do you remember <br>my frog heart?

do you remember
my frog heart?

( 8:48:00 PM ) elle's
hello,howcanyoubesosureofwhere
iamgoing,howcanyoubesocon
vincedthatiwillbetheon
etocrash?

you remind me so nicely .

( 5:22:00 PM ) elle's
it takes, three minutes for me to get the computer on and myself logged in, longer than the time it takes for everything i wanted to say to flow through my mind.

i am just frivolous, because you are a good-looker. though it's not love, it means something

rj stank, and im 80% sold on hc, hello i have been utterly brainwashed or i am a bona fide Nanyang Girl.

somebody stole my shoes! angry-slash-sad, that someone is going to get away with it.

ella what do you want to do your entire life? to me, graduation means you cant get into trouble anymore, and a lot of other people getting sentimental. i think grad night might change things, because we're booked solid to have a good time.

at the rate at which im not-studying for o's, i might just end up in vj after all. somebody please say things to make me want to study, sit me down with a cane or a gun to my head, it is only when i worry when i do well. complacency settles in, i dont want to get kicked out of hc, if and when i eventually decide to go into it.

sometimes i feel, sad and noble, at the idea that my skills are unmarketable.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:15:00 PM ) elle's
im shifting, but not yet, should i make you ask me for my new url?

hello im graduating, why arent you happy for me? you're like a lost spirit that hasnt been beckoned into the afterworld, you linger with me when i want it or dont, i cant find a will to banish your memory to where it belongs.

do you know that feeling, when you feel yourself slipping into a bad dream, and you force yourself to wake up? i was telling shufen about my induced sensations today, sometimes i wonder if there are things that are only particular to me, or at least, only particular to the kind of people who might go looking for them.

i know you've never stopped believing that other people thought i was the best thing since sliced bread. i would like to say i can transcend cliques and environment, but i suppose saying something like that is never completely true.

sometimes i dont know if im right or wrong to have been thinking that you could have been honest to me. you know i wouldnt given a shit about you if id known from the start that you were going to. whatever.

but i dont like you when you're trying to impress.

have been listening to white stripes, today's score is: vj 3, rj 0.

you remind me so nicely .

( 7:08:00 PM ) elle's
im aching for my shoes to come in. i refuse to wash my schoolies just for five seconds onstage during grad ceremony, or for the three more days of school that i have.

saw ol people at the vj open house, i should probably be getting used to this. maro looks like exactly the same person, just a million times less saccharine. lynnette looks exactly the same and like somebody the me of now would actually talk to. ten seconds talking to jocelyn reminds me of primary school floorball, an afternoon of playing with coins on her cold tile floor.

and im wondering what itd be like to suddenly find myself in their world again. would it be okay to say, i want to stop digging up the person i used to be, i just want simple relationships and honest people?

i wish i werent scared to death of lizards and frogs, because i think they're awful pretty.

have discovered a very good reason to go to esplanade to study, all except for productivity. of course ive been psychoed by vj, my choice of a jc might just come down to a incidental coin-toss.

i have discovered that you like to sound fun, even if you're not having it. sometimes i feel for you at the same time im thinking how boy im glad i am not you.

people who's advice i would like:
-ms choo and humanities teachers
-anyone who knows anything about vj tsd
-people in rj who are intelligent, contrary to common belief this is not a given
-anti-schoolers in both schools
-someone who knows something about university prospects afther tsd
-my sister

alot of the time when i say things, you give me this certain look, i have to assure you that im perfectly serious.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:50:00 AM ) elle's
xinhui offered to help me start typing my uwc essay today, i am still pleasantly disbelieving that someone can be so nice. after looking at the uwc website i realize how completely textbook the issues that i care about have come out sounding, even though i have done my absolute to be obvious and honest about it.

and meiying wants to be a director too, hurhur my junior stole my dream vocation. it's strange because even though i have been largely anti-politics for the greater part of my life, i have been coming to a realization that it is a field that im half-likely to end up in.

and i know better than to talk to you when you're all set on thinking like you rule the world.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:56:00 PM ) elle's
stupid cannot study, stupid went shopping but stupid chased all over orchard for the skycaptain poster with success! and had interesting conversation with sweet faced guy over the phone and over counter about said movie poster, hurhur. joliefan!

i forsee myself screwing up my olevels, i feel both sheepish and indignant because i have every right to worry my ass off.

you remind me so nicely .

( 10:35:00 PM ) elle's
things i owe people after the o's
-hoonie's shanghai photos
-evita soundtrack to alina
-gradnight photos to everybody

i think everybody knows what it is like to feel you are not good or good enough at anything. i miss my silverchair muchlymuchly, i like his face pursed and questioning on the cd jacket in the store, but inversely it looks like their earlier work was disappointment.

i am reaching a musical starvation, my mp3 list promises pure frustration.

you remind me so nicely .

( 5:39:00 PM ) elle's
system shut-down on me around two-o-clock, graduation is pending but hasnt bowled me over as yet.

you know i never talk about how i feel.

i need to get out of the house to get my studying done, i need to do my work laced with caffeine and far away from a place to lay my head. ella please stop falling asleep. ran into cuishan at the club, and she said something that struck me as a million times more intelligent than i remember her.

im sorry because im so self-convinced and at the same time so self-deprecating, i wish i could just ball up that part of me up and throw it out the window.

i want to be able to talk to someone. sometimes i think some things are only apparent to me, and then some, not at all. i think i sleep to get away from thinking, living.

i should probably try to be less mean, a lot of the time i say things just for the sake of saying them, a lot of the time i dont know how much the things i say are going to tell people. and then five months down the road they come back to haunt me again, obviously i am my own undoing.

would you kill me, at that moment if and when i say to you, i dont care about a humanities scholarship, i dont care about the illustrous rafflesians, i dont care about sudden convenience. i just want to study theatre. would you kill me, for taking one more step towards being a full-fledged idealist, would you kill me, for not being sorry, for being completely irrational, for reeling in everything taken-for-granted? it's not that i dont think about bread and butter issues, there's an internal battle going on within me all the time.

but i do care about the humanities scholarship.

i ran for half an hour and then gave up, how nice it might be for grad night to be the most pressing issue on my mind. i exchanged numbers with two different people in two different scenarios in the span on 24 hours, is this conspiracy theory, because this is something i hardly do, all those niceties, let's exchange numbers then i'll tell you about it. i am willing to bet money that you arent going to call me back.

sometimes i wonder if i am really crazy, or if i just think im crazy, or it i just think that people think im crazy. please dont fluff me, because im feeling alright.

i need to find less excuses to stop my work. sometimes i think sticking a needle up my arm might make you a little less complicated.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:04:00 PM ) elle's
i dont keep a guestbook, or a tagboard, because. i dont want people to fluff me, if you were the sort to have something useful to say you would dare to say it to my face.

buy me off the net, take me to a rock concert. how fundamentally appropriate we are, linking arms and smiling at the camera, like that.

hello. i used to think about you a lot more than i would care to admit, did you ever think of that? probably not, judging by all that silliness in your eyes.

does anybody have the kings of convenience cd, want a paperback of skycaptain and the world of tomorrow? two more shows i really want to watch, this day has been wholly and slowly unproductive.

hello fury, he says 18 is freaking old. should i be more bothered, about being two years shy of freaking old?

would i be appaling if i were to say, it should be harder (than you make it out to be) to make a decision about something you understand nothing about, not completely right to make a judgement, being unable to imagine how it feels like to not be able to think straight?

not on all days would you want to be, just another wafer prom-queen. im sorry. are we going to stop talking now, too?

i keep thinking about my daddy's self-obsession, my daddy's isolating existence. my daddy, the almanac telling my daddy that i was going to be a loner. i wonder if you were always like that, did my marmie marry that part of you too?

and. though i look it less, and feel it less anymore, i guess im still a loner. solitude is my whole life, because i cant remember the last time i had a good conversation.

i want the skycaptain poster, up on my wall. tienyew sent me a song called i need some sleep, and it goes: you just gotta let it go, you just gotta let it go.

something sweet for my very sweet tooth, a new cd might make me happier. want to dive into your ocean.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:19:00 PM ) elle's
did i say i was sorry? because that's what i meant, after it all. im sorry, solely for how i have been, everything else comes loaded and bearing skeletons.

that's all.

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:14:00 PM ) elle's
of neurosis
i dont know why i go into lapses of being so very much out of whack, i wish i could make it all go away.

i am at once, both sorry for being so utterly neurotic, (both sorry and unsorry, because how i do help it, really, if you knew what it felt like?) and then again sorry for having you (or not you) affect me, in some moments i let myself think, why couldnt i have just let you be the petty one?

i know you dont deserve this and i dont want to be the one to come around and suffocate you.

and. i have to say sorry to every single person who has ever been nice to me, because i have been so. utterly twisted. it has nothing to do with your intention, or how rejected you are, by me. you misunderstand, i am perfectly crazy, it doesnt excuse me or the ungratefulness

hello three weeks, floating overhead, cynthia counted them down for me and i have officially begun my panicking. to study physics, to Not Care? to watch motorcycle diaries with CHRISTL! on saturday? to go vj, to go rj? he gives me a sour look, he says he would kill to have my problems, i would like to say to you, maybe just that one, but you're a stranger and you dont deserve (in both ways) my life-story.

and six points sounds too perfect, im apologetic because i know i dont deserve it either.

i know what depression feels like, and it is. not the same as Doubting Your Own
Sanity. i, know the schools of thought for this, i know how grossly this is Catchaphrase Misused, but i am breathing you in the most lucid way possible. i dont want to think about my mind, or form my own opinions, because i feel so acutely the weight of every other viewpoint in the world, i am nothing if not confused. can i say, my mind is reeling, every other second i spend is feeling something conflicting? love-hate-need-independence-cherish-abhor-disgust-stifled. every thing you throw at me i could twist into something morbid, or pessimistic, or beautiful, or unreal, depending on my mood. you misunderstand, i am perfectly lucid and it is that exactly which. scares me to death.

