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do you remember my frog heart? |
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Wednesday, December 31, 2003 ( 2:09:00 AM ) elle's and thank you so much, zixi, for being able to tell. out of nowhere, you sound sad actually, gerard got me crying all over again. i dont want to go back to school this broken, i want to be somewhere tomorrow where i can watch the stars. i miss... alot of people. people who i used to be able to talk to, or people who used to be accidentally beautiful. i'll never see myself in that light, i want to let go of everything. i want to keep my dreams in a bowl, to sprinkle over the ground before i walk. i dont know how to deal with myself. joyce cried in training today, and i told her it was a shitty feeling being out of the com team. nobody broke me like that when i was in sec one, even though i remember the brat that i was, and still am. it's like, talking silly shit with dino-the-dj, and how fun it felt and was, versus talking to yupi-the-doctor about your dreams and your life (the names, i suppose, must be deliberate), how clear in the head i felt after that night. do you think we'll all grow out of this? i think of people like the polaroid girl, people like my lucky honey, even people like khin, and we're all the very same. i can't live, in that technicolour world, can you? sometimes i want to talk to gail, and be such an academic (gail, i want to sit next to you again next year). hello joyce, will you promise to remember me after we're both over about being broken? (it is the one pure tone, the one rich vibrant colour that i will live for, give it all up for while you don't have to understand.) you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, December 30, 2003 ( 1:09:00 AM ) elle's back from club med in bintan, the place was beautiful, yes? the people, well my cousin wants to work for club med now, it's almost like obs, just tourist-ey convenient and moneyed and overall commercial. as for rich man's land, how i hate being surrounded by the rich, being mistaken as one of them, looking at them and realizing painfully that i could almost be looking at myself. there was a josh harnett lookalike, who smelled unplacable, and looked me in the eye. have i ever seen some one so beautiful? played squash and bummed, jumped on a lousy trampoline (breaking rules), watched national geographic til late at night, talked to the saronged dude in charge of archery. wowed at the beach, the could-have-been blood stains on the rocks, the amazing waves that i might never see again. while my siblings were being recognized as killers on the pool table and the dance floor, i drank a single shot b52 and turned red, laughed in my head, looked him in the eye maybe something i never would have dared if i were fully sober. an asshole from the maldives tried to pick me up, but while he was sad and a retard, he was good for one drink (baileys! :) ). (mike, have you ever heard the theory that only poseurs use that word? oh how i wanted to laugh, have you never seen my million faces before?) i sit at the window, cross legged, on the ferry back. the sun sets so gloriously, but just behind a dark cloud, and the sky is full of it, the waves are full of it; while people sleep glaze-eyed behind me (i can look into their eyes, the reflection in the window) i'm back in the bar breathing in his giddy scent, i'm by the pool late at night drunk-2am, i'm watching the waves come crash towards me from atop the biggest red rock; or i'm painting shirts with michelle, i'm getting water up my nose doing an accidental backflip in the water, i'm smiling at the guy giving me ice cream, who winks at me playfully while lucas is looking another way (are they actually paid to come on to you? coz i've been starting to wonder...) damn, am i starting to sound like i miss this? yesterday night i watched a skyful of stars with the doctor, and he told me most intriguing stories about himself, and living in jakarta. wish id taken up his offer to go walk on the beach, instead of having been such a priss about flies initially, because when i went later it was so beautiful and scary and awesome that i didnt dare to go beyond the tide line alone. the dj, he smiles and teases, he played footsie with me on the bus, under my chair, where i don't dare. it's a silly smile that he has, the blunt, blunt mischief. do i tell you, which frivolous part of me liked having you (and then some) around me? you remind me so nicely . Thursday, December 25, 2003 ( 11:40:00 PM ) elle's my sister, who disqualified herself for honours, who feels nothing but self anymore, doesnt speak in small words. the script is vivid in my mind, and crawls along, being written like my actors are braindead, and i am sorry. having to write lines that i know i will soon have to recite, is a little odd. you have to realize, i'd never be able to truly be around people like you, because we just wouldnt appreciate each other's personality, and we wouldnt laugh at each other's jokes. before school reopens i want to go back to baker's inn just once again. i really need a voice recorder. i mahjonged with cousins, and hkhee gave me dog food as