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do you remember my frog heart? |
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Wednesday, March 31, 2004 ( 11:21:00 PM ) elle's i bent a copper angel, with butterfly wings and a pair scissors in his hand (my angel is male, though pregnant). what tan said, is that he doesnt think i'm going to fail, though he still thinks that peishan and i are doing little but disrupting his lessons. i would sleep in his lessons again, if it didnt make me feel like i'm deserving all this failure and frustration, really it doesnt change anything much there. instead these pills make me sleep for twelve hours, while there is a collusion amidst my friends. the only thing about the prescribed british style of teaching, is the high focus on literature as a tool, its features and subtleties. when i do an unseen, these days, it is a hunt for a point of view, something deeper, something raw. i could do that. could decipher the chord that it strikes, the kind of things it may evoke. There Are No Rules Here, We Are All Trying To Achieve Something. i could, instead of this meticulous counting of straws, liberate my palms to the wind, and watch them all float away. suddenly beautiful. i could do this, the way i obsess over the and a; commas, hyphens, sentences left hanging. i hate how this reminds me of you. the thing is, i wouldnt notice things that you don't shove at me, i remember most the things that are poignant and striking, the jolt or the feeling, it stays with me for the longest time. you think, i only think about you when we're both in the same room, ma just says something about how people are wired. i don't remember saving tienyew's life, i don't remember saying those things. would i... say something like that? i don't know anymore, i'm sorry. with some people, anything is possible. i want the score, to you know, i won't hold you back now, it is one of those songs where u can hear the piano clang, and it feels like it is all fated. i will creep down tonight, sit at my piano, tab the whole thing. i remember how he was angry, when i said that improvising like that is the easiest thing to do. it really is, i really believe that; though i am nothing if not skill-deficient, groping my clumsy way along. i'm thinking back to when i played in shanghai, and, was it jianxin, was saying something about how she couldn't play like that. while before she ran her fingers up and down the keys, fast, and fluid, and so effortlessly rehearsed. when was the last time i rehearsed? when was the last time, before then, when someone told me that i could play? if i could sleep, the whole day away, how happy i might be. what it says of him, is trigger happy, which is nothing much at all, but the sound of happy lingers in my mind. i liked that. but every time i feel this way, i want to retreat to a high and sprawling window, and stay there all day. like the picture of me in christl's phone, we are sitting by the window in cine doing nothing at all. is it raining? it would have been a nicer city if it were raining, but the most beautiful, deep at night. what were we talking about, then? she'd named the picture thoughts of suicide, it washes over me like the casual, ever-blatant light-heartedness of the girl, the way she always makes the most laughable mistakes. i wish id worn baggy jeans. and i wish they didnt sell chocolate in school. darn, darn, darn. you remind me so nicely . Monday, March 29, 2004 ( 11:53:00 PM ) elle's in the middle of lit today peishan asked me if i liked any guys right now, and i realized its been hell long since bgr last crossed my mind. i don't know, in some ways i am liberated, in some ways i am out of my mind. some time during the day first love started playing somewhere, or maybe just in my own head, and sang softly along to the words i didnt understand. there's no greater representation, sometimes, than the things i used to do. i've been thinking about the best friends i used to have. i've been thinking... about how you were once the wildest thing i had ever known, and how maybe things could have been so different. i could have been so different. maybe if id taken another route or gone down another way, maybe i'd be so incredibly different i wouldnt be able to recognize myself. maybe then, you'd have been able to recognize me, yes? you were always the sort who might have liked a person like that, you always... would it be fair to say that you always needed that help? that you could never have liked someone who you thought was ugly or not charming enough to be worthy of you? i don't know, some times you got clean away with your arrogance by being such a beautiful child. that day rachel said something about how she'd kept all my old letters, and i realized that you haven't forgotten. i