thank you, tienyew, because i never thought you would be so nice as to call me, and that's why i keep harping going thank-you-thank-you-thank-you about it. sometimes i just need someone to treat me like i am sane, and the whole world just clicks back into place.

i go curl up with my textbook now.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:59:00 PM ) elle's
if i had ever thought i would miss my solitude, this is not how i thought it would have been.

im sick of you. something pervasive, something that makes me feel at once stifled and degraded and self-conscious. this kind of sentiment i can do without.

if i were here to, make you feel better about yourself. find a girl who can take it, give me. something else.

i dream of myself leaping off a building like catwoman, into yet another oblivious night. i want... a freedom nothing can give, a security that will. never run away. you have nothing to do with this, i have spent days with you feeling. obscure, irreverant, irrelevant.

im sorry because im so frequently upset and the people who care about me cant help me. ma said to me today, you dont hear voices, do you, you must tell me if you do.

i want to meet you. because, because i didnt know they diagnosed you Schizo. i want to meet you because you have been violent, you have been abandoned. nothing is right about this picture.

i want to scream in a way my voice will not carry, i want to scratch off this skin and run run away from it, im so tired of this relentless cycle, this once again why-dont-you shiver yourself dry.

i am tired of people, and being transparent just so that i can be used. i dont care for privacy, remember? i would be a loner on this continent or the next, feel free to root through my darkest secrets if this price is right.

i dont need help i dont need. i need. a good night's of rest, uninterrupted hours alone. i wont take your, on-off-company, your second-fiddle sincerity. how can i complain, how can i complain when im the one who reaches for it?

i am so sorry for being ever so neurotic.

you remind me so nicely .

( 7:56:00 PM ) elle's
i read through the entire page again, all these people coming together to weep. i do have favourite songs, maybe those you might not call Music.

i thought about you again. i think about you so much because you struck me as half of a lucid libertine, because i cant make up my mind about whether you're tenfold intelligent as you look, or absolutely not at all.

i need to start studying again, i promised myself i would study Hard instead of how it was during the prelims, never mind that my class knowing nothing of me at all is convinced otherwise. i dont want to give up Sleep and TV, there are too many charming films on tv these days.

i liked il postino, and malena, and i want to learn italian because it is just so quaintly silly.

and i dont care for privacy, only security.

what it feels like to break apart, what it feels like when all of a sudden you realize that there's an immensely larger world up ahead of you. inspiration or what i know of it, what i am feeling when i think about diving into shallow waters or daydreaming about walking on the ceiling of the bus-ride home. why i go crazy when i see the rain on bad days, why i was so happy over The Huge Green Capsicum at ntuc. honestly, it's all catharsis, honestly it's all something bordering on frantic. all this time i have been reeling in my own surf, all this time she has scoffed and called it, intellectual masturbation. if i am amplified, if i am textbook artificial. certainly not your call.

i dont want to make sense, again. if i gave you a clue in the form of a word, in a burst i know you would understand.

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:56:00 PM ) elle's
in no particular order:

i dont care if it hurts

even cold november rain

take the painkiller

im nothing

if it makes you happy-

wasting

a handshake of carbon monoxide

my empire or dirt

blue skies from pain

i dont care if it hurts

i dont know.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:10:00 AM ) elle's
hello, im a typecast female, would it surprise you to know that this kind of news surprises me? i started thinking about it when michael made a face at the kind of movies i watch, asking for Good Stuff from a few years back, all that i cough up is complicated-female-identity-etc shit told in terms of slyly whispered voices and deadbeat downplayed irony. trading of barbs helps, as does slick camera angles and leads with interesting faces.

im not putting down my own taste, i'll leave that up to you. im just saying, surely there's a Complex for this. michelle would be able to tell me, but it would probably be something perverted.

sometimes i think, i am such a fucking girl. that's not a good or bad thing, but it's... shocking in terms of being a revelation.

and im not the most hostile person that i know, but i come very close. what i like about us is our ability to say, we were stupid once upon a time, in some way or another.

more and more i think, the only humanity you see comes docile and cookie cutter, in the form of tear-jerker emails and inspirational one-liners from the inside of hallmark cards. it half makes me sad, half makes me sick, this state of sentimental disrepair.

im done saying things now, i go from this to fast asleep.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:42:00 AM ) elle's
hoonie said something about the me in her dream, writing her toilet wall with a suicide note and burning a building down. on the run for it too, sounds like some serious fun. i said it sounds like people's general impression of me, fuck starving crazy.

and i should have watched malena instead of titanic, because the fifty-fifty i caught in snatches of it looked far more interesting than over-hyped hollywood gig.

im a selfish girl and im ashamed but i know it. if your making me miserable by forcing me to share is going to turn me into a better person, should i or should i not complain?

im a gun and im loaded, but i wont kill you because ive always been just so petrified. i said it out loud that day, in chinese, how i want to study arts, how i want to do theatre, how i want to write for the rest of my life. im all geared and ready until they say things just like that, things like: you're hurting everyone around you. if this is the price of the love i've been getting, maybe id rather you take it away.

i want to watch a good play too, some time soon. prelims are over but studying starts again soon, what do people do when they're bored?

if there were more foreign films on the tube, this would not be my problem.

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:03:00 PM ) elle's
choo said i did well for english, and that my second lit essay was good. i dont know what to expect, because i cant tell whether good is good enough for a one, and also because i wonder if choo's just trying to make me feel better after i went to pieces that day. and... the idea that i did well for the second paper just makes it worse, because i keep thinking about how i bombed the first, and how erratic my writing is, and how afraid i am of choosing this path as something to do my entire life. all at once im petrified and exhilirated at the idea of doing this, it's like, the idea of moving the australia, the idea of studying theatre, the idea of bursting out of this small and silly coccoon into a immensely bigger world.

and i guess the only one who understood what i was talking about that day when i broke down over lit was lois. and i still feel bad thinking about it, because people were just trying to be nice.

but i'm not saying: fluff me. more than misplaced sympathy i need to know, what the hell is wrong with me.

i dont want to do this with you. just because im cutting or im insulting, i dont want to do this with you. i know too much of the time it's taken as just something casual or something play, but you take it in a way that i just cant bring myself back on. maybe... maybe this isnt something that you will feel anything at all about, but it's different for me, and i dont ever want to become one of those people who cant bring themselves to say that they're sorry. i have better use for sabretooths and razorblades, so i'll save them for enemies, not for my friends.

because of my need, my desire to be completely honest, i find myself always a certain distance from you.

i have a tape recorder that i scream into, because nothing does it justice in black and white. im sick of talking about you, and breaking into pieces, and losing my control. im not a girl who likes to tell my problems, it only maybe-happens when someone comes to pry.

and. sometimes i have to remind myself that it's not that i dislike you or anything, it's just as simple as an inabiity to see eye to eye.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:54:00 PM ) elle's
and i like your voice, the way you sing about being so cold. the way it croons and it comes so close to hurting and it's different, really you're one of the few i can listen to without caring about the song.

it's no fun being the only one who doesnt care about physics. hurhur.

i think. it's not fair that you open me up so shamelessly, and refuse to let me to pry into your life. why should this be a one-sided affair? just because im willing, or just because i dont care?

because in ten years time, you'll just be even more of a stranger, in all honestly i wont care about you. whether you're a darling or a demon, you have made no impact on my life.

i want to know more interesting people. im not saying anything about you, if you can just take me simply for a while. jo was interesting and i cant remember the last time i talked to her. i guess ostensibly enough interesting is something that has often been translated into Screwed Up, in my world. less and less though.

but i think kevin is interesting. is that why you talk to me, huh, because i might make you feel like you're interesting? you dont have to answer that, hurhur.

and studying for history made me think about how similar all the past world dictators were, and studying for them was just reading the same story over and over and over again. except that the police forces were called different things, or at least, in different languages.

i get pissed whenever i think about terrorists, or see some other inane event on tv. that day i prayed about the people who have gotten themselves screwed up in this world and how i cant bring myself to believe that they're all necessarily evil, but this whole issue brings me into conflict with myself. i just wish... they could be wiped off the earth just like that, but i guess that's the kind of thinking that brings me a little closer to being one of them. it's just frustrating that a bunch of people so ultimately messed up could wield so much destructive power.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:09:00 AM ) elle's
and what got me out of bed: no doubt and radiohead consecutive on class 95. when does that ever happen?

nobody is ever a junkie with me. do you know how frustrating that can be?

im good with conclusions, or they're bad with me. i would say i am a person who likes to have interesting things happen, to me and around me, they keep it less than mundane.

(and one more thing: i could secretly like that you will never understand me.)

if i act insane, it is only because i am irritated, if i act irritated, it's only because i invested. but things could have been worse, or it could have been a bigger deal.

and theatrics sometimes feel like hypocriscy to me, but for a good cause i can make myself believe.

all my teamates are sixteen!

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:07:00 AM ) elle's
i scaled my hill like a person drugged or half awake, but the week is over that i never want to look in the face again. the two single things i have missed in the last few: sleep and Good Movies, in no particular order, after which prelims feel another world apart.

the idea of being in a band appeals to me, but not if we're not playing the same kind of music.

and playing by heart corny cliche of a good movie, slight from beautiful but close to home. will watch anything with angelina jolie, i am smitten in the first five minutes, going something like talking about music/love is like dancing about architecture.

im thinking of the outrageous stories i could spin for you, to make this conversation more interesting. if you could show me someone else who would, let me know.

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:19:00 PM ) elle's
and all of a sudden. so racy to my ears, so undeprecating. so fast and so throttled, so suddenly void of anger. i cant find this, i cant say, take it away. if you have been good for me, it has not been news to myself until now.

i need the time to break away.

you remind me so nicely .