a joke, hardy har sheesh, i suppose that will always that kind of time and governed by people like that. the term lowest common denominator flitted into my mind then, but i didnt use it, because, as always, nice people. my dreams are handy, while they're so perky, perky perky. i want to be sincere, next year. well actually, would i have to wait till the clock chimes twelve, before i try to be a better person? well thanks for all the presents, exchanged or otherwise (i've been heavily in debt, i'm sorry there's no excuse), thank you for the christmas cards and the smses unreturned too, owing to my own procrastination and that i have no phone. so even though it aint really my season, merry christmas to all those who'd appreciate it :) you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, December 23, 2003 ( 10:07:00 PM ) elle's shaoning calls, hello shaoning. it looks like i'm going somewhere, i threw away a lot of broken glass. i dont even know how come i have so much broken glass, just sitting so precious like that. i kept a shard of porcelain. not for itself, never for itself. chanced upon my old diary, i kept a few pages till i reached the part about you. then i tore the thing up, and set it on fire, in the middle of my room. can you see me doing that? just like i did to the rest of you. (this is what i do with my past, myself, by the way: rip it all to shreds and let it go.) zixi poo was the usual darling today :) you remind me so nicely . ( 1:44:00 AM ) elle's im sorry mike, i was just moody moody moody last now. i am always at those times, when you come up to me and want to play around, and i snap at you time and time again, never looking at you. you know why i can't turn my face around to look at you, dont you? and sorry to the indian guy at the bus stop, whom i took fifty cents from, because i had to take a bus. he looked like he was ready to sit there just forever, and he gave me his money. i'm so, so sorry, you didn't look like you had much to spare. sorry sam, if i made you feel bad for the whole sizzler's thing last now, or even about the bag, because i really didnt mind that much, it's just that random noise that i always make. sorry weeleng, for never feeling for you as much as you seem to think i ought. it seems i always do this to you, dont i? sorry teamates and juniors, for not having been at training much these days. i promise... i dont know. and sorry, sorry ma, for that look in your eye last now. the unintentional but wholeheartedly felt emotional blackmail, im sorry ma. it's just hard to have to swallow myself, when im with you, and im sorry that i dont try as hard as i ought. you dont deserve all this i know, for giving a shit. i cant feel alright with myself, anymore. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:28:00 AM ) elle's i want to be in a state of comatose and laid on a block of ice, and then left there forever. it's all the things i can't name and can't explain, it's just the last five minutes of the okay day i had, it's just... it's just this feeling, it was even worse than what i had thought it would be in the first place. i want you to come here right now, and take me away fast, in a speeding car, where you will let me wind the windows all the way down and not say a thing at all. we will drive all night, playing switchfoot, wordless, and when the time comes for the sun to rise we will turn the car around and drive towards it. i will do all my crying just before dawn, somewhere then i'll fall asleep, and when i wake up you we will still be driving; you'll go hello good morning how' you do? then i'll laugh at the easiness of it all, and maybe you'll let me steer some. these were the dreams i had, while i was locked up into a tiny little box, thanks to myself. you remind me so nicely . Monday, December 22, 2003 ( 2:05:00 PM ) elle's fullofshitilikeyou'refullofthekindofshitthatilike we're not here, dear! he has a blue guitar too :) sometimes i feel cheated around them, because i stick up for her when they're having the drunkard kind of fun, but she doesnt give a shit about people when they cant do anything for her position or esteem. i suppose it's all i can ask for, when i've been awol for two whole years. i wish i could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:47:00 AM ) elle's talk is cheap, and nothing has broken around here for a very long time. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:31:00 AM ) elle's it's like: come on in, everybody, and get me down already. it's like, i already know all these, but you could serve to remind me so painfully over and over again, anyway. what ma said runs over and over thru my head. carolling was fun, i guess, being relentlessly in every sense of the word suaned to death by an even larger group of people than yesterday. they played flood, with drums, and it felt really really good. i do want to talk to my cousins like real people some day, because i know it cant be a coincidence that we're all humanities people. dear girl, dont tell me you arent enjoying every minute of this; because i remember exactly how it feels. in her passages i read the death of a beautiful person. wish id really known you, before it all would begin. when you draw me that line between right and wrong, i would just plant a foot on either side, it's almost as if i always want to belong somewhere else. i can hear clare's voice in my head again, telling me that i'm just such an angry child. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, December 21, 2003 ( 3:16:00 PM ) elle's need a phone, bad. death and pasta, the best part was how she could say all this with a smile, while my insides were all tying themselves into slow, queasy knots. somebody's been into my blog, and posted a nice big 'fuck you all' about two and a half weeks ago. thumbs waaay up for originality my man, is there something i can do for you? another thing she said, was something about getting out of this hell-hole of a country, because they dont like freaks here. she can say all this in such a kindly, witty fashion, it makes me really want to get out of this shit-forsaken land. i came online just to read an exerpt from my lucky honey's archives; when she finds a way to get to that place so unapologetically messed up, i want to be there with her, or at least, just two steps behind. i yelled a shutup into janice's phone last now, and she is going to make relentless fun of me forever. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:41:00 AM ) elle's what i would do if i junked out of school for a year: -sign myself up for kickboxing -hunt down a hundred good books, and read them. -write a million essays -get a job, probably waitressing -read a lot of poetry -learn to play an obscure intrument -try to find someone like me -go to one art-exhibit a week -learn html -do some charity -learn a new language -cycle every day, hopefully in the rain -learn to be silent i want to start carrying a black notebookaround, again. there are a million things that would never fit into this lifetime. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:15:00 AM ) elle's good pills for the mood include: 1) remembering the million other places i would have rather been 2) small talk on the radio it seems, i am going nowhere today 3) thinking of lotr, want to watch it again :) war bits :D 4) drawing designs for my room 5) jaryl! online! and coming back in about a month :) (somewhere i heard that the act of smiling could improve one's mood, and really that's all there is behind my relentless smilies) i want a digicam too, by the way. sam is talking to me about food right now, and i am positively drooling, because dinner was 3 satays, and sugar-cane juice shared with hannkhee, mabe and theodore. watched the play Woman at the esplanade theatre studio yesterday, i think i actually like all the post-modernism stuff that i suppose inevitably gets chucked to the tiny studios at the side, as opposed to the huge auditoriums mostly reserved for mainstream: musicals, ballets, plays, etc. i wore a red (castro) t-shirt and baggy jeans with (non-deliberate) knee-holes in them, and for the first time in esplanade it felt like eveyone else was overdressed. some day i will look for one of those amateur acting groups and give this a shot; it seems that no matter what i do i tread down the same paths as she did, always six years ahead. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, December 20, 2003 ( 11:44:00 PM ) elle's hey can you let me go on and on for a while? (while they were picking painfully across the skin that had been broken a long time ago, i could feel that ethereal and far away from myself, far away to have even said something lightly witty about myself, not far away enough to escape the hurt of the encounter, the hurt of its long time past, nor far away enough to not feel the.... what was it, exactly, in her voice? the sound of conclusions made and kept silent til now, the sound of ill-placed non-understanding. while some where along the time i prayed so fervently that God would help me feel ok, with or without them, at peace at all costs, truly, which part of me can i say was feeling alright tonight? i felt too much like the broken or invalid, dreaming of dreams only allotted to those who could take if full on at all times of the day, those who dared to smirk and smile both at the same time, those who among their numbers i had, i have, no place.) that done, i dont really feel so awful at all, because i can feel other things and other peoples, and im okay with these things, at the end of the day. i could never imagine being part of this full time, where would i put my million other loves? my love for music, for art, for writing, how could i share this with some ones like you? just yesterday i bought a book by shakespeare, that i read for fun; i drooled over The Complete Works Of Shakespeare, could you tell me what you might think about that? oh, and it wasnt half as bad as all that and i know it, because parts of it were just the pure fun involved, regardless of the surround-sound suaning and pointed conversation. it was like getting suaned by janice, where i couldnt stop laughing for long enough to think of a comeback. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, December 18, 2003 ( 10:49:00 PM ) elle's i guess the answer to your question would be exactly what you'd have wanted to hear, wasnt it? how am i supposed to tell you whether i'd feel happy or disturbed, sometimes there's just an in-between that you cant tear yourself away from. by the way; i'm have more pride than most people you'd know. and while that's no excuse for anything at all, you know. you know what im getting at, dont you? you remind me so nicely . ( 12:31:00 AM ) elle's (wish i could play the violin.) he said something silly last now. so, so silly. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, December 16, 2003 ( 10:22:00 PM ) elle's somebody was dancing cheek to cheek with a huge winnie-the-pooh, to the music of besame mucho :) ma said something about how she would take different courses every holiday when she was young, in such arming herself with a whole array of useful or at least interesting abilities. two weeks left, shoot. tonight i'd planned to pack the rest of my stuff into boxes (sealed, stamped, labelled). i dont think this is ever going to happen, but il give it a shot anyway. sometimes hanging around marian makes me feel like a rich prat, and the feeling itself i suppose oughta do me good. she's the only one really working, this year. i want to burn a cd full of intoxicating songs, mostly garbage or similarly styled, and keep it in my bag, to listen on long cold bus rides when im feeling self-destructive. did you ever think it might be artificial? it's not even the lyrics, anymore, because they've blown over and the words are something i could do, now it's the pure symphony, it's the frequencies and textures which i can't explain, can't grasp, the squealing electric, the hypnotic repition, the endlessly droning synthesizer. i wish there was a switch i could hit, to get myself in and out of those moods. music is the thing that brings it on. when school reopens, i do want to go and look for her, just to take a look at her face. ludicrously as if, almost, i could tell whether or not she was alright just by looking at her face. you remind me so nicely . ( 2:11:00 AM ) elle's maybe you have dulled out in my mind. my polaroid girl, you've become less precious, just like my lucky honey, less different and more human and ultimately just like me. ma called me moody today, and da doesnt want to go watch michelle's production because of the explicit language and the nc16 rating. i want to sneak in, i wish i'd taken up on mom's suggestion of asking mich to give me some participation in the play, just for the experience. hung around with sam and marian today :) here's to the you who dared, my love. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, December 14, 2003 ( 9:38:00 PM ) elle's out-cold and pizza, a room full of dhl boxes, ignoring the sentiments i dont like. does anybody want to go furniture hunting with me? (save for my sister, who i know will disappoint) i wish my grandmother was still alive, so i could talk to her. they say its the resemblance in the aggressive behaviour, more than the duckish smile, some gene in me that my father wants to believe he didnt receive. i want to watch duran duran in concert. :( i tried playing more complicated chords today, it came out sounding like something that belonged to amanda. what is important though, is that i played, played something, touched the keys at very least, and it felt good. (i know im not good at it, but it feels good, and some times that's enough to keep me at it. so, so many things i want to do. ) i wont deny that im a tomboy, but i just dont know where i went somewhat off-track, along the way. somewhere along the way ive started preffering paints to mud, and i cant tell whether that makes me feel better or not. im greedy and i want to be everywhere at once. i want to dance, dance and kickbox. he tells me that's the most peculiar thing he's ever heard. you remind me so nicely . ( 2:53:00 AM ) elle's ever since i've been with you you hold me up all the time i've falling down but right now everything is turning blue, and right now the sun is trying to kill the moon, and right now i wish i could follow you to the shores of freedom where no one lives you remind me so nicely . Friday, December 12, 2003 ( 8:49:00 PM ) elle's today was singing during yf, playing ball, breathing in lots of helium, stringing balloons from orchard to serangoon, peering out of the nel train, getting pissed-amused at him, talking to my own cousin in a different way from ever, wading waist deep by myself into the pool at a party. somewhere along the line i've developed that kind of fear of specifics. do you know what i mean? (while we're at this, i need introduction to places with good secondhand/cheap handphones, furniture and cds.) camp was an interesting experience, i was stable 90% of the time, save for the few moments when i looked into the rain and couldn't stop myself, when he tapped on my shoulder and i had to choke back my words and despair, had to pretend that my eyes were wide and innocent, that the water on my face came all from the sky. there was rain, asking me what i thought of when i looked into the rain. how when you watch the raindrops hurtle groundwards in the path of the light, it looks like it's snowing. how it rained so much that the gravel was covered by floods of water, and it