know how i screwed up my friendship with you last time and i'm sorry, because i never want to be that stupid again, you know? maybe in a way i knew you all along, these days i wish i could talk to you in a whole new and different way, and things would be so far apart from what they've come to now. i wish i could click my fingers and we would be friends again, and maybe we'd laugh about how silly we used to be, how inane and childish, and how we giggled over fake love letters and tried to be nonchalant about guys that i realize now, we both liked. i've come to realize that my greatest enemy is just that girl in the mirror, and the way she thinks she knows what is always best, for herself. i... sometimes i think its destructive, the way you could hash up your past and obsess over it, but i'm not obsessed anymore. these days there are new sights and sounds to see, new and improved ways to get myself screwed up. do you know the feeling? hell i wish it didn't feel old and familiar, so darn comfortable, like old shoes that i don't want to throw away. and i don't, at the end of the day, i am becoming a kind of person who could go anywhere, from now on. some days i wonder if this is right for me, some days im changing my minds a million times, but really there isnt much i can do about something as mundane like that. some days i dont recognize myself or some days i don't know what i want anymore... you know? maybe you're going to tell me this is just so predictable. i've been feeling wild again of late, maybe its the class or maybe sec 1 has worn off, maybe its the knowledge that im getting slapped with demerits again once again as always again as i have been unable to avoid completely for a single year, maybe im angry or im giving up, i'm letting loose and i'm going to become the sort of person who would wreck your kind of havoc again. these old shoes i've been feeling again... they could take me anywhere, you know? there are things i want to do with my life and people that i really want to talk to, but i could see myself throwing it all away in one brash second. aside from myself there's not much, everyone says these days, that they don't have real friends anymore. is there something wrong, with the way we're all going? you remind me so nicely . ( 8:56:00 PM ) elle's i wanted to give the latecoming teacher hell today, because i really had something to say. what i thought about during the long trudge back to class with sandy was how i really should have, and the look on her face that has stuck in my mind, like she was afraid that i would head out after the next bell and slash her tires or something. but don't let me spoil your fun, dearie, it ought have nothing to do with me. what she told me about this today, was that i need to put you in your coffin and nail the lid shut, and viciously fight the urge to lay myself down next to you. i know sometimes it is just so much simpler that it seems, but on days like this you want something to haul yourself out of bed for. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, March 27, 2004 ( 11:51:00 PM ) elle's yesterday i was pouring tea into a cup, and i couldnt wrench my hand away because i was mesmerized by the way the liquid falls, ever so fixedly. i have not done something like this for a very, very long time. i like watching things spill over. you remind me so nicely . ( 11:45:00 PM ) elle's before i go, i would like guns and roses. you remind me so nicely . ( 11:18:00 PM ) elle's i'm stiff and spent now, for busking, 3k, weights and ten minute splits that i havent done in a long time. i'm a whole different colour all around too, it feels good to have moved around so in one day. after the sheesh, these people are so boring thing i talked to him all the way home. like old times we played one liners and he sang me cranberries. i thought i was tired, but while i ran 3k and stood under the shower for forty five minutes i thought about how the friends who have stayed my friends all this while are all junkies. they played turin brakes in the gym, and this is something i want to do every week. i dont like watching flowers die. it's just... a sad process, a sad ending. there's nothing else to things, nothing of the world that you see in them. you remind me so nicely . Friday, March 26, 2004 ( 10:49:00 PM ) elle's anything. goes. happy together reminds me of adaptation, the whole cycle of things, the flowers opening and closing the the foreground. should i stay up tonight. watch one of my favourite movies again, play that flea game till i go crazy. tomorrow's busking, but today could stretch on forever. here's looking at you, here's to meaning what i say, once in a while. who cares for you, huh? who cares for you? you remind me so nicely . Thursday, March 25, 2004 ( 10:45:00 PM ) elle's