( 6:38:00 PM ) elle's
no starved weekends, i have been ballooning myself from the outside. china club and happy birthday marmie, i wore a skirt with fong and clawed at myself inside all fifty floors up and down.

optimistic! run at six, or Sleep Til Ten, i am still your Communication Girl. i feel so stupid asking questions that i feel i ought long know the answers to, but please? if it's because im dense, i never asked to be so.

weekend deflation, because the world conspires to keep me out of school. makeover and trocks was at least a little pure hilarity and a very cute blond (wigged?) lead. excitable! because it has been too long, one more shoe sale, one more good japanese arthouse flick. does anybody want to do anything with me this weekend, because i sure wont feel like studying.

and i know a band that doesnt take themselves seriously.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:41:00 PM ) elle's
hello. i desperately want to think better of you, but it's not going to happen by my gluing my eyes shut. nothing merits your self-conviction.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:57:00 AM ) elle's
i realize how i might be a hypocritical friend, but you are beyond a point of self-interest.

i guess it must have taken something special for you to admit it, but just the same. can't over-look.

kevin said something that brought ian up in my esteem. wasting time online i found one of the retarded videos he sent me, with him jumping up and down on my screen. hurhur.

tienyew's going europe backpacking! shall practice being jealous now because i probably wont be able to get away for an entire month, and i guess it'd be funny for me to go when i dont know his friend, more or less at all.

i want to go somewhere with a beach! somewhere with endless partying and lots to do. and i want to go somewhere else with a lot of art museums, plays to watch and live music around every corner. then another part of me wants to go somewhere where i can be an endless consumer, somewhere where i can leave my brain in my suitcase.

hello. but for now, i need a good place to study, somewhere where i dont have to fight for my seat, somewhere where i wont have a bed. somewhere where concentration flows, somewhere pretty and at peace. i've realized, my problem lately has been the caffeine addiction and how i took myself off it for a while. would you rather me fail my prelims, ma, or be one of those people who needs a daily fix to function?

i wonder some days if i ought still be thinking about you, because it's only been a few weeks, but then that's long to you, isnt it?

you remind me so nicely .

( 4:54:00 PM ) elle's
and exams are stupid i think, because i always think, because i cant concentrate ever and i sleep half my day away. i remember what you used to say about me sleeping all the time, i remember what you tried to prescribe.

but prove it, prove it to me. because of course i dont believe you're off for real, the way you never believed about me.

i will i think, bomb-or-nor-bomb. two ways to go, ma tried to put me off theatre again, trying but not trying, i know what she wants to sell is something that rhymes with follow your dreams.

but da collasped onto his bed that day, six months away from retirement. i've been working since i was seventeen, i am old blood. talk to me about business, tell me how to be a professional bum. i know you want me to not have to starve, to not have to scrimp, like my sister does, like i know it must have been like for you, at some point in time. it's a realist's world, where do i belong.

why cant we just fall in?

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:22:00 AM ) elle's
Were you floored by all the praise that "Lost in Translation" got?

Yeah. Writing an original screenplay made me wonder if I was being completely indulgent. You think, Does anybody care about these things that I'm writing about? You've been thinking about this one little area of life. You never know who it will connect with.

-Sofia Coppola, taken from Newsweek, February 9, 2004

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:50:00 PM ) elle's
just listen to the rhythm of a gentle bosa nova
you'll be dancing with em long before the night is over
happy again

the lights are much brighter there
you can forget all your trouble
forget all your care, and go

downtown; where all the lights are bright
downtown; waiting for you, tonight
downtown
you're gonna be alright, now

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:27:00 PM ) elle's
i. scared, to sleep, of myself. because my dreams grow increasingly disturbed.

searched the net, cant find a single interpretation of murder that is positive, or neutral, or doesnt scare me. forced myself to put it to words, pen and paper becomes less out-of-control, but im scared and i cant back it off, because...because they say dreams represent a part of you and i believe that, because i feel too familiar with what happens in my dreams, like they are experiences of my own mind, because it feels like i am trapped and will go on being trapped and not even knowing it, because i do believe dreams are a message from your subconscious, because also because i let it get to me like this, again and again, i'll induce something else and something continuous, i need to stop brooding and maybe it will go away.

i need to learn to lucid dream again.

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:57:00 AM ) elle's
(i dont want you to use me to be happy)

this monkey can't stand to see you black and blue

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:29:00 PM ) elle's
here comes the cold

i think. maybe wish it upon myself. instead, C16H13ClN2O. if you know it well enough you can always give me a call.

~~in the middle of that night a hysterical voice started choking in my mind, in my dream i saw myself dangling off the end of a rope tied to the ceiling fan.~~

and i dont ever wanna feel, like i did that day

someone sings it to me: leave all this misery behind

i really get the feeling that you hate my guts. but i still like arguing with you because you're an obstacle and you're a challenge, so much more than most the others.

and if i made you feel uncomfortable that day, i am sorry.

you remind me so nicely .

( 2:43:00 AM ) elle's
platform

machine, the kind you might find at a factory. gears and bolts and metal parts, a slow crumble from the inside.

hello. i think i thought i was getting better, and i think that is why i snapped when she told me, you see too deeply into things, do you think in a very complicate manner? i can't remember the last person who has said that to me, but i can remember a lot of people who have, at some point in time.

some days. i think i am chained to perpetual brokenness, rickety at best, some days i think i am another kingshaw, dont know how the heck to crack out of it. crack out of it please.

and i feel destined for dysfunctionality, and i dont want to be like this i really dont dont dont, when you break down once in a long long time everything just comes rushing back to you, you go back to square one and beyond, it's like you cant pick yourself up anymore, because every other effort has fallen flat and failed.

i need to talk to someone who might understand, but there is, less than nobody.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:01:00 AM ) elle's
and i think what bothers you about me is that you know what it feels like to be exactly where i stand.

im not that stupid, you know. i know i act like it, but i guess, maybe just like you. im not.

i only want to bother you because you remind me so much of me.

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:05:00 PM ) elle's
i feel like im slow-bombing, almost inevitable, like the long drop down after stepping off a cliff.

haven't talked to you for days, months, years. how are you?

and all the relationships in my dreams are dysfunctional.

you go girl. if i hadnt gotten out before, i would have wanted you to be the one to be there, welcoming me home. long-drawn waves and frantic smiles of helplessness, the threads of your facade worn a little too thin.

and if i would be predictable, i wouldnt be this.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:34:00 AM ) elle's
dreamt dreams, stay up late. sometimes i wonder, what is it you say about me? it scares me because you see the more than one side of me, it scares me because you could be the one to force me to be honest, break up my facade.

WHEN IS TRAMPOLINE OLYMPICS?

i dont want to have to explain myself. i hate how there is just so much excess baggage, it makes it hard for me start a anew. im awful shit with first impressions, whatever it is they told you.

and i dont really think i am misunderstood, because everything anyone has ever said about me has been at least in one way true. i dont want to have to explain myself, how can i make excuses for something i abhor, how can i explain something i dont myself understand? all i know is that i am the most ephemeral person i know, the most convincingly tempermental.

and i guess that was when i stopped caring what people thought of me.

i told ma about laoshi and kuan's comparing us to normal tech kids, and she said something about it's because in a way we're two groups of Misfits, being out of the mainstream, so we react with distraction to a system calibrated for the masses. that's who we are, we're the misfits.

i want to learn my adiv tao, i want to jump i want to jump i have missed the trampoline so much. oh gosh. but it want to, and i want to do so many other things, things like swim and write and draw and bake. im going to teach fong trampoline!

and i just want those five split-seconds of being unreal. that, that and my teamates, my juniors, things tell me that nothing is ever going to be the same again. except. except maybe the trampoline. the way david talks about rugby, sudden animation, that's what i feel, that's how i relate. and. and if i were a guy id love to try, i dont know. so much sensation i want to collect, so many people i would like to be.

and you can sway me, as long as you aren't trying.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:40:00 PM ) elle's
i have listened to this song at least-

and the next time i do i shall-

i have never hated dance so-

hello another c-for-

unprepared so i-

burning-choreo-stupid-taping-

this time tomorrow it shall be-

twenty seconds short of an easy deal-

anybody want a free offspring-

you remind me so nicely .

     ( 11:44:00 PM ) elle's
people that piss me off
-who toy with me
-who are calculated to impress
-who want to toy with me
-who are self-convinced
-who are insecure to the point of being arrogant
-who want to box me
-who want to toy with me
-who dont believe in to each his own
-who are afraid of themselves
-who are insecure are try to make up for it by being overbearing, pompous
-who cant get away from what someone else is going to think of them
-who try too hard
-who suck up to me
-who want to toy with me
-who do cruel humour a bit too well
-who cant keep their mouths shut
-who are two-faced
-who want to use you
-who refuse to apologize
-who get offended at everything
-who cant laugh at themselves
-who try to show off
-who try to be people they are not
-who assume what they're going to want to see
-who impose their tastes onto people
-who can look you in the eye and admit to their fault, but dont have the guts or the strength or the fucking audacity to do something about it

after all, i can name you, you are only Three People.

you remind me so nicely .

     ( 1:28:00 AM ) elle's
because you take me seriously. because i have to make believe that i am in control of myself. because around people i find myself over and over morphing myself, concealer and blush, making myself more understandable. it is not that i am ashamed of the person i am, it is not that i am not completely in love with myself. it is. an attempt to be understandable, because im a softie that way, it bothers me that people are going to have to struggle to relate to me. i know you're going to want to cage me.

but the people who can see me without my having to go braindead, or one sided, or untinted. fall in love with you.

there you go again.

but as long as you're happy enough with the niche that i represent in your life. what's it to me, what i am to you?

you remind me so nicely .

