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Sunday, November 30, 2003 ( 11:21:00 PM ) elle's i want to hope that some day i will be completely over all this, and completely okay with People. i dont want to think about what being on terms with that might have mean to me, because i know it'd all affect something deeper and keener, a statement that i will some day have to make another feeble excuse for. it's like how she wants to be beautiful, but she's not willing to turn the misery into a lifestyle. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:25:00 PM ) elle's do you remember my frog heart? there we go; that's how you make me feel, that's what you make me do. you turn me into someone who tries, you make me feel myself so acutely against your harsh, bubbly backdrop. and how can i complain; how can i complain when im the one who reaches for it? when i hate how i react, i blame it all on you. do you remember my frog heart? you remind me so nicely . ( 1:31:00 AM ) elle's related searches: head i can feel it getting infected. i dont have enough medication for two weeks. i knew i could find something to hate about you. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:26:00 AM ) elle's i did alone today! (3-44; axl rose and deep purple, talk about cheap vinyl) i had a blast, and i chorded sunny came home in my head, to class95's 90s weekend. i shall play my blue guitar tomorrow, grace said something serious today that really bowled me over. ballet/tap/hiphop, girl you teach me drums will you? we should jam together some time; soon or times before, she will see through me i know. aside, it was better than anticipated, i want negatives and i want to do it again. well arent i open now, arent i enthusiastic and giving and naive. i want some of it to happen. when i saw that group of girls that day, there was something about their individual asexuality that was so intriguing. the all subtly deliberate hair (slicked back?), the ankle (real) tattoos, the perfect skin and panache were no coincidence. they lighted up one by one as soon as they got out, they laughed so langorously and with so much reckless absent-minded style, while my eyes flicked back and forth from my submissing and spotless i've realized that you might just be another version of the vermin of my world, and that your alieness to me is just about all there is to my interest. i have no respect for she has thought too much about me. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, November 29, 2003 ( 12:35:00 AM ) elle's "you studddd." i need a good laugh, and a solid high. a pep talk, and the voice of reason. hi gerard, can i ever get your comics? im still reeling from the gnr videos; some one write me an email and actually say something, for once. geez. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:17:00 AM ) elle's and everytime i scratch my nails down someone else's back i hope you feel it. you remind me so nicely . Friday, November 28, 2003 ( 8:53:00 PM ) elle's tomorrow i go back to speaking that language, but for how many hours? what do i do, this time; it's a little harder to pretend that i care or otherwise. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, November 26, 2003 ( 9:55:00 PM ) elle's i want something sweet-tasting, i've been scavengering all day. i always mix up the accidentals, dont i? my own everything, im just sorry you had to be there to hear it. i met a gnr fan, for that matter an 80's rock and metal fan, he sent me a million mp3s and i went over the moon at how he's been sitting on my list all this while and i've never known :) (i mean that :) in a way worlds apart from what i said yesterday. it's a OMGYOULISTENTOMETAL kind of :) ) by the way, when you ask, you can just remember that this is how addicted i've been. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, November 25, 2003 ( 11:30:00 PM ) elle's i love the sound of cong's voice. there's something so scratchy and inherently beng about it, yet he's still scathing and funny and sweet. and thanks to all the people who have in a way or other done something to make me feel better. (hoonie, cong, gerard, kding, kuah bahulu) you remind me so nicely . ( 9:59:00 PM ) elle's hoonie is so cute. hiak. am i boring? annoying? dull? does it take a lotta patience when talking to me? am i too... common? im really sorry if that's the kind of impression im giving. because after i piss off all over the place (namely, here) i'd like to believe that im mostly okay. :) you remind me so nicely . ( 9:42:00 PM ) elle's it sits there and it positively glares at me. it wasnt meant to be like this. i want to meet someone who is in love with guns and roses. who will sit at the bustop with me and watch me cry, without touching me, like they were part of the scenary. who will scale themself with me, who will leave me alone in a dark empty hallfway, and let me play depressing songs to myself. they would sit at the doorway out of my sight and i wouldnt know that they were there. because it seems i always accidentally spill something. i've gotten comfortable with that kind of shocked numbness; i've thought back about cutting alot, and it's hard not to start. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:58:00 AM ) elle's i just want to be passive, holding on to nothing at all. i am clinging on to the twistedness, my own absurdity, because it is the only thing that separates me from you. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:21:00 AM ) elle's im thinking about shanghai, and i know i miss it. it's just having people everywhere, and how i started to like not being alone. i want to see her again, but i know it'll never happen like that. i want to talk to her and to ask her if she's alright, i want her to talk to me honestly. she always looks so surprised, i send all the wrong signals. i dont want any thing at all from this, though i was biased once before. i want to see her again. you know there was once a time where all you had to do was talk to me... or say something like that. i used to forgive you just like that, you know? now your sweet nothings are just nothing at all. she wants to do this to me? let her do this to me. im troubled at passive. you remind me so nicely . Monday, November 24, 2003 ( 10:38:00 PM ) elle's i think you're so mean who can i blame now, for being twisted? who can i blame now for pretences? strangers affect me, but it's not their fault. it's nobody's fault. it's my fault. i dont want to be here any more. im filled with pretences. uh, i have blogs more than i have fingers. i dont know how to help it, i dont know how to help myself. i dont know what i want, who i am, what the shit im doing any more. i always think i know better, but i always shit dont. i'm not even upset, this time. im just sitting here calmly eating grapes (seedless), typing typing typing. a long time ago andrew i think said something about what if being fake is real to you? it's just about the only thing i remember of him now. im not going to make sense now. a lot of the time i'm adverse to the idea of that kind of world, something so populated, and i work to isolating myself from the whole deal of it. that world? the world that's filled with people like that, people from nanxiao, goodlooking or popular or trying people, the Can Make It people; even though it's so unjustified, when i realize there really are nice people there, people like my cousin and grace and siyou. sometimes i like being around people, maybe it's just mood, but it's probably still off to be so predictably inconsistent. marian once said something about how i can make it, but i've never felt so, and never wanted it, never understood it; i dont know what to make of things anymore, like i ever did, ha ha ha. oh, im awful anti pop-rock, too, everything pop, just because. i feel like crawling under a rock sometimes. i'm like the secretly ironic avant garde; i'll insult the whole lot of you, but i'll take your money. you know? i still feel like an alien girl. i talk to you out of pity, and i know it shouldnt be like this. i talk to you because... i dont know why i talk to you. people like. you bore me to death as we speak, some times im just in patient moods. it's not good for me to be so snobbish. and it's people like you who make me twisted, im not sure if i ever want to go back to my tkd club again. in shanghai we talked about tkd over dinner once, and at some place there was even a tournament that we watched one round of. siyou and the rest talked about how they want to go and learn. i wish i could find a club that made you take it seriously, i wish the system didnt have so many darn loopholes. i might have more respect for the system if i had failed a dan or two, considering how much effort i put into it. "i love the way you order me around". biggest hoot of the day :) have i made noise about how my brother's going to get paid to train now? sports grant, damn i know im proud of him, sometimes i wish my siblings weren't so darn talented though. some guy who studied in naida asked my sister to act for some production, my mom keeps telling me how well she's doing, especially relative to asians in australia, having to compete with aussies, etcetcetc. some times it's hard to believe that these are my siblings, the same people who i grew up watching do stupid and so normal things. did i keep my promise today? tell me it's just moods, or something. i need to cycle, some sort of endorphin high. kevin amuses me. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:22:00 AM ) elle's "everyone's trusting the heart like the heart dont lie" (i touch no one and no one touches me) and the rock feels no pain and an island never cries. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:15:00 AM ) elle's ironically? ironically? oh i often feel like shouting at them, i often do. im a messed up person because it's my nature, and because i refuse. i refuse i refuse i refuse. backspace  G# minor - You are not totally happy, and you know it. At least you are trying to do something about it. You like to think and create to try and sort out your problems. Keep going the way you are, and you will soon be on speaking terms with your demons. what key signature are you? brought to you by Quizilla everything is affected, because i am affected, my perception is affected. i dont know whether i hate this. it's pointless to hope this would last. Your Existing Situation Acts calmly, with the minimum of upset, in order to handle existing relationships. Likes to feel relaxed and at ease with her associates and those close to him. Your Stress Sources Feels unappreciated and finds the existing situation threatening. Wants personal recognition and the esteem of others to compensate for the lack of like-minded people with whom to ally herself and make herself more secure. Her sensual self-restraint makes it difficult for her to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and merge with another. This disturbs her as she regards such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome; only by not succumbing to them, she feels, can she withstand the difficulties of the situation. Wants to be valued as a desirable associate and admired for her personal qualities. Your Restrained Characteristics Clings to her belief that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but needs encouragement and reassurance. Applies very exacting standards to her choice of a partner and wants guarantees against loss or disappointment. Willing to become emotionally involved as she feels rater isolated and alone. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense, though she tries to avoid open conflict. Your Desired Objective Wants to prove to herself and others that nothing can affect her. that she is superior to any form of weakness. As a result, she acts with harshness or severity and adopts an autocratic and self-willed attitude. Your Actual Problem Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. This sense of powerlessness, combined with frustration that she cannot control events, subjects her to agitation, irritation, and acute distress. She tries to escape these by stubborn insistence on her own point of view, but the general condition of helplessness renders this often unsuccessful. Is therefore very sensitive to criticism and quick to take offense. Your Actual Problem #2 Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards. maybe i've gotten too unaccustomed to being alone. it's hard to feel anything now, because i know there will be an end to it. what i've always felt is my own inconsistency and my own seizures of insecurity. reading the both of them made me feel... i dont know. i've been trivialised, officially. some times i wonder if you're bad for me. i'd sometimes craved a pill that could make me go brain dead for a while. i never feel like you do, but i feel all the same. i dont think i'll ever be beautiful like you. what am i, when different from you? im scratched up and unwholistic, awkward and floundering, ungraceful and twisted. it's the being twisted that seperates me from you. i want to talk to my super-man girl, because she will be a disturbance in the waves. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, November 23, 2003 ( 10:14:00 AM ) elle's tell me do you believe it was in any way cruel? what can i say about the shanghai attachment? it was undeniably fun, and everyone's crying about how they want to go back. the company i keep on these little school activities is just so consistently unlikely that it's all become so oddly predictable. i really believe that, it doesnt matter how many people tell me that i dont look or act like a gep, which i suppose should be a compliment, considering their perception of such. i saw the geps from their point of view the last two weeks, and i understood how they thought. it felt awful, sometimes. when i felt awful i'd wanted to sit on my dorm balcony in the frigid china wind and write and write and write. me and my black notebook. being around them made me feel endlessly different, and more gep that i've ever felt in my entire life. sometimes id envy their ability to be so happy, sometimes it filled me and made me one of them. i never expected people to be so darn nice, really. but at the end of the day we are exactly what we seem in ways, and i am just an alternative girl who knows how to survive in their world. (im not descriminating agaisnt either the gep or the mainstream, but i cannot deny that i have before. i cant say i liked or hated it, or prefered