i want to say something very childish right now, knowing that i don't mean a bit of it. who cares for you? well, not me, certainly. i feel like i've gotten my jump back, because it's been the longest time, because these days when i touch the tram it feels so good. zhang is coming back, which makes me really, really, really happy. what bothered me, really bothered me, was the quiver in her voice, and the smiles on your face when i saw you last. i don't know which way it goes in being cathartic, i don't know what to think at all. and you. please. please come tomorrow, okay? because whether we're right or we're wrong, you can't blame us for what we're going to assume. what gets to me, is the way you justify things and so wholeheartedly believe in it, the way you swiftly raise your defenses are not hearing a single thing that matters of what's being said. please? i'm not out to offend, or put down, i'm just saying PLEASE, sometimes when people say things, they really do have a point. don't do something to deserve the contempt that you will get this time, please don't give me a reason to lose respect for you. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, March 23, 2004 ( 9:46:00 PM ) elle's i want to train more, not merely in terms of time but in terms of what it's worth, i want my back somersault to be done and over with. NOW! soon, i can't stand the contempt on his face when i am forced to say that i haven't been trying, i can't stand the way i don't deserve it and the way i do, when already watching over this horde of juniors is being solely dumped on zixi, along with the blame that comes when they don't do their routines well. a lot of the time i really think i should help her, but for the second guessing that could be taken in all sorts of ways, and how it some times feels like the only way i can help her for real is by getting my shit straight. how can i say it, i REALLY want us to do well, i REALLY wish i could just give up everything and concentrate on training, but already classes mean that i train but half as much as i used to in sec one, already sec four is getting to me in the worst ways where i can't stop thinking about MIDEYEARS and PRELIMS and EVERYTHING BEYOND. there are a million things i wish i could make less complicated but a million more that i want to throw myself into, when some times i wish i could just let everything swim free and concentrate on training and nothing else. i love the trampoline, at the end of the day, you know? i felt it today, for the first in a long while, you know that feeling when you start jumping and your body just knows what to do? you feel a sort of beauty and power, or at least i do. i want to train like we did in sec two, because it felt so good and so unimaginably carefree, because i loved going so very high over the sji gym and being in such total control, i miss how lucid it makes you feel, suspended in a good routine like that. i can't see myself taking gym in jc, but i can't see myself not missing it either. and i want busking to go over well too, i want us to be coordinated and applauded and experience that ten second thrill that this kind of thing gives you. but i want us to have the time of our lives too, i want to cut out the tone in my voice that says i could be misread, i want to tell joanna that i wasn't shouting last now and i'm sorry if it all came out sounding like that. i don't want things to be bitter or unfair, i want to be able to say that i have practised as much as i think i should have, but i can't. you remind me so nicely . Monday, March 22, 2004 ( 10:33:00 PM ) elle's the things i remembered-- tonight dont you hate that? belive me when i tell you. please? dont talk to them about those. talk to me. i love when you do. I think the world of you, but when i try i get scared that youll think im a freak. im really not. (i love you.) at least i dont think i am. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:22:00 AM ) elle's i was listening to my voice, and it's anything but clear. nothing much has changed, except the rain on your parade. tonight before i sleep i blur the colour on my nails and try to think of something sweet. do you want to go to school at all? what they say is that, monday finds you like a bomb, but i'm anxious for the weekends to stay alive. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:12:00 AM ) elle's (every time i talk about guns and roses, i feel embarassed of how much i sound like a groupie.) michelle says that it is because michael has middle-child syndrome, and i don't. i just feel awful bad. i have a phone, talk to me please. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, March 21, 2004 ( 7:40:00 PM ) elle's i don't know whether or not to go for catechism class. delia said, challenge yourself, but i do want to force myself to stop wishy-washy skirting around my religion. i want to pick up a sport, and do it every week. i asked mabel today if she ever felt sick of tennis, and she grinned and showed me her spectacles tan. i'm jealous, sometimes, because gym sometimes is less of a sport, to me, who really wants to see the sun. i need to stop slacking, start studying for real and stop having a life. but how, there a million productions i want to catch, a million more movies i want to see. i don't want to give up that much, because i'm convinced of how sorry i'd be. (i really want to talk to her, sometimes. but i wish for things that i don't need, and i do give myself away like that.) there is that Certain Way to do things, and then there's whatever it is you want to believe. or what i do, at least, in my mind there are just two ways i could invariably turn out. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, March 20, 2004 ( 8:34:00 PM ) elle's if i were you, id have the biggest ever collection of Things Said, But Not Meant. dawn, will i be seeing you tomorrow? you remind me so nicely . ( 7:52:00 PM ) elle's i wish you could shoot me. i don't know why i sound so frantic, of sorts, lately. i'm not hysterical, i'm just reeling it in. fifteen is just the best age to be. i need to give it all up. you remind me so nicely . ( 7:39:00 PM ) elle's i rummaged ripped The-Bests-Ofs from the shelves today, but still too happy to take them out of their candy covers. concert, thursday, that i can't take part in, shoot me because she says you don't ever get chances like that, when you're as busy as i am. what you are, of me, is a sweetened gesture without the context; when i could lie and yes, or lie and say no, but how easy would you read me? i cant find the soundtrack to lost in translation, does anybody still owe me a birthday present? i want to watch strictly ballroom, on the day of our dance in the streets. do i tell you, am i allowed to be afraid to show my face and let myself go, if you're going to be part of the faceless crowd? kindness, in your eyes again, if you're teasing, i think i deserve to know. its armadillo season here, but im the one picking up the random tabs that nobody wants to collect. you remind me so nicely . Friday, March 19, 2004 ( 11:30:00 PM ) elle's i want to be easy going, but kevin asks, will i still talk to him in five years time? the thing about me is how i try, sometimes, though in a second i could turn around and put you down to the ground for it. while i'm changing my mind with every new sensation, i don't know where i'm going any more, but there are a million people i want to see. i'm not going to say, i wish i could write like her. i could never take on your mental state like it unwittingly requires, i could never be a you that i could face. i, i have to be me, if i were to be a fake person, at least i'd be a real fake person. i... don't know if i mind, how lucid i sound of late, it's a different style and a different tune, it's a different person, that i've become. aren't you waiting for me to change, still? i know things are miles apart from the way they used to be, and even further from where they'll maybe some day never come to rest. and i know we're so very easily converted, but i'd rather be a maverick than one of your girls. you remind me so nicely . ( 11:27:00 PM ) elle's i had fun today, while we chalked up a hundred dollar bill sharing spaghetti. all the while i've been trying to sidestep my shooting someone else in the foot, but at the end of the day i still get to keep the receipt. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:51:00 AM ) elle's i can't believe i missed everything but the last five minutes of gnr; heheheh i entered at least ten people into the gnr contest because i'm a kiasu singaporean and gnr rocks rocks rocks, and xianrui rocks too because he told me about the programme in the first place, while weicong and my brother suck because cong can't appreciate and mike heard me screaming at november rain on the tube and came out and tried to spoil my happy-groupie moment :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D WHATTHESHITIMGOINGCRAZYYYYY in other news, :D cinderella was good, because the choreography and set designs were simple yet interesting, because its just such a straightforward and lovable tale at the end of the day. i have missed esplanade, so muchly. amused at jianxin, her falling alseep during the second act. peishan's house was brief, fun, and peiyee has a funky daffodil swimsuit :D weicong rocks now, because he's acting like he does when he's feeling sorry. damn there's something about the groupie hormone flowing through my veins right now that seriously reduces my urm vocabulary, and intelligence level. but HURHURHURHURHURHURHUR. hell you know