     ( 12:38:00 AM ) elle's
hello, i wont be your toy.

i want to be the one who engineers the music. is there a proper word for this? while i tried to think of something to write for my english essay i thought about musical abstraction and how it intrigues me.

sounds that i like
-sitting in the middle of the quadrangle at 3 in the afternoon, when the entire world has woken up and is laughing gaily, far, far away.
-moving water in the dark, or at sunset-time.
-underwater empty swimming pool, with leaves and debris suspended in the water.
-9 am canteen on a sleepy school holiday morning, when the wind is going through the windchimes or flapping at the banner. close to fast-asleep.
-in class at 7 in the evening, when there is something spellbinding about the silence, it is something you have to stop, and listen to.
-musical instruments that dont sound like musical instruments
-sun, field.
-synthesized background music to my favourite songs in the world

and what i like about sound, or smell, is their inability to be proplerly named or properly described, in such their unrestrainability, their unwillingness to be caged or categorized.

i thought of doing a flip off the edge of the esplanade railings, onto the rocky surf, and michelle said stop being so self-destructive. i wouldnt call it self-destructive, because it has come to a point where i am my own mind. it feels like the whole world is scheming and we are in the dark, we being the humans, we being, well. you too, really.

i dont know what to write for my english essay, because i am afraid of not being understood and it being reflected in my marks. i am thinking, what if i chose the cheesiest and most cookie-cutter storyline in the world, i am wondering whether i can turn it into something by virtue of my words. because... i really screwed up my midyear essay and i still got an overall one. but it feels like shit to screw up a paper that's important to you, or to flop with something you've been allowed to take pride in.

but. i dont think i could be like gail, who claims she's never screwed up an essay before. because, there's just something so predictable and safe and unromantic.

im a very romanticised person, because tempermental, because everything works on how i feel, because i believe in inspiration.

i want you to know that it takes something else to get to me, and that the people who actively try, rarely do. i cant bring myself to be understanding towards you, because i know you and i know how you take what you can get, and the more you let it go the more you remind me of the million and one reasons why relationships are Stupid Things to Happen, to me at least. i dont have the energy to be honest with someone who only hears what he wants to.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:42:00 PM ) elle's

How to make a eleanor

Ingredients:

1 part anger

1 part courage

5 parts empathy

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Top it off with a sprinkle of sadness and enjoy!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

i think you are disarmingly accurate, because you are completely random and completely unflattering. and i like you for that.

christl yong can you teach me to flip?

you remind me so nicely .

( 10:48:00 PM ) elle's
things i have to haha-unrealistic accomplish by the end of this long weekend:
-finish chem til sulphuric acid
-finish up twelf night notes
-have one maths lesson
-finish two chapters of social studies
-finish chinese 4b

i cant help it. everytime i look at you i think of him. him and his sounds systems, his endless cables and circuits, dials and switches and plugs galore. and. once i start thinking about him, i guess it's a whole new chapter altogether.

and. my josh harnett-lookalike, you irish prince. everything about the place has left me enchanted.

things i want to do after the o's
-take a long bike ride
-go back to the gym to see my juniors
-sew a beanbag
-sew a skirt
-shop insane
-watch hundreds of vcds
-take up pilates again
-watch plays
-hunt for live music
-dance
-go to the esplanade
-eat indulgently expensive food
-bake
-watch movies
-go sentosa
-deal with my computer
-spend an afternoon at That Cd Shop
-read
-learn sign-language
-swim more

hey girl. you've been bugging me, just because you've been on my mind. but you really should have known, it doesnt matter to me what they're gonna think: im weird, im insane, im hypothetical. but get living already, because... i dont see why you let them hold you back.

i really like my music collection. because because i'll listen to everything, because because all the bad stuff has been done away with. of course im in love with it, it's mine. but i still think that taste in music is the single most easy and accurate way to tell something about a person.

most days i like to be blatantly honest, but today isnt one of those days.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:09:00 PM ) elle's
i found the wristband, the dino one, of how very long ago. bury with a polaroid, the one of me with amanda and rachel, in our identical shirts.

i want to tell you that im sorry, ever sorry, incredibly sorry, and then not sorry at all. im sorry for how i deceived and how i took you a sport, sorry for making a mess of something that could have become something true. but. dearie i cant ever say that i am sorry for having been the person that i was then, i cant ever look you in the eye and tell you i am sorry for being screwed up. i dont think the length of my insanity is something that i could have made deliberate, and down that road is a sorry that is not for me to say. i am not saying, i am not saying i am not to blame, because i am to blame, because i let myself unravel and i spurred it on, i was young(er) and stupid(er) and in search of frequent stereotypes. and i am sorry for dragging you down with me, i am sorry for weaving you into my messed up experiences.

and also because i need to learn self-control. and also because, some days i think about it, i am not sorry for necessary evils.

and. i have felt not irritated with you, not near so much as disappointed, because that day when you said hi, bitch to us, i know it was just another of your School Things greetings, and no im not offended with the wordchoice because i know it's just one of those things, but. what disturbed me most about that day was how you had completely become one of those girls, how something in you has keeled over and how i am disappointed, because i had always thought you better and i had always wanted to think you better, because i guess you seemed a little more authentic than that, a little more intelligent than that, i guess i was hoping that you might emerge from this bimbo culture completely unscathed. but what can i say, really, your face has changed and mind has changed, and. i am just too far gone, when before the least i could do was struggle to relate.

i dont want to judge you. but i have done it already, and the least i can do is not pretend. but i think of that day and how you treat me, dearie some times i think you are not worth my time. and perhaps to me you have become a series of egg-shell faces, rehearsed laughters and a facade that has been beaten into place.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:08:00 AM ) elle's
i
ive been full of shit lately. everything feels unhealthy because eat sleep vice and then some. i feel the need to soak myself in fickle liquids and let all the evil seep out through my pores.

im not saying anything.

i like the trophy they gave for the napha awards thing, even though its dinky and plastic and fairly lame. i like the pretty pose and the cherubin wings.

i think everything is showing, and the million things i want to do: sew a beanbag, shop insane, watch a hundred vcds. i want the o's to be over, before they come, so that i can live again, breathe again. i feel the need to read because the language faculty of my brain has completely shut down on me, i dont care if you agree with this or not.

im not looking for answers. all i want is a little saving grace, daily beauty, stumbling upon things.

i feel unhealthy. i want to run, and swim, and jump on the trampoline. and do an hour of meditation, because it has been so yawning long. i dont know what it is, an accumulation of things. value pack ice-cream, daily sedentary, eat-sleep cycle i cant break out of. long drags without water.

i want to say it. but i cant. because of people, just people who will look at me strange, or look at me harsh, or look at me with kindness in their eyes. save me, please, you can only fuck off and i can only say it straight to your face, i am really trying to be nice about it. i cant take that, i dont care what you know about me. because if you treat me like a normal person, i will ultimately feel okay.

and. i feel bruised, and i feel panicked. various reasons. how did we end up saying things about kuo today. because it wasnt just not a lie, because i really meant it. dont you know you've got your daddy's eyes, daddy was an alcoholic. and daddy couldnt understand, because i guess da it has never occured to you that i listen to that kind of music, because maybe you're something like my brother, something like your son, because he thinks that the most depressing music is the kind that is forthrightly so.

i dont think so. another slice of my pie. because, because i listen to placebo loud and long, i really listen to it, and the chords and choruses flow through my body like i am not. i am not.

i am wind or a hollow sound. dialtone.

i wish you hadnt told me that. i start to wonder whether it's something i have known all these years, or whether or not it's something that i could actually want. you know me well enough to know that i will turn you away, dont you? dont you? because if you dont know me by now, you probably never will, maybe it is just an unwillingless to swallow what you see. tell me. please? because i cant do anything more than just friends, because i... honestly think that relationships like this just screw people up.

and. sometimes i think we're just too alike to ever work out. you represent to me a time of my life that has been so far gone, a part of my life that was self-screwed and torrid, something base and something street and something bland. my great ennui. maybe i dont give you enough credit, mabye you're really much more intelligent than i think of you. i think you are, because you must be, because some times you say things that make me want to cry. but you should know, you'll never be good enough for me, not because i am in myself something great or something that self-impressed, but because i am just such a fucking big idealist that i probably wont make very much sense in the real world.

i. i want to offer myself. up to something, up to nobody, because nobody can be good enough for the image that lives in my mind. but there is something that calls for a purity i cannot possess, just because. some days i feel ashamed of what i see in myself, ashamed too because i imagine that everyone else can see it. but im wrong, and you're wrong, or you're blind, or you're completely apathetic. any way it goes, i dont suppose anything matters anymore.

and right now. i really believe it. but i know it's another second-by-second thing,

i imagine. if i keep going, i will find myself. because really that's all there is to it. and. how much if means to me, alot, alot, alot. colloquial. this is how i see myself: you dont understand me.

and i really want a typewriter. everytime i spew, it is like i am ripping my work out of the catch, starting new, starting clean.

i want to feel pure, even if it is pure delusion. how much i care about how i feel, need i say anything at all?

i want to listen to my cds again, i want silverchair and white stripes and pink floyd and bjork. the stuff that i pay for, the stuff that i believe in. everything else i rip off, everything else i can be a brat. a lot of the time i think i have no integrity, despite how much it means to me. because i feel it sharp and dense and suffocating, every time i wrong myself.

i dreamt of ripping your head off that day. i stalked over and grabbed it with both hands, and when it came free from your shoulders it was still that laughing face of yours. i really hate your face, these days. your apathy and your amusement and your touchiness and your self-gratification and your insensitivity.