one from the other, because that has to imply that i was truly happy somewhere) i fell asleep in their classes, and the people there made me feel so immoral and westernized. um, i suffered from the language barrier, a girl called olivia was awful sweet to me. a girl called ella made me laugh often, pretending we were from s.h.e. the literal spastic little girl i met at the sip bo ai school made a blue book mark, pasted all over with stars and butterflies and fruits in a sort of kindergarten fashion, and it was the most beautiful bookmark i'd ever seen. i'm off pork now, because the darn pigs were so adorable. :) i lost my fish on the bus, while jianxin lost her glasses. im still sad about that, the stupid busdriver had better hell take good care of my fish. i shopped, but not that much, really. i love my blue guitar. there was an absolute beautiful wooden chess set that cost some 800 rmb that i seriously considered giving all else up for. oh i had fun, im trying to remember that instead of what i promised myself i would during the time. most nights my dorm would be crowded and interesting, and i liked that in contrast to being alone. grace is one of the funniest people i've ever met, and steph the absolute sweetest. it's the random things, the random laughter? i went through the slanted house thing with grace and matilda countless times until i cried from laughing my guts out. grace's antics and bad hair days were immensely amusing, we performed yujian to the crowd on one of the days, with me on the piano, clare on the guitar and grace on the drums. one of the nights when i was depressed i played bball in the cold, in so by nature detaching myself from the said company i've been keeping, and shoving myself into other. weeleng was nice to me, but then weeleng is always nice to me. they came over after a while, and me and charlyn did split jumps and cartswheels over the two courts, we all joined hands in the middle of the bball court and did the front-side-back-dance. one of the nights grace peeled 27 prawns all by herself, one night we all linked hands and pranced down shanghai tan i laughed myself silly a lot around them. there was a night when we crammed into janine's bed, all four of us, and she snifled late at night. i wish i could say half the things i feel, without being so afraid of getting put down from all sides. i think i might have been badly affected by this. i played basketball apparently like a ballerina, and jan and siyou and joyce made fun of me to no end, but it's hard to think straight when you're so darn amused. i saw sheila and steph for the second time in these kind of scenarios, and i realized how nice the both of them are. where was i then, associating myself with the same. it's always the Same, when i think about it. i dont know why i look over these people. oh, and someone was humiliated on the trip, so publicly, so cruelly, but so amazingly amusing at the time. oh i told myself on the plane that i didnt want to remember all i promised to when i came back. coz on the whole i did have fun, and i saw a lot of people whom i never would have seen otherwise. people like clare and changd and grace and siyou. then people like jianxin and matilda and jingwen and steph. they're just names i know but i want to keep this picture of them i have right now. when grace asked me to draw a song for her, when janine gave that piggish half-asleep grin, when jianxin smiled that cheeky lopsided smile. clare called me an angry child and the fatalistic irony of it all made me want to laugh. i never thought someone like her would be able to tell me something like that about myself. there is something about my deliberated scrawl of a handwriting that intrigued them to no end. two weeks was a long time to be away, but a short time to be anywhere at all. i cant properly say whether or not im glad to be back, or i want to return to shanghai. it being fun was only something i realized to the end of the trip, when i could keep myself from being depressed, and really learnt how the hell to be okay with a mainstream point of view. i liked the people there even, im gonna miss living with grace and steph, im gonna miss strolling over to janine's room, im gonna miss the lolling and suaning and all that shit. i know either statement has to imply that i was truly happy somewhere, but there are things i can't forget or am unwilling to, maybe unwittingly by the nature of self. oh, and i dont know why im writing like this, it feels awful unusual. it's the culture shock not of china, it's the two weeks listening to their pop music (which they played on the bus), it's the arresting inability to remember what it felt like before. i am torn between portrayal and sentiment. i'll bounce back sooner or later i know, but for now i've gotten addicted to that sugar rush and having so many people around, so i suppose it'd be natural to be at a lost when suddenly left alone. so i shall write with my eyes wide wide open, like one completely caffeinated, or sleepingwalking. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, November 08, 2003 ( 11:52:00 PM ) elle's it shouldnt be tiring to talk to you, but it is. i won't be risking you at all. it felt good talking to the other scriptwriters, because they are all modestly opinionated around each other. i liked drinking hot mugs of coffee, and talking about things in a very literature kind of way. i liked how our concerns were similar, and i liked the idea of putting music into it. ailene looked through my handphone, i dont know what she saw, but i recognized the gesture because it's something i used to do. simple one liners told me a lot today, things you may or may not be conscious of. twenty days without me, he hopes he'l learn to do this forever. catons all over my room, milk, juice, roxette, aloe vera. of course i'll be able to take twenty days without you. i scrawled a line that meant everything i could possibly say to you, across the mirror in my bathroom. so if you manage to master that out-of-body experience thing in the next two weeks, you can make your way to my house and find out what's wrong with the two of us. The Two Of Us. you'd even recognize the song it comes from, and things would suddenly become so clear to you, you'd even have to agree with me, i'm sure. we can't be friends, like this, you know? you remind me so nicely . ( 6:20:00 PM ) elle's i drunk two cartons of milk, just packing. (DO YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING MAYBE ONE BAG? ONE DUFFEL BAG? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HAHA-SHIT WRONG I WAS?) i dont really want to go, but im kinda excited. (AM I GOING TO FREEZE MY ASS OFF OR WHAT? ALL MY JEANS ARE RIPPED UNINTENTIONALLY IN AT LEAST TWO DIFFERENT PLACSE) i think im kiasu, but every time i think im kiasu i eventually find out that my idea of kiasu is other people's idea of normal ("THAT'S AN OVERNIGHT BAG" SAYS MA. CHRISTL: "MY SUITCASE IS ABOUT HALF MY HEIGHT?" CHARLYN:"69CM BY 2CM? HAHAHA ALL YOUR CLOTHES COULDN'T FIT IN IZIT?"). im such a minimalist, and ma says i havent brought enough clothes ("DO YOU PLAN TO SPEND YOUR ENTIRE TRIP WASHING CLOTHES???" "I HAVE TWO PAIRS OF JEANS ONLY") i was planning to cycle today, after throwing a few things into a bag (XINYI: ELLA HAVE YOU BOUGHT SOUVENIRS YET? OHSHIT SAYS ELLA. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT !) xinyi is so cute. (DO YOU THINK BEIGE GOES WITH GREY? :D:D:D:D:D). im kinda jumpy, right now. (MA ASKS, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "DESTRESSING, MA, DESTRESSING" TIENYEW CAN YOU CLEAR MY MAIL FOR ME? SARAH: "I PACKED SO LAVISHLY I HAVE THREE HATS?" HEEHEEEHEEHEEEHEEEEE. WHAT ABOUT THE SCRIPT, COULD I WRITE IT ON THE PLANE? WHERE ON EARTH ARE MY DAMN BOOTS? WHAT IF MY MEDICATION RUNS OUT? I HAVE BOTTLES WORTH OF PILLS THAT I MIGHT NEED LATER. WHAT IF MY EARS GO WHACK AGAIN? HOW MANY DAY'S MEDICATION OUGHT I TO BRING? IS FIVE NECESSARY, OPTIMISTIC, UNREALISTIC? ) ding says i should calm down. yes? yes. packing is stressful, did you know that? you remind me so nicely . ( 11:00:00 AM ) elle's how misleadingly cool does that sound. "the airport?" "to write a script." shuhan's knows of 80's music, i was thoroughly impressed. im tired when artistes sell out to the pop scene. exactly who decides what goes into a greatest hits album, anyway? i want all of bjork's cds. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:30:00 AM ) elle's hey, just so you know, you can't do this to me forever. some day i will get sick enough to stop talking to you, or fall hopelessly and ridiculously in love. today never happened, and i am unreal to you. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:19:00 AM ) elle's i watched matrix, and i watched shaoning out of the corner of my eye. it gave me new insight to the diversity of the general people, as well as a hell lotta amusement. i felt like so desensitized and dead, sitting next to her. though she acts so ashamed, she really shouldnt be :) i occasionally do this, buying cds im unsure of whether i will like, based on pure feeling and instinct. i've never been disappointed by myself before, i like the idea of diversifying myself even though i know it's an attempt in vain. just for the record, i dont know where my archives have disappeared to either, nor how to get them back. i have never been on a hiatus before, because i am too bloody addicted and i need space. some time ago, he symbolically took all the archives off my site, to get me to stop dwelling on the past. sometimes im ashamed of being in a good school, and being a gep, because i believe i would be the way i am now even without the whole stereotype of it all. i imagine you surrounded by people, by the way, floating langorously in your ocean-world. im going to cycle tomorrow, script-write, and pack my bags. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, November 06, 2003 ( 11:41:00 PM ) elle's candy girl is sweet and abbrasive, and i felt sorry today. but candy girl will always be candy girl, and i will never ever compare. i am never one colour, or a true introvert. i, like every other stranger, at the end of the day, can not be fit into a picture frame. at times i am exhuberant and excitable by nature, though it makes me feel odd, people still occasionally call me cute. if i were to do the whole contempt shlick that makes me talk and think like this in my waking hours, then you wouldnt wonder why i have no friends at all. i remember once perhaps long before i toned down, we spent an afternoon after school down orchard road, giving out balloons. we had an unusually good time that day, but we were all exhausted by the end of it, realizing it was too tiring to be happy all the time. i know that time has more or less passed for me, and i won't be sorry for it at all. because no matter what you saw in me then, it hurt in a way you may never comprehend, and i wont regret finding the ability to be and stay happy for a couple of hours at a time, without finding the experience so traumatising it required a few days more to recuperate. how can i ever explain to you something that i never understood myself? even though i felt enlightened and oblivious when i revelled in thinking-too-much, im not going to deny that it was a pain in the ass because it made me so depressed all the time. im not sure if you're the type of person who might imagine that, but what would you like me to do with myself, then, to be beautiful enough for you? some times i wish i could be that pure a colour, some times im glad im not, because parts of me are still things that i dont recognize anymore; a kid who knew how to hold people in her hand, a cheerleading sensation junkie who kicked her admirers in the shins, a mixed-up mess sitting on the window ledge with a blade down her wrist. and what could i do, really, to present a better picture to you? when id like to live and breathe for real, while id like to be poignant, when id like to be able to touch some part of you with what you dont see in the day time. who are you, in believing you could be just one colour? and there are two people i can think of right now who might read this and think it's aimed directly at them. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:29:00 AM ) elle's what brilliant oranges! with their decorative friendship bracelets the loosest thread unnerved. once i could relate to people who gashed prints on their flesh, and called it an art. then i was soon bored of the plainest lines. i dont know why i never hid it under long sleeved shirts, i only remember it hitting me smack in the face when someone tried to look into my eyes, when some one spoke about me softly under their breath, when they looked me over like i were pinned and labelled in a glass box case. i am a different person, on my own. even then, i could smile and laugh with the most trivial of friends, and ignore all my scars, because they really didnt exist to that girl in their company. now that i've come past that time to being a little more stable, i know now that it was that old cliche all over again, and i was never that off course to begin with. there was nothing you might find beautiful about my time- i was just queer, quirky, tempermental. im going to be this way all my life. i know i could never be like you, and some times it bothers me, while some times it doesnt. i like watching them, like splashed canvas; especially you, being so in-cast, into a place where you belong. often im jealous, when not blinded, suspicious. you become an alien in my mind, some one not part of this physical world, but some one i might fall in love with, in every non-romantic sense of the word. i am drawn to your world, by impulse, by tendencies, by yearning. but the circumstances betray, over which i have no control. i sat on the bus and dreamt that i may one day find some one who would think like i do, but i wondered again if im just too weird. i suppose you have to actually know me to realize how badly i've sold out all my life. i dont want to be corny anymore, i dont want to live on my own in my mind. i want this to be okay. i want to not be drawn to so many things; i want to be less greedy (oh, irony). i want to be less extreme, but i want to be beautiful, so i take every thing back. perfection will never be beautiful to me. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, November 04, 2003 ( 11:32:00 PM ) elle's more normal-o's than weird-o's. you remind me so nicely . ( 10:59:00 PM ) elle's a kid lay flat on his back on the marble floor today, smack under the dome shaped sky light in the middle of guthrie house. i was watching him swipe his limbs back and forth just lying there, id wanted to go lie down next time him flat on my back and make imaginary snow angels too. i'd liked the feeling of gazing out of the skylight for hours, and the earthy coldness through the back of my shirt. i dont want to grow up, i know. this might be the most intriguing activity of all times, as far as im concerned. i can feel myself burning out. i can see myself throwing down my books on thursday night and running off to cry, then gail will know what she looked like the night before maths final. i have a vivid memory of staring at the pavement outside coffee bean, stuffing bread into my mouth and trying not to think; that was the day before chem. i take stress in the worst way. can you see me giving up? seems like that's all i ever do, anymore. burn the whole freaking world down, perry dont you dare call me lame. i rememeber in primary six when i broke down the night before my chinese final, ma got michelle to call me from australia and she sang the dont worry be happy song over the phone to me. that was the nicest thing any one has ever done for me. you remind me so nicely . Monday, November 03, 2003 ( 10:47:00 PM ) elle's ma bought me a little rug in the shape of a watermelon slice, and it's the cutest thing in the world. i stood on it and just grinned and grinned and grinned for ten minutes. i pressed my palms to the window on the way home. diorama is an edgy orchestra, harmonious and pure like bell tone. in fifteen years of listening to rock i've never heard something that sounded this close to classical. take the world upon your shoulders take the world upon your shoulders take the world upon your shoulders and burn, burn burn burn burn you remind me so nicely . ( 12:30:00 AM ) elle's they were there, a few seconds ago. i tried to postpone their mysterious appearances, but they flowed through me like a thought too early and were gone. i would have liked them to have lingered long enough for me to know that they were there, instead of just pressed onto translucent sheets of my subconscious. i imagine they weave themselves into curtains and chimes, draping themselves in the doorways so subtly colouring every thing else. it's a funny thought, when you imagine some one not being able to sleep because of you. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:02:00 AM ) elle's i wrote an ode to a thorn today, because it was so unatural. some day i will tell kevin "but everyone writes stupid love songs so why can't we?" stranger i held the thought that you were beautiful, then i wondered what that meant. i used to think that about my lucky honey, that way, and i realize i am more like her than you, because we are quirks, in just one too many ways. i thought about you on the bus, and how old you looked in that picture, to me. then i looked down at my royal hue, my denim and skin, and i became someone like you in my own eyes, but less edgy, more amused. are you guilty? i'm guilty, i cant imagine you'd think in the weird way that i do. id never be able to see directly eye to eye with you. i've been acting like a brat to them lately, and i know they're trying to make excuses for me again. after The O i will live out of boxes. did you know how i'd wanted you to be my oldest friend? i thought we might last forever, this way. this is just sad now, because i'll never be eleanor to you again. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, November 02, 2003 ( 1:34:00 AM ) elle's he used to be able to see through me; he used to be so crude and blunt about everything. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:21:00 AM ) elle's we trained today, and i thought about never learning to do a back somersault. i know it's going to have to happen sooner or later, maybe. everywhere hurts from our self-assigned physical training; i crumple up and down stairs. somebody messaged me and said i look older now than i did before. my face has changed, something about my eyes and my smile and the way i moved down the aisle. you made me sound so poetic. the last time u saw me was when i was a smirky cheerleader with that bouncy ponytail, with all that kind of thing going for me. i would have liked to have been able to tell you what i am, but i dont know anymore, and before i find out things will mix themselves up again; i hope you choke, on your barcadi and coke. some day i want a green streak down the side of my head, and to shave my head bald; like the girl who mixed drinks behind the bar. the texas chick sings songs that i might like, someday, a scrathier, weaker, lullabic version of shirleymanson. and weicong i swear you are doing this all on purpose. you remind me so nicely . |
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