how much effort and editing it took, the entire first portion of this was originally in full block capitals. someone thinks i'm crazy, someone else wants a kiss. ella has been made very very happy :D you remind me so nicely . ( 1:05:00 AM ) elle's NOVEMBER RAIN ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! GNR ON TV ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, March 17, 2004 ( 1:04:00 AM ) elle's i want to do everything that you do, and none of it ever, because i could never compare. i want to pick up a camera, learn how to use it. it's complicating today, and gerard i am so sorry i didn't call you last now. i know, there is no way you are as amazing as you make yourself out to be. my everything is done in absolute solitude. please, i'm a different breed, i'm too tired to try and make you understand. this is all my favourite stuff. no kidding. some days i think you would kill me if you knew, yes? there's more of what you can give, more than you'll ever know. it feels good to be fooling you. you remind me so nicely . Monday, March 15, 2004 ( 10:53:00 PM ) elle's i sound like all your friends, you know? nobody sounds exactly as insane as you do. i was flipping, nosing, sorry. for nothing, really. you remind me so nicely . ( 10:36:00 PM ) elle's she thinks i'm crazy, but i'm really the Queen. sigh. tiring. you remind me so nicely . ( 10:35:00 PM ) elle's i am jumping on stars. i have a new toy, but she has no name. she is so disturbed, that i have changed, and i'm saying so. i'm listless, Feeling Listless. i'm feeling okay, when i can push thoughts away. she named her guitar. after me. cool. i want to go out tomorrow. everybody has embarassing photos of me from camp. i'm the Queen, i'm the Queen, i'm the Queen. i'm the Queen now, who be you? you remind me so nicely . ( 10:05:00 PM ) elle's the reason i am so constantly associated with broken people is because... that's who i am? it's not a coincidence that i understand people who feel like that, what i share with them is a legacy of fucked up feelings, old scars and taboos and feelings of misplacement. what i know of is pride and hypersensitivity and insecurity... its not that im a sad person like they call me, it's just that i am not a hundred percent stable, a hundred percent of the time. and its the times like these, i'm just so scared that i'll never get put back together? and PLEASE STOP SHOOTING ME DOWN i need to breathe here, mistaken or melodramatic or completely offkey i need to breathe and i need to scream and get it out of me. i want to live on a mountain, with a bunch of goats and nothing else. or i'll be the person who dives deep into the ocean to try and find yet another obscure species of weird starfish, or turtle, or seahorse, or something. sometimes, when i am hysterical, nobody will tell the difference, and i don't know if im happier than when people start crowding around me, people who ultimately wouldnt understand. how the shit do you do this everyday. after it all passes im always left with the foot in mouth. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:37:00 PM ) elle's im so ashamed, if you were to ask me to admit that i could cry over you. i'm angry, you know i am. i'm never going to forgive, and forget, you know? i've never been this bitter about anything before, i hate the way it breaks me up, i hate the way i've been betrayed and cheated by someone who i wouldnt normally give a shit about. what the hell would you have me do, now? all i see is his fucked up value system, his arrogance and his lack of sensitivity, i don't care what a wonderful person he really is. he breaks me up, the whole memory and everything it all breaks me down into the tiniest of pieces... i can't even say how much it used to mean to me, how deep i let the wound go, how much it hurt and still hurts now, when everything is bursting forth at once. do you know how much i gave a shit about him? everything about him, do you know how much i bothered? do you know how unlike me it is to give a shit about people like that? it makes me feel hard and unmovable and hardly human, the way i have to protect myself when im with him. i dont think you can blame me for the way i feel about him, i don't think there's any way to justify the things he's done to me, on purpose or not, in my mind he will always be the victimiser and he can look down on me for all he wants, i dont want any part of him at all. i dont know... its bitter and its dramatic, but all i want to do is go far far away. i wish i were that much stable, you know? so i could be side by side with just about anybody, without letting them break me down like that, but i just still can't. i know he won't understand. what could someone like him understand about hurting, or weakness, or insecurity? i've never seen someone so self-convicted... i dont even care whether its real or not anymore. every time i go near the sentiment i fall apart, and i'm not going to let myself fall apart anymore. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, March 14, 2004 ( 9:18:00 PM ) elle's redemption is here what happens next? i dare you to move. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, March 13, 2004 ( 2:09:00 PM ) elle's by the way, there's absolutely nothing spectacular about you. the whole thing was half artificial. i have figured it out now, that it's all about me, not about you. i'm not free from you, but i will be, soon, yes? you remind me so nicely . ( 1:36:00 PM ) elle's camp was good good good good good :D there was a mad rush in preparation, but it's amazing how good everyone looked during the formal dinner. i want to dance, like we danced then, completely uninhibited and completely out of nowhere. hey did we start something? it doesnt matter if the mainstream thinks that us dancing (in any given scenario) is just the geps showing off, because the feeling was just too good in so many ways. have never felt so close to my class before (corny statement no. 1). the segregation is clear, but at least not hostile. um we won dog+bone? while initially nobody even wanted to play, and nicole ong had to convince us to at least try to send a team in. and camp was too short, yes i am still Not A Lady :) the bamboo song is playing in my head, there are photos to develop, mine and everybody else's. got tanned/burnt building pyramids and playing marco polo in christine's pool, feels like post-obs again. but pink is chipping but still on my nails, there are pouches full of gel and makeup that have been left unpacked. is anybody going to miss this, the whole sensation and all? it feels cliche, and completely candid. i think you can never be completely secure, if you pin your security to things that you can't indefinately hold on to. when the most unlikely people are insecure, it makes me feel like they ought to be protected. joyce, i'm just human and i don't have to stand for anything, so don't make me feel like it's something i ought be ashamed of, yes? i want to buy a lot of cds, catch a few good movies some time soon. it's such a HELLO WORLD I'M BACK feeling, i feel the need to jump into things and go crazy again. join me, please, somebody? you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, March 09, 2004 ( 11:16:00 PM ) elle's i can't wait for camp to be over, so i can come home and take a ten hour nap. i should pack, start, something. i think, if i talked about you, this would all be so much easier. you remind me so nicely . ( 11:02:00 PM ) elle's so what, if i didn't see you today, huh? but we are skipping all merry away, at the top of angel voices, anyway, and you are somewhere deep in the distance. you remind me so nicely . ( 4:09:00 PM ) elle's random search for "please don't let this fall apart." ive wrote two other entries today besides this one. the first one rocked but the second one i wrote about a problem thats already been resolved.. i think.tonight you will no for sure and there will be no more doubt.first the guy in charge needs to know. dont you hate that?belive me when i tell you. please? o i wish i could take back all my mistakes and leave the good. then maybe my life might be better. but i complain to much.my mind isnt right. i cant consentrate. cause i feel like i hurt you and messed up in some way. i dont know how. I hope i dont fail. dont talk to them about those. talk to me. i love when you do. i love you.i wish i could tell yout hat. but when i try i get scared that youll think im a freak. im really not. at least i dont tihnk i am. I think the world of you, you know I can not seem to(maybe soon?) forget the way you smiled at me for the first time the day that I first saw your face (woa woa woa)So run away. . .Am I that obvious, you're in the room I'm trying not to blush My palms begin to sweat t's so pathetic we haven't even met. . .(woa woa woa)So run away. . . It's only in my dreams that you see me the way that I see you And you're fantasy, and I'm make believe . . .dreams never come true Like giving up is like giving in your nowhere in the end So while I'm made amazed, I'll try to be your friend You fall for guys[girls] cool and classic, everything I'm not Super-human characteristics what else does he [she]got . . . So run away. . . The odds against me so high, I wonder why I even try Then I remember the day that I irst saw your face Run away. . . Cause only in my dreams that you see me the way that I see you And you're fantasy, and I'm make believe. . .dreams never come true Like giving up is like giving in, you're nowhere in the end So while we're made amazed, we'll try to be your friend Staring at