i want to sleep and wake up in a different body. because this one feels wasted, wasted in a way i cannot describe. like every particle infected, the inside of me is one large multi-limbed sore. i imagine my skin turned inside out, scrubbed with dettol. i dont know what i've done to myself, but i dont think i evisioned it feeling this.. toxic. i cant help but think of britney when i say that. but it is not, there is nothing further from what i mean.

i. nobody but i, because the best i am is self-obsessed. you are better, or you are worse. you are caught up with everything else, and i cant make myself care. all my emotion is spent and wasted.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:54:00 PM ) elle's
rough and tumble

hello. this is my standstill. this is my point-blank sudden death, this is my fall away from a crooning and familiar self, this is my altogether cluelessness, the machinery of the past few weeks. hello i dont recognize anything about myself anymore, hello i have really forgotten how to write.

my immaculate friend. these days i pick up a pen to write and the moment it starts feeling contrived i have put it down, walked away, done something else. and. i think you might have worked too well, work to the point where my thinking voice is the same as my talking voice, i cannot believe where i am standing right now and how i have come to be finally here. it is like, alien, and comfortable, and new and exciting and altogether mundane.

altogether mundane. because i get bored of things that are cute in an instant, i have to chalk myself with something broken or something less than secure. hey im on a roll here dont let me go. last week i swam not in the ocean but i felt free and focused and absolutely normal. can i say one thing, just one thing? because i have never felt as normal as i do now, the most alarming thing is how it has sprung itself upon me, stealthy stealthy, and drugged my unaware. i like it, and how much i like it is freak insane, because i have always been more or less okay with some part of me sticking out of the frame.

because laughing is therapy, books are a therapy, head banging senseless music is therapy. and therapy that has become a lifestyle, before this no it was not that i had some sort of problem i would have wanted to you to solve. but i was at least a little queer, a least a little askew. and in my own way i liked that because it was the only me i ever knew, it was the only style and the only beauty i knew, or the only one i would celebrate, anyway. you know me, i really think you do.

i think i have somehow or other hurled myself out of my own comfort zone. i cant believe where i am, now, and how long i've been here, and how much the normalcy feels mundane, and casual, and all-around okay as far as the pendulum emotions usually go.

i told ma about my cutting that day, because she told me about how her secretary hurt herself. i guess it felt like id wanted her to know that her secretary would be okay, but the rest of the night she kept saying i cant believe you used to cut yourself.

and she is simple, too. boy, food, artificial sugar and warmth. dont let me be the rain on your parade.

now i go freaking bounce, freaking lame, freaking machine. will force this out, try me, try me.

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:31:00 AM ) elle's

and i dreamt of the apocalypse too, that night. the biggest fish in the ocean, my mirror, sylvia plath. stained-glass contortions, the scariest thing i have had in years.

you're a pretty boy, but you'd be a prettier girl.

i watched the mothman prophecies, oggling at the camera angles. but freaked, so much of me freaked that ma had to sit on the toilet bowl and un-paint her nails while i showered.

so, i guess i've decided that im never going to watch another scary movie as long as i live.

sometimes. i just dont understand your high-strung ambitions, your holed-over intentions. explain yourself, girl; this language you speak, separate from mine.

you remind me so nicely .

( 10:51:00 PM ) elle's
i've gotten paid, bought myself bailey's again. i think. bringing comics around when you study is a good and muchly risky thing, like triggerhappy therapy.

and... i guess i've been used to some brand of unhealthy. but lately it feels like i've been unravelled, stood in the sun, burnt to crisp. im wondering when i will get bored of predictability, when i will shroud myself again with destructiveness. some times i tell myself. i need to get away from you because it's... just so bad for me in ways.

and installed speakers, big whoop. cheap thrills come free and easy when your standards are low.

you remind me so nicely .

( 10:56:00 PM ) elle's
i can't jump on the tram anymore. the waves of pain and waves of shock up and down my spine, i cant believe you can train for four years straight and lose it all in a week flat.

im sorry for being such a control freak. but you know i just do it again, because it's something... really i dont know how to help it. there is no space in between the extremes, it's just that: i'd rather screw thigns up myself. because i can blame myself with perfect clarity, but blaming someone else is another thing altogether. you dont deserve to suffer my paranoia.

you know what they say. hash it up.

i tried to write properly about ma in my personal statement, but it didnt come out right. i wanted to write about a mother who would willingly take a step back and let every single one of her children screw up, learn the hard way, or maybe it wasnt that she was letting us, but that we insisted anyway. what do you think of it ma? when you say your children are headstrong and stubborn, when both your daughter are sky-high idealists. da gave in to me that day, ma, he said, i dont think i have a choice about it. and the moment he said it, ma, i changed my mind, a complete 360, a crumpling disrevelation. but im glad i went over to fourteen and did that career test thing with liz, because... i guess looking at her answers i have a clearer idea of who she is, and who i am.

and talking to jing, that day. because i never thought him the sort.

i dont want to think of things anymore. just... talk to me normally, speak to me of bright cheery things. im gone completely jaded, at least for a while.

so i gave my cd collection the once over and i realise i dont have any music to use for dance. dude you cant dance to bjork, you can't dance to placebo. and i cant imagine having a music taste so very pop-centred, not myself at least. but then my olds include britney and christina and freaking mandy moore, so that must have been me, too, at some point in my life.

i listened to my cheerleading song, and last one standing, man it's such a retarded ditty i can't believe i actually did it twice in my lifetime. twice is twice too many for bad music.

i want to ask. when did i change? when did i become alternative, when did i become queer?

i want pe to be fun for my classmates because i think that's the only bit's that important, and i really believe that, i love watching people like alina and melissa and jean dance because it's just so uncharacteristic. it's inspiriting to watch people try, even more than it is to watch people succeed.

sometimes i think im the corniest of all.

i remember what i used to do once upon a time, and how you used to think you had it all about me. sometimes i find it hard to believe that im such a perpetual actress, i find it hard to accept my elitist notions and all the other things about myself that i have let blow out of proportion. i have dreamed them into existence, into magnification, and now that it is hindsight i remember how badly i am perpetually wanting to trash myself away. i guess, because some people know exactly what it feels like, and some people cant imagine it.

i feel myself fading. when i saw fader that day, decked up in cj uniform, leang wen, that's the first thing that came to mind, fader. and oh how it is to fade and blend in shades of grey, how what did it mean to give yourself that name, at that time? were you different, were you real? were you as haunted as the perpetual someone i would be looking for?

and i cant believe how awake i have been today, considering the five o'clock lightsout.

hi. if you can talk to me normally, i promise i will try. because bad starts just do things in for me, once you trigger my hypersensitivity im blind from start to end. so end it, once and clean, and start again. because im a lot of the things i pretend not to be, and i can be... blatantly honsest, or... something else altogether. i dont come with biohazard stickers.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:23:00 AM ) elle's
feels better to have put it to words.

so i sat myself down and tried to think of the different ways in which ive become a Bad Person, and i've come to a non-conclusion about myself, which is i suppose in too many ways good and unexpected. because i need to break away from ultimatums, need to break away from absolutes, need to stop seeing things in terms of black and white and the great expanse of solid grey, concrete thick and set in stone. ive decided to take all my thinking and throw it out of the window, ive decided to stop caring about what it is the part that i am playing here, and just get on with my life. yes i have a life. i need to remind myself that if i dont want to be here, i dont have to.

so what grace said today about my hair making me look naughty and sassy chick and all that jazz has not stuck more than what she said about it being just too old for me. i told her about how eileen said i looked like such a mommy's girl and she frowned and said... maybe it's because i know you and since then today it's been going over debates in my mind. because... i dont think of myself as a bad girl, because well maybe because of people i know subsequently the people who are so much worse than me, things that have formed in my mind since long ago i was always one of the better ones, and that's always been enough for me. i dont know because i dont know what context you are coming from and because it could so definately be different from mine, i am in a Good Girl's school, it was in a church where she said it, the culture of everything crosses and recrosses and in the end im left with one big and tangled mess. ive come to think, yes im cheeky and mischeivous and intolerable lots of the time, no i dont have the sweet lil heart o' gold thing going for me and never have probably never will, yes im somewhat more liberal especially when im standing next to you, but no im not void of morals or ideals or conscience or understanding, yes i have a brain in my head but no, you're right, it leads me nowhere. some days i wonder about my morals and what they mean to me and it scares me some times too because they just seem so threadbare. im perhaps too tolerant of some things and too hard pressed against others, i dont know where to stop, start, try, fade, keep my mouth shut. im manipulative and self-obsessed a lot of the time, insensitive and sensitive and even hyper-sensitive, i think of the people who have told me that i seem to be able to read their mind and i know it is not something i would be able to do if i didnt try. gee i never thought of myself as evil, even though going for catclass has until today and maybe from next week onwards been one big demoralising ordeal, up until recently apathy has become a part of me that was neutral, not good, not bad, clear-eyed and unemotive as the the date, the temperature, the measurements of a building. and up until maybe right now the little green-clothed gremlin at the back of my mind that has been logically working out how erroneous the larger part of my philosophy has been, he's always been one too far away to have any relevance, he's always been the despicable voice of reasons, all things extreme and impassionate and by my current yardstick despicable. the thing is even when i have been saying those things, i have known somewhere in the back of my mind that one day these things will be so completely ridiculous, i will conform and i will submit, or i will become another casualty of idealism and the seduction of art. try me, though i hate to admit it and i hate to imagine it, a lot of the time i'm a lot more logical than i give myself credit for.