reflected the shimmery orange glow from the lamp posts. i thought about watching water, i thought about the times and the innocence lost, when i could go dancing in the rain like that, just as i'd so wanted to, i thought about the times before that i'd turned my face to face the rain, sometimes to smile, sometimes to cry; i thought of the times i've cried in the rain, how comforting and blanketing it felt, how inexplicably warm on my skin, warm on my senses, warm, like a warm cheek pressed against my cold, cold self. i thought of the people everywhere who looked up to the sky to discover the rain, and how they would turn and run for shelter, how i might feel something else in the rain, something that i couldnt share or explain. that's what i think of, elsie, when i look at the rain. maybe i would have struggled for something more poetic or beautiful to say, but id just wanted to thank you for even coming over to talk to me, and talk to me like that, and share with me about something we both happened to love. i felt God in the rain, it'd have sounded like such a model answer to have said that, but it was what i felt at the moment. i can't explain the temperance of it all, i think you would have understood. i came out of the rain that day the happiest girl in the world. i still have my sad eyes, that sad sad look that i know he could read into, but that's okay. then the day before, jumping in puddles, turning your eyes to the rain, running from the storm, feeling it come upon us. do you know, when you look into the distance and the rain is heavier or otherwise, and you run towards it, and suddenly it's not just an afternoon shower anymore; it's something beautiful and amazing and its all nature. when you can feel the storm travelling, and you run as fast as you can to the edge and the drizzle, then let the storm catch up with you. we jumped in puddles and kicked water everywhere, then sang wonderful songs to God. i want to compose a song, do you know that? i want to play my piano for real, to play like that, my own is not even a skeleton of what they do. i want to stay in the church, and surround myself with such people. the camp was so different, i cant tell whether that made me feel this way now, or if it was the message, or myself, or whatever it is. the camp com lied to us and put us through a lot of ordeals, striking us with awful food and disorganization, letting us believe that we were going to get kicked out of the camp site, even now its a little hard to believe they were able to act so well. when ecashia cried on stage, when i saw the video of our unofficial worship session, when i thought about matthew washing my feet, i'd really wanted to just put my head down and cry and cry and cry. there was nothing artificial, about it this time, and i felt my religion ever so steadfastly for the first time. what was it, apt pupil? and i dont really want you to tell me what a beautiful sky full of stars could ever look like, i wouldnt want to imagine it in my mind for myself. wow me, please, i will do anything i can to let myself be astounded, and i can't let the whole experience be artificial. i've become desperate to shed the jealousy and pride and bitterness and insecurity, now that i've found a way i dont want to stop myself from lettng everything flow a million miles away from me. i became serene or changed, i want this to stay, i want what i felt in that time to stay with me for the longest time. you remind me so nicely . ( 8:22:00 PM ) elle's thank you, thank you silence. i want somebody to hug, for the rain. i've been off for camp, for the last few days, but im just too tired to think about it now, maybe later, tomorrow, whatever. except for the rain, which comes naturally, and fills my mind with its skattic symphony, and i can still see the flood in my mind, i can still bring that beauty all over with me. i want to say that i am a changed person, i want to be able to defeat myself, this time. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, December 07, 2003 ( 12:41:00 AM ) elle's how could i say this properly, i just want to stay up all night and cry. i want to sleep, im tired of the day, i'm tired of working so hard when im awake. im tired of thinking and trying to find out why im angry at you, im tired of digging up my bitterness and my anger and my loneliness and jealousy and hurt. i know you're angry and i know you have every right to be. i also know that you will never know how hurt i get every time you do this, because i never show it to you, because my weakness is smothered with layers or loud and meaningless things, because i've never let you even suspect that i might need you still at the end of the day, and ultimately because i never will. i dont want to think about you right now, what we owe each other, what you've made me feel and vice versa. i dont want to have to ever see you again, i wont ever let you realize exactly how weak i am. i am headed for a lifetime of bitterness and regret, some of which i will owe to you, and i will even do this, even as i have options layed out to me now, a million times i have done this before and a million times i will do this again. this is giving me a headache, i just want to be left alone. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, December 06, 2003 ( 12:33:00 AM ) elle's what do you get when you fall in love? a guy with a pin to burst your bubble that's what you get for all your trouble i'll never fall in love again i'll never fall in love again what do you get when you kiss a girl? you get enough germs to catch pneumonia after you do, she'll never phone you i'll never fall in love again i'll never fall in love again don't tell me what it's all about 'cause i've been there and i'm glad i'm out out of those chains those chains that bind you that is why i'm here to remind you what do you get when you give your heart? you get it all broken up and battered that's what you get, a heart that's shattered i'll never fall in love again i'll never fall in love again out of those chains those chains that bind you that is why i'm here to remind you what do you get when you fall in love? you only get lies and pain and sorrow so for at least until tomorrow i'll never fall in love again i'll never fall in love again you remind me so nicely . ( 12:31:00 AM ) elle's michelle's back. it just feels different again. oh, and i know you think i'm lesbian, and although that should bother me, i'm okay with that. i couldnt possibly make you understand why i talk about people like that, how normal it comes to me. if you werent someone like yourself, id want you to know that i just dont do those kind of relationships anymore. there's nothing more from that world that i actually want, anymore. wouldnt you find it all so overated? she asked me what i'd like to be, in the future. she was talking about work, living in the real world, something i will eventually have to drop everything else, including myself, to do. she says it'll happen. that eventually all my angst and longing and loneliness will just have to give way to that, or at least make new room for it. she asked if i could imagine myself in a 9-to-5 job, and i said i could, if it were something i really felt i could live for. something that involved language or creation, realistically something like advertising or journalism, otherwise something involving theatre or film or that kind of thing. she says it's been scary for her, trying to keep count of the years, trying to move towards a normal lifestyle and all that. i saw gary in a suit and tie for the first time that day, i never imagined someone like him like that. they're starting to feel like real adults now, not just overgrown (pseudo) siblings. you remind me so nicely . Friday, December 05, 2003 ( 3:06:00 PM ) elle's he's a cliche a minute. it figures. to be this animal though this violently moving, it figures. blonde, well that figures too. not exactly slick, but i guess that's what fandom does to you. you change your mind whenever you can; you've been reduced to something biological. they have whiskey in every hand. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, December 04, 2003 ( 9:29:00 PM ) elle's FUCK ALL OF YOU you remind me so nicely . ( 9:19:00 PM ) elle's they played novemeber rain on the radio! i turned it all the way up and screamed and screamed and screamed :) (quickchecks) -all the wheels fell off my blades on the first day. i laughed my head off while they dragged me back in one of those mid day rains that we've been having lately. -i've fallen in love with biking again, i miss michael's bike like hell right now. managed to jump pathetic twice, thought about running of with the ecp sm series bike. sm7! -and im slightly sunburnt, and phoneless, because someone broke into our chalet and my phone among other some more valuable things was stolen. how upset i am about it surprises me. -just spent about 6 hours and two hundred odd at the expo sale, still sore about not having time to go look at furniture. was happy enough there. there was a radiohead tshirt at ecp that i'd wanted badly. do you know what it's like, when you feel the urge to rave about something and you dont, because you know single person you might share it with is just gonna go ...huh? i suppose the gymmers are closer now. gymmer, versus gymnast, is such a mundanely queer thing to say. when i think back i know she was conscious, conscious even about tacky, worlds and worlds and worlds apart from the people she feeds on. she called it primary school fashion, and some day we will cringe to look back at these times and these things we once thought were so darn beautiful. i wish i knew how to start things off, like they could maybe come by accident, and make eveything okay again. it's never going to happen, is it? you remind me so nicely . Monday, December 01, 2003 ( 12:03:00 AM ) elle's i want to talk to my lucky honey in a normal, but atypical context. i regret saying all that to him, beause i know he is unconsciously perceptive. i've lost another gem. the last time that happened to me it was a smack in the face, because he wasnt a person who gave a shit either. you know the sort, dont you? you know the sort, at the end of the day. (while they have been so givingly sweet, my phone has gone kok, and im off for gym chalet.) you remind me so nicely . |
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