your photograph has never gotten old Capture moments so they'll last, you look so beautiful Days are going by so fast, in this final year I fear That I am just a photograph that will be lost in your past In your past. . . I guess I should run away, never really should've stayed I know I should let you go, its so hard to tell you no I guess I should run away, never really should've stayed I know I should let you go, its so hard to tell you no -Abel you remind me so nicely . ( 12:05:00 AM ) elle's things i want to some-day (fully) believe -looks don't matter -people arent superficial, only as deep as they know how to be -you dont have to be better than everyone to behappy -i dont have to have it all. -being nice isn't a sign of weakness -being honest isnt being naive -you can love yourself and still admit you are wrong -you dont have to be right all the time. -you dont have to have something to prove your worth -you can compromise, sometimes. -People arent stupid or blind -people deserve respect -you dont have to conquer everything and everyone. -relationships aren't battlefields -you dont have to value-judge anything -you dont have to perpetually have something to prove -Change is not always good, or bad. -respect isn't extreme like fear -people dont always want something from you -manipulation is despicable -everyone deserves to be treated nicely -God loves me more than i can imagine. -one must learn to conquer inner desires. -problems from within should be tackled by you -it is okay to be mistaken, but graciously -you dont have to subscribe to stereotypes, for any reason you remind me so nicely . ( 12:02:00 AM ) elle's the bodyshop girl must be in love with you! i bought an irrelevant top, but it made my day. i liked the song choo played today, and the new expression on her face when she shared. it is not that i am looking forward to the camp itself, but i do want the days beyond that one could fill with absolutely nothing. i haven't caught a movie in ages. what i've missed the most is bumming around every evening and waking up slowly to three o clock in the afternoon. i am tracing you out in my mind, when i am looking the other way. i am transparent, but not relentlessly thinking about you any more. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, March 07, 2004 ( 10:39:00 PM ) elle's i've missed fong, i remember introducing her to gunbound. i want the chili pendant from perlini's, because it is an atypical anti-cliche. they paletted my face today, yellow, or green? i have three and a half inch heels, a craving, just about forty eight hours more to bear. tomorrow is the day when we dance in the quad and shop for stars, please hold our hands and wish us luck. (cheese thing cheese thing cheese thing cheese thing!) you remind me so nicely . ( 12:04:00 AM ) elle's (you can do anything you want, it doesn't matter) small talk on the radio it seems i am going nowhere today small talk it gets you nowhere choose between a curtain or a star and i'm silent to the dark cause when i needed someone to talk to you were the only one around small cost, it pays to be alone small talk gets you nowhere i'm silent to the dark and tepid only when you ask 'cause when i needed someone to talk to you were the only one around small cost, it pays to be alone you remind me so nicely . Saturday, March 06, 2004 ( 11:56:00 PM ) elle's i twirled in rounds til everything around me spun, and it's been ages ince i've looked at the sky like that. i want to go on, forever, i want to never leave. the school at night at the basketball court with a whole bunch of people who might or might not be there, i felt safe and alone and peaceful and clear. i don't know how you can put this into words, all i have is a sensation pure, a coolness on my skin and the skies when they stretch on forever. i am going to get over you. do you know how bad it has become, of course you don't. it's just silly and persuasive, i don't want you part of me any more. please tell me, these depressions are just hormones. i dreamt of a suicide pact and all the destructive people i've ever known, i've been happy today til just about two hours ago. it's always the end of the day, or things far off that i haven't brushed in ages. she is dancing in my mind again, and she tells me not to think of these things, she gives me a list of nice songs to play, but instead i am listening to linger, to silent to the dark, to the mellow clangs of synthetic division that make me want to... i hate these words. i want comfort food, a simple truth. the strangers who used to understand i could never turn to again. do you feel alone, is it just me. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:34:00 AM ) elle's i can't even run, i might faint and die. why does everything happen in school when im not there, huh? are you guys having all that fun without me? > :( heh. pastamania i was wondering should i just buy a lagsane to kek shaoning off on monday? i hate being sick, you're not allowed to share food. i dont like horror flicks, not even those that are come from walt disney. the medicine um robbed me of all lucidity. if sleeping all day is something that becomes a lifestyle, i imagine this happening all so often. its a collections of coloured pills again and my refusal to believe that they are going to make me feel well, when, what? this onslaught of thrift store sensation just throws me off my guard. dance is tomorrow, i hope i can breathe by then. dawn, come on sunday, yes? then after church you can come either bake a good sheperd's pie or burn down a kitchen with me and christl :) you remind me so nicely . Friday, March 05, 2004 ( 6:55:00 PM ) elle's not lucid and reckless ten miles on a whim. when you start to hallucinate? sensation is a dream me was planning this out fallen off a cliff asleep in the sun feelings are second hand, illegal. unregistered. are not clicking surround sound vision, a blur, but surely nothing is clear? walking like babies i can million possibilities where she is concerned. azing half alarmed calls in my head. it is dangerous to jay walk. when one feels like that she had a bespectacled boyfriend the face of people i know we are walking like a trail of ants and i see you see you all blank faced and crazy an UnAbsorbing memory (this is the least lucid i have felt since forever) it is dangerous why everything is fantastical, every detail technicolour. smoke smells and diamonds. i could kill a stranger in this state of mind or stop breathing or lie down in the pool of broken glass (sometimes i think this is how it feels like to go crazy) and time means nothing, as does space and pain and a loud tooting horn, a fast approaching fender. my subconscious has broken the surface i know i just know howcrazyilook its the vacancy in my eyes when i walked past a mirror while they're stepping aside to run from strange faced places you remind me so nicely . Thursday, March 04, 2004 ( 9:47:00 PM ) elle's *im thinkthickthickthickthick. i sound like that, the sick bay is a frenzied place. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:01:00 AM ) elle's today was aching and irony, today was fun. i.... ahahahahah. i am not telling, but tis' black. i want to write a poem about her high jovial voice, her cheerios and her lapses into cantonese. if i end up there... i can't half tell if i mind, or not. i want to go over, my sister's convocation. when i say i don't want to be here, i don't really know. because i couldnt put myself anywhere, say i'd be happy, mean it, do it, over anywhere else. i dont know, what might you say about me? i know you're good, but i have no context, nothing flows to me at all. i don't know what to comment, what i could say that i were willing to pin to my name, in your mind. things are living in my keyboard, i am just lyrical, good or bad, but lyrical. i want to say something about you too. you... (i dont dare). but you really really do. i want to be secure. you remind me so nicely . Monday, March 01, 2004 ( 11:17:00 PM ) elle's dear kotc, please go and die, i don't even plan to do you for the o's so why should i give up my sleep tonight to sort you out?and a maths, on wednesday, give up on that too? do you think i'm going to die, i'm already expecting to fail so it can't surprise me much anymore. i have to get my dress? last week? the dance... i like being in it but i think i've let everything else fall behind? the faceless danced in my mind to roxanne while i watched them go on, it was beautiful but i could never bring it out on form, i'm no ballerina, i'm no dancer even, i dont even know what i'm doing here. uh, torture? i dont understand you anymore, i want the star to fade but i dont. i dont know, michael do you know you're despicable sometimes, the way your world is formed on dollars and cents, the way you insist ma pay you to study? i know it makes you feel cool or witty of something to say that, i know its pretentious and i know how it feels, i know i've done it too, i know i dont know anything about you, i know she paused when she saw me today. you know? i know how you swam in it, and i thought of nothing else the entire period. i think i'm stressed, do you think i'm stressed? i'm convinced we're still in 2003, i'm losing bits and pieces of my memory i'm not kidding, it's as if my brain is flaking off like dandruff and floating away. you remind me so nicely . ( 8:48:00 PM ) elle's now laughing friends deride tears i cannot hide so i smile and say when a lovely flame dies smoke gets in your eyes you remind me so nicely . |
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