and as for something being too old, i realise now that that has been the place where my tastes have been, like they have been picked too soon and put into action, like something about it shows in my skin. when she said my hair was too old for me i thought about how it wasnt my idea, but kevin's, i have never told him what to do, exactly, with my hair, i have just been his blank canvas and he has rubbed his hands with glee and went on me like a kid in a candy store. i am more than happy to do that for him, he's a good guy and he's in so given me a lot of fun to be had, but again i remember how he never can remember how old i am, that im stil in school, that no you cant dye my hair because my teachers will kill me. and what grace said today is different from what more people have said, and it also gets to me because she is the one saying it, she is older and by any standards intelligent and probing, and she has always been some one time and again telling me that im inappropriate. you're right, i'm downright inappropriate because the two cultures clash, i would not say i am a typical kind of person but indeed im a shifty kid, indeed im full of things that i ought have nothing to do with. and the thought that i am indeed growing up to a libertine's culture is scary, because i wonder who i can blame and it is me, and it is my parents too, but yet not their fault, they have been liberal but they have been trying to reach out to me and right up til ever so recent i have just been pushing them away. im afraid now that my personality has become something predefined and unshakable, because really and you wouldnt disagree, even in my calmest of minds i would still diagnose that i am a despicable character.

and okay. im not done brooding, because this is not brooding it is more musing than anything else, and i love to do that. id like to believe a lot of things but as of now they're still up pending, im just more than willing to cut them free and let them drift like upward snowflakes, just like everything else, they dont mean a single thing. so while im back to earth i have a literature essay to write and sleep to sustain for the next few hours, tomorrow im thinking of simple and refreshingly mundane things like tests and homework, tv at ten o clock.

need to carve out a few hours to reformat my computer. need to change my url and to stop blogging for a while, need to catch up on my loads of overdue homework. need to start studying true, need to learn to survive on less sleep. and da bought me speakers about three times the size of my current ones, i think he spoils me this way because he just really wants them in the house.

all the same, down to it.

you remind me so nicely .

( 8:33:00 PM ) elle's
im finding this all pointless.

these days. feels like im a culmination of everything disgusting you can think of. all those despicable people you've ever known, i've been on their side and ive been in their shoes. and. there's nothing more true to myself, nothing more unabashed.

i pissed jeannette off today. fucking judgemental. and saying sorry felt too familiar, because im always offending her for one reason or another. and then sometimes i think, it's not like she's ever going to apologize to me. and that's not the point i know. but well.. you know. too much of the time you dont have a say in what you're about to feel.

and i dont want to be so tempermental any more. im the one who makes myself twisted, i dont want to be so cutting and evil and out of place. im on another roll, on another low today, because of how i am disapproved, how i am... really disgusting. i dont know how to change and how to be a better person, feels like a sentence that has scarcely begun, feels like there will be no end to a long and brief beginning.

somedays. i want to flush myself down the toilet. i want to stop feeling, so i can be disposed of. some days i let myself screw up and it crashes down upon my head again, it's just not alien, it's me, it's a well-covered territory. you know. some days when you feel like shit and you act like shit and everything that happens to you in the day makes you feel like... running off a cliff at the edge of the world. and you're still in charge, the worst feeling is when you have no one to blame but yourself. dont you hate that? dont you just hate that?

do you even know what it feels like. how should i know, it's not as if this sensation is exclusive.

i dont want to think so much but these days are just made for that. it's made for... ever-sinking into deeper blue funk, it helps if you have a history of stupidity, a dark room and an arsenal or depressing music. a brooding complex well covered.

i do this to myself. i know.

put me to a melody. you know what i mean.
im unclean a libertine, and everytime you vent your spleen i
seem to lose
the power of speech you're
slipping slowly from my reach you
grow me like
an evergreen
you've never seen the lonely me at all

you know how i hate it. you know how i do it, and how efficiently i spin myself. like a top, like a web, like endlessly and self-obsessed yarn. and then i let it freak me, and then i spill it over the surface, please look at me, please deride. when i am un-helpable, when i am solitary and when i am at the end of the day, fully accountable and chained to myself.

this skin sucks. and sentiment gone thin so im going to leave it at that. there's work i've needed to do, that i slept away my insecurity for. too bad.

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:43:00 AM ) elle's
nuts.

dont wanna say anything because there's no way to un-cornify things. no way to say it right too, and i think an hour of mass-hugging-crying goodbyes is enough.

tired. the gymnasium was so utterly serene after it all. i like it when the air is still, just like that. aftermath.

it's never going to feel that way again i know, all of a sudden i feel a million years older than i was a few days ago. i thought of the picture of us in the gym, the one with us hysterical on the trampoline, is two whole years a long time or short.

i guess it's another close, it's official now that we've graduated.

so i might as well say it now, while the feeling is still there.

goodbye zhang and wang, because even though i've never said it i really do appreciate you guys a lot. especially this last year, when it's starting to feel like you're treating us like people, no? just me, or something else.

goodbye artistic gymnastics, because i guess i feel like i've been divorced from the whole thing. even if i continue to take trampoline in jc, when i come to watch and support people compete for sanxiang i know i'm just going to feel so out of place, so completely separate. sometimes im watching things through my senior's eyes, with me in those shoes it could turn pretty depressing. oh hell maybe i wont even be thinking that much then, or shouldnt be now, but still. i can't believe this my last year as a nanyang gymnast.

goodbye Trampoline, the trampoline itself, becaue hell i've had a blast with you and at least for a while, you're going to have to take a backseat in my life. i decided i wanted to take tram in jc the day i did my houkong on the trampoline itself, because it was something i'd been fearing and putting off for the longest time, and that moment of catharsis was incredible. so far on the tram, the hou kong has been the only thing that has ever frozen me with fear, and the minute i did it for the first time, i re-realised that there was nothing in the world to fear, and it was like... realizing you could touch the sky, realizing you could climb a mountain. so that's why though now i cant imagine myself doing all the adiv stuff, it's not something i'll be afraid of anymore, it's not something i'l let myself get scared of again. i hope, or maybe, or something. but i'll miss the sport itself, im going to miss the feeling of flying, the feeling of being high above everyone and everything, the feeling of being powerful and alone and in-control.

goodbye cca itself, because i guess from now on things are just going to be one long mug-camp for me. i'm trying, i'm getting there, but i guess this has been the official breakpoint where i'm supposed to be dead-dropping everything else and focusing on my o's. well i guess right up til my competition last week i just kept thinking i'l just let it slide a little more. i've... run out of excuses and run out of things that might be more important.

goodbye endless and unrelenting junes, goodbye tanglin cc and all things sji. those were the ones that brought us together, more than anything else, those were what it felt like to be a ny tramper.

and... i guess most importantly, goodbye nanyang trampers, you guys have made this trip something worth living for, i'm going to be missing that most of all. goobye juniors, goodbye meiying please train some fucking hard and do yourself proud, you're worth it and you've got it in you, dont ever stop trying girl! goodbye jiayee, whose name im still unsure of, jiayou too k? because you're got a knack when it comes to tram, dont you let the tram defeat you, dont you let yourself defeat you yes? because undeniable the training process is going to be nuts, but the sense of pride and strength you get when you dont buckle and come out tops is going to be amazing. goodbye lingying i guess i dont have to tell you to train hard because it's just your nature, there's something about you that really wants to do well. and how it shows, heck look at you now? because when you first came in i thought you'd never be able to jump jump, and you've come so far solely on blood and sweat and all that effort, it's something i know a lot of people wouldnt be able to do. when you're on the tram remember to leave everything else at the side, dont let anything cloud your head when you're in the air yes? goodbye peirong who knows if you'll still be doing tram next year, but train hard and be good and all the best yeah? goodbye jeanne and yining, hurhur you guys just feel so young to me because you're just so playful and bouncy and all that thing, do train hard yes? PLEASE listen to your seniors, PLEASE do build each other up, PLEASE do give your training 200% of what you've got. goodbye renyi please learn to be fierce, please dont let the juniors walk all over you like i know they will try to, after a while. please remember to think of the team first before anything else, please train hard too and with the help of the juniors, keep the medal on our side, yes? it's going to be shit to deal with all of them on your own so i'm praying for your strength and your patience, also praying you'll be clear-minded enough to bear the purpose of your training constantly in mind. and... i hope too that all of you will do well next year, will learn to be stronger people, will stick together and be there for each other, will let all the political bullshit be one-sided and not Our-sided, and most importantly come to love your team and your school and your cca!

and... goodbye darling team-mates, even though i will be seeing you guys tomorrow and monday and probably every single week of rest of the year and hopefully beyond, but i love you guys like nuts! because you're all wonderful people and for that much i have been thankful beyond words for the chance to train with you guys as a team-mate, you guys have been the greatest fun to be with, the stupidest and the silliest and the most lovable people i have known. goodbye zixi even though you're just two classes away, please dont beat yourself up over every little thing, but do keep your severity, your sweetness, your strength and your vulnerability yes? thank you for just being there and thank you for your unabashedness, thank you for your hand-holding and your hugs and your laughs and your tears. goodbye xinyi and thank you most of all for your sentimentality, thank you for bringing me down to my own small size sometimes, because i guess someone's got to start crying first before i realize how sad im going to feel, thank you for all the fun and the laughter and the good-times bad-times, thank you for your energy and your putting up with me and for your honesty and tactful misery on the million and one things we dont agree on. least-of-all-goodbye christl because i literal see you every single day, heh but thank you for making me laugh! because just about everything about you is so darn amusing, thank you for so often laughing at yourself and for being so down-to-earth, thank you for your level-headedness and your un-corniness most of the time when people are just crying their eyes out, thank you for taking charge of things the way you do. and goodbye weeleng i know you'll do well in the future because you seem to have your mind set on things already, thank you for being there even though a lot of the time you misunderstand me, thank you for unrelenting some times i guess in all honesty i have to say sorry too. sorry for sometimes your being excluded, sorry for all too often not knowing what to say, and how to say it, and how to make you understand. but thank you any way because you're still my teamate, you're still a ny tramper and you've become something else that i'll look back on.

and i realize goodbye is the wrong word to use, because it's not something final or absolute or changing in any way, it's perfunctory what it means to graduate, im only saying all of this now because about five months down the road when things really start to happen, the feeling i have right now might become forced, or diluted, or artificial. so... thank you for being part of ny trampoline! thank you for being each of your individual selves because it has been a lesson and a rollercoaster ride and a bowl of cherries all at the same time. and well... i guess all that sentiment about cca has been something that has stealthily crept up on me, and that i will miss you guys because it takes some time and effort for me to get to a point where i am that comfortable with people, because i've had the time of my life and i'l admit it, im going to miss everything about gym.

argh. k so now im gonna go to sleep and when i wake up i know things will be in a different and a lot less corny light. there's next week, tuesday, when i shall go and jump on the tram again hurhurhur. cant wait, indefinately, not going for anticlimatic.

it's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right
i hope you've had the time of your life

you remind me so nicely .

( 10:18:00 PM ) elle's
homework is lots. miserable me.

cong, i changed my mind right after i said it. why should my one affect the other, when sentiment like that is completely unrelated? i haven't watched enough of your teenage melodramas, i have none of your regard for things like these.

and we tricked liz into thinking she'd left her shoes on the bus. hurhurhur, can't keep a straight face.

i want pictures from trampoline competition two years ago. now all i have is a picture in my mind, or those you might count, the ones hung up in the gym. us doing the fun-dance, many details ago.

and i never realized the lyrics to les miserables were so good.

i should have stayed at fong's house, methinks. unproductive, as long as the computer is going to be here in front of me.

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:49:00 AM ) elle's
i dont know how to say it, make myself explain. being this close to you as a person, but not as a person. will you even return, with a glare?
because. i forget you so well, until the time comes again: i want to remember what it feels like. not growing cold.
sometimes it is that, i want to feel the way i did when he is around. when i wonder: if i had returned your letter? these worlds that separate us, tear them down. i am a different person, and i am white with your fear. trembling when i think of things: there is no escape. this is what i am pledging: endless lifetimes with you?
you should know, that changes the bill altogether.

fit me with a different piece. cool and fresh and altogether: nowhere near as exciting.

i wish i remembered writing this, scrawling it, test-pad, classic post-mortem script. like a poem i can't understand, i know it must have made sense to the person who wrote it, the me that i was then. but the right now is context? references?

wish i could screw loose, somehow comprehend. it feels better on paper, my tuesday morning scrawl, the one that tells me i'm thinking again, i'm feeling again. useless aborigine.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:30:00 PM ) elle's
first day of competition almost entirely missed. considering skipping the whole of friday, i want to watch my ouuxiang compete. we had hysterics over them complicated paper cranes, hurhurhur,

i want to see my seniors, i miss them insane. there's no sensation like this one, when you're standing in the shoes of someone who seemed to know the entire rigmarole: clueless, helpless, lost as as two-year-old.

i keep replaying that moment over and over in my head. felt like we were almost close to something friendly, something less scathing and sadistic and hypocritical. as much as i i like it i know it wont last.

stumbled upon something disturbing today, something i swallow for fear of disarming you. it's not my business to say it out loud.

cheese. violate me, right up there with old-time foolery, right down there with the coarse kind of cluelessness. it's only because: people like you get boring after a while. conservative, conforming. endlessly self-conscious.

da bought gerberas today, vases crammed orange-pink-solitary-yellow full at sixty-cent a piece. the perfect shade of pink, and i felt happy-sad seeing them because i thought of how fast they were going to die and how i would feel about that. when i tell myself hell they're just a bunch of crummy flowers, i remember how i cried when the last batch of them had to be trashed.

im not an optimistic nor a pessimistic person, but the glass if half full, believe me? thing are never so clear cut as we'd like to believe them to be.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:05:00 PM ) elle's
weicong

despite it all. you help keep me convinced that relationships are bad news; bad mistakes all just waiting to happen.

you remind me so nicely .

( 3:56:00 PM ) elle's
i woke up at two-thirty and hung all my flowers upside down to dry. i read all the letters one by one and then i put them into my box and shut the lid on it. my leotard is still crumpled on the bathroom floor, the trophy on my bed where i collapsed last night.

maybe the sleep makes it all seem so distant. all the random paraphanelia, now im pointless, im thinking about my juniors, the ones who have something left.

i want to take trampoline in jc.

im taking ma's laptop to go see her in the hospital. id have forgotten her surgery but im making up for it now. working crumpets.

listless, estranged.

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:16:00 AM ) elle's
so shag.

im tired. because i was a bitch today, i still hate them, but i know it's not their fault. the same way it's not the fault of the blind and not the fault of the stupid.

what made me laugh, was his ribbing. how is it possible, to make everything sound so retarded? takes guts, takes skill.

i realize what a difference school culture makes.

and i miss my teamates already, and my juniors and my seniors and my coaches because when i came back home i felt so alone, inconsequential.

i still hate politics.

when i think about it straight. i wonder if we deserved to win this year, i wondered if they did. i realize no matter what it is we're going to think that we deserved it, but really it's all a matter of different criteria. it's so maddening how we can't get along.

and i hate her too, because of what she seems to think. of herself. but fuck, that's her life and her tragedy, her funeral.

eileen said not to say fuck any more.

i miss kim and eileen and all the seniors. it's like they fell into our lives for another brief fling of a time, and now it's over.

i cant believe it's over.

i cant believe we won. it doesnt feel like we trashed them, a 0.05 loss, a 0.05 win.

but im so proud of my juniors, right now, because they didnt cry, and hell that must have been hard, hell that's more than i could have said for myself, for the whole bunch of us, last year. i cant help how fast things are going, i cant believe how short a time it took me to get to sec four.

oh hell, i cant be bothered to think any more. shag to death, i want to go to sleep and tomorrow wake up and not be thinking about them anymore.

more than anything, the politics bother me. my involvement with them, the fact that i haven't forgotten how to be a bitch. it's useful sometimes, but fuck. that's their fucking territory and im dont even mean it in a derogatory way. i dont want to reduce myself to a lowest common denominator.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:31:00 PM ) elle's
wreckless as we are. once in a while im proud of it.

i realized why im good at this. it's because, of practice with mind games, trying to get under your skin. how i deal with things and people that i dont like, is mere pretending that they're not there.

mud. nowhere as composed as we think you are.

self induced sugar high, lots of feel-good runs. the rhythm's an old beginning, and keep it in for superstition's sake.

but i'm dying to hit the tram, right then, right now. let me at it.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:14:00 PM ) elle's
i want to own a typewriter. there's something very pretentious about sitting at a computer. ostentation, put together.

im sorry, in a manner perfunctory. i dont believe i should be sorry, overtly understanding.

i would call my state of mind for right now over-confidence. im fighting for it, clawing for it, because of the dilution it will undergo under adrenalin and under pressure. the relative apathy helps, the yawning eternity beyond my friday. i believe in tricking yourself into a state of mind, if it's going to help you. please let this last 48 more hours.

mantra-calm. clarity is a detachment from your emotions, clarity is the vividness of memory, of thought of mind of strength.

and you, silly little comfort zone. your word is mud.

you remind me so nicely .

( 12:23:00 AM ) elle's
Tomorrow! Give me strawberries! Give me liberty of give me death! Dude my testimonial doesn’t sound like a model student at all, because I am so obviously skewed, because I am so obviously queer. There is No Way I can make myself sound better without twisting the truth beyond breakpoint, there is No Way I can shortchange myself, change what I want to see of myself. Some times when I hit the end of the sentence, I read it back again and I cant tell that I am talking about me.

Self awareness issues, the excess baggage. Dude, who am I?

And one more thing. you like controversy, then. Michelle said that day. go for it, why not. One fucking lifetime chance.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:33:00 PM ) elle's
im working it up. i need to be pompous for the next one hour, so i can write my testimonial.

i found a picture of weicong's mother. a recording of his voice, singing a corny chinese song. a recording of tienyew's, singing a so-called Original Composition, hurhurhur.

we have a banner and a-lots of paint left. we have... pictures of tram routine, 6 more taos before we look our competitors in the eye. i want to win, but at the same time, it's not for me. or am i just saying it, who knows. i want to win because i know my teamates want to win, because i know the coaches want us to win. i want my juniors to win.

i dont know if i want to win, if its important enough to me. i just dont want to disappoint myself, and that could mean so many things. zhang said something today about how i dont ever cry, how we've got to be the strongest. i thought about last year and what it felt like, the lamb's to slaugher, the but-it's-not-a-gold syndrome.

if i cry this year. the one thing i want: to be able to see things straight through my tears. his words are ringing in my head again, the silver tragedy of yesteryear. emotions and adrenalin and sacrifice aside. what's the end of the world, exactly?

feeling ever so pushy, well meaning prick. i hate me. da how i hate you in me, and how i cannot leave you behind because your culture is in my blood. me and my bossy boots, and how i cant stop my self from contol-freak-ing, all over everybody else. next time the alarm bells have to be louder, more jarring, and capable of keeping my mouth shut. i pray that i might have the self-control, to mould myself into a person i want to be.

i cant wait to sleep tonight. i've been waiting since yesterday, when i stared up at my ceiling and thought, i never want to get out of here.

you remind me so nicely .

( 1:48:00 PM ) elle's
dont know if i should.

what would you do. if you were given a sort of chance, a once-in-a-lifetime chance to do something-well not big, but not small. not some thing life-changing, but something that contributes to a bigger thing, a bigger thing that you believe in. oh heck am i making any sense.

i wish he'd asked me last year. he says my mom would kill him, i think she would. or she would not, she can talk about doing what you believe in.

and i wish i didnt have o's. not this year. but not any year, how the hell do you know when chance might come. but this is a dead-end conversation. so nevermind.

i get along with him and recently i've started to believe in what he's going for. because some artists go commercial after a while, start forgetting what they're in it for. churn out frivolous crowd-pleasers any idiot can do that. he talks to my mother about shares. he talks to me about avant garde, restricted artistic. i told him that if i were him i would go for it, because it sounds like heckfun and interesting. we laugh, this is not something you can do in singapore.

i know. it's hard not to sell out. especially when you're in a business that spells for making people happy. people, espcially singaporean people. not exactly the most daring bunch, he says. he's a jolt to me, at least every once in a while, when i start to forget. fuck the public opinion. the emperor's new clothes: only a certain kind of people can see them.

lament. i know how easy it is to conform. there are many paths of least resistance.

and on the way home. i kept thinking, i wish i were stupid. if i didnt have my academics to count on, i would be forced to go in all other directions. i would have chosen to study art, theatre, literature.

and. i dont think i can do it. ability wise. i dont have that kind of straightforward gifts, i believe in aesthetics but i dont think i can do it, embody it, like that. i dont know whether he can do it, when he talks about winning, competitions sound like something you could live for. i dont even know, if he knows what he's talking about. i told him i was game, but not like a promise, but he said he'd have to do the background research first. fuck scary, i dont want to let him down.

sigh. i dont even know how serious you are about this. heck you might have girls queued round the block to help you. so nevermind, im not going to bust any blood vessels worrying about this. but if it came as a surprise, i dont want to not know what to think.

you remind me so nicely .

( 11:37:00 PM ) elle's
chocolate truffles, the best kind. hidden from my brother, the endless vacuum of a bottomles pit.

so. after changing email three times, i've decided: i'm too tempermental. and let's keep it as that, because at the end. i dont care that much any way.

i think eventually i want to write my own testimonial. i keep thinking about this because it's something that is going to affect the Everything I Do after i grad, after i've left my class and after the blowing-your-own-horn thing gets old and forgotten. while i was supposed to last now things like self-delusion kept running through my mind. fact to fact is: the single most thing about me is my conviction, my need to believe in things and feel about them before i can do them. the kind of thing that makes me selectively caring, selectively obedient, selectively sincere. i dont want to ever have to say sorry to myself.

i dont want to. intentionally or intentionally, sell out.

and i dont believe in blowing your own horn. i dont believe in selling yourself, i dont believe in advertising. i dont believe in things corporate, i dont believe in the religion of money, i dont have the regard and the respect for it. maybe im too young and too idealistic to say. but at the same time i dont want to come to that day when i've lost that about myself.

i have a lot of pride, but it's the sort that is mostly silent. the obsessiveness over little things: dreaming up my room, changing my email time after time. and how i cant imagine being different. different conversation.

so any way. i've just felt that writing my own testimonial would be one big giant leap into selling myself, selling myself out. i had a long arguement with bailey and he said write a list of traits you personally believe you have, and then go to sleep. next morning wake up and write based on that information, as if you were writing about another person. he can contribute, he says, i tell him i dont know myself at all. but i know a lot more than any one else would.

im angry at the prospect. being made to do this. i think of gail and how she can so single-mindedly do this, part of me says its practical and wants to learn from that, but another and bigger part of me screams out that's bloody disgusting. it's not. i know. it's just the notion, my idealism. lahdeedahblahblah says bailey. im confused, i can be single-minded about things that i feel i could lose myself in, but this does not qualify.

meanstotheend. manipulation,that'syourterritoryaintit? i dont want to be that kind of person any more. flippingnaive. longrant:youthinktheyfrickcare. lahdeedahblablablah. it'sstupidsystembutit'snecessary. likethegovernement. theworldismadeforstupidpeople, thelowestcommondenominator. ~~im stupid people too~~ differentconversation.imtryingtomakeyoufeelbetterbitchstoprunningmeover. youhavetoadmitshitlikethisisnecessary. likemovieratings. tokeepthetenyearoldkidsfromstartingpopcornworldwarthreeinthemiddleof thebestfilminthehistoryofbestfilms. orthekconventgirls.that'swhyyouputupwithshitbecauseit'sabiggerpictureyou'regettingat. fuck bay i still dont believe. imnotaskingyoutoBELIEVEgirl. imsayingskimitandgetitoverwithyouregoodatthat. youregoodattohellingwhatothersaregoingtosaytooright. what kills me. what i am going to say. to myself. through the process, no after. after it it feels like sucking off for one lousy dollar. or ten, or twenty, or a thousand. it's the big-and-shiny digits that get me here in the first place.

i feel everything. falling off.

and despite how he pissed me off. i liked bailey's parting words, which if nothing make me feel better: stopfuckthinkingtoomuch. everygirlinyourclassmightbeskinningthemselvesoverthistoo. imnotaskingyoutoloseyouridealismoryourbelief. i'mjustsaying: youwanttomakeitokaywithyourself? it'sjustTheInstitutionofTheWorld. letThemhavetheirflippingtestimonial.

you remind me so nicely .

( 9:04:00 PM ) elle's
im not an over-the-phone type, nor an msn-type or an sms type. or even your video conference type. there are only two forms of communication im good at: writing and face to face. everything else feels... at least a little make believe, at least a little misinterpretable.

killer pt today. im trying to get myself sorted and its not the best experience. choo says for us to write each other's testimonials: i have no real achievements. save the medals, two years back. im crossing my fingers for next friday, but that's not it at all.

im not letting my parents come to watch me compete. part of it is my sense of independence, part of it is: da i really dont want you there. i want to break free. everything about you makes me out to be a disappointment.

i dug up old letters, pamphlets from clubmed. i've dispensed the invites from my old gmail account, now i've got one that im actually willing to use.

what i want to do. wallpaper my room with double sided tape, corkboards. a million pins and all the time in the world. everything about me is montage.

i love how you dont control me. the way you control her, even though she is just another One Of You. i'm easy to push and prod, but you dont get it, and i know you dont. some times i think, are you the masterful hands behind the puppetry, or are you the puppets themselves. i think it's a precious gift, to be able to laugh at yourself.

im not mean. i just have a knack for insulting people. touchy. i hope i'll learn, or you'll learn, or that some where along the line you'll forgive me any way. im not asking you to be a Me, though some times i know it may seem that way. yeah im good at that too.

im two hours over due, and computers are always a mistake.

you remind me so nicely .

small talk on the radio it seems;
    i am going nowhere,
      today

small talk on the radio choose;
  between a curtain or a star
     and im silent to the dark

(coz when i needed someone to     talk to
you were the only one around)

    small cost it pays, to be alone.

_______________

(this sensation junkie is:
wind and bohemia and climbing high and going fast and cheaply thrilled and junk art and, anything but brief, as they say )

obvious, of alien girl

_________________

(i have made myself ea$ier to plea$e)
-a powerful moutain bike :(
-a nice clock
-a nice chess set, and a nice someone to play on it with.
-the jigsaw puzzle of van gogh's starry starry night
-silver
-a pint of bailey's irish
-a psychology dream dictionary
-lots of beautiful posters
-The Complete Works Of Shakespeare
-calvin and hobbbes comics
~~-a tape recorder.~~
-a true chocolate eclair
-peanuts comics
-digicam
-THE perlini's brinjal pendant

am media-wanting
-alanis morrissette's jagged little pill
-placebo, radiohead, silverchair
-great expectations, the score
-music by Cake
~~-the white stripes~~
-soundtrack to lost in translation
-soundtrack to the truman show
-watch les miserables, the musical
-best of Sting
-smashing pumpkins
-malena soundtrack

flick ~~-watch girl, interrupted~~
-watch boys dont cry
-watch angelina jolie movies
-evita (the musical film)
-watch pulp fiction and requiem for a dream
-watch la boheme, and other works from baz luhrmann
-watch festen and italian for beginners, dogma films.
-italian/spanish films

am immaterial-wanting
-to be able to do a nice houkongCHUAI on the tram
-to learn a language from every part of the world, starting with german
-learn to play keyboards, and a string
-study art, and design.
-take music seriously
-learn ride a motorbike, someday. :)
-learn sign language
-to learn all about the stars, and culture-mythology
-to take a million pictures of my childhood
-learn a million kinds of dance
-to read about many countries individual histories
-study filmatography/cinematography
-less perverted people to talk to
-a regular dose of live music
-to study in europe someday

am wishing on a star -
-shirley manson/alanis morisette/cheryl crow's voice
-forever young
-a little good advice
-a pure mind again.

am off-
-lollipops and all other artificial sweetening
-bgr
-depression, instability
-sloth
-f'cking vain
-unHealth">healthy me

news/resolutions
-be a good girl, and study hard hard hard
-church+yf(?)
-less of a slob
-a little less violence
-save money = less spendthrift
-more responsible :-treat my things better
-more respectful
-a girdle on my tongue
-more time studying, less time computer-ing
-run+cycle+be Health">healthy
-the My Own existences
-sleep earlier
-clean the room, keep the room.
-self-discipline, which it all runs down to, at the end of the day
-read intellectual books, not just literature
-qT?
-be nicer to people: less demanding, more polite
-silence, the sort of which is a lesser known art.
-please don't be late/last minute.
-dont borrow money
-no obnoxious

_________ (mundanely enough--)

am score-wanting
-angel . sarah maclachlan
-heaven knows . rick price
-pachabel thingey
-promise me . beverly craven
-estella's theme . great expectations
-you must love me . madonna
-trouble . coldplay
-el tango de roxanne . (moulin rouge)

am to read
-les miserables . victor hugo
-picture of dorian gray . oscar wilde
-the crucible . arthur miller
-girl interrupted
~~-the orchid thief . susan orlean~~
-joy luck club
-dante's the inferno
-the iliad and the odyssey . homer
-the english patient
-the life of pi . yann martel
-nicholas nickleby . charles dickens
-1984 . george orwell
-city of joy . dominique lapierre
-the god of small things . arundhati roy
-no go the bogeyman
-the english patient
~~-the handmaid's tale . margaret atwood~~