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do you remember my frog heart? |
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Wednesday, September 29, 2004 ( 7:56:00 PM ) elle's i read through the entire page again, all these people coming together to weep. i do have favourite songs, maybe those you might not call Music. i thought about you again. i think about you so much because you struck me as half of a lucid libertine, because i cant make up my mind about whether you're tenfold intelligent as you look, or absolutely not at all. i need to start studying again, i promised myself i would study Hard instead of how it was during the prelims, never mind that my class knowing nothing of me at all is convinced otherwise. i dont want to give up Sleep and TV, there are too many charming films on tv these days. i liked il postino, and malena, and i want to learn italian because it is just so quaintly silly. and i dont care for privacy, only security. what it feels like to break apart, what it feels like when all of a sudden you realize that there's an immensely larger world up ahead of you. inspiration or what i know of it, what i am feeling when i think about diving into shallow waters or daydreaming about walking on the ceiling of the bus-ride home. why i go crazy when i see the rain on bad days, why i was so happy over The Huge Green Capsicum at ntuc. honestly, it's all catharsis, honestly it's all something bordering on frantic. all this time i have been reeling in my own surf, all this time she has scoffed and called it, intellectual masturbation. if i am amplified, if i am textbook artificial. certainly not your call. i dont want to make sense, again. if i gave you a clue in the form of a word, in a burst i know you would understand. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, September 28, 2004 ( 8:56:00 PM ) elle's in no particular order: i dont care if it hurts even cold november rain take the painkiller im nothing if it makes you happy- wasting a handshake of carbon monoxide my empire or dirt blue skies from pain i dont care if it hurts i dont know. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, September 25, 2004 ( 1:10:00 AM ) elle's hello, im a typecast female, would it surprise you to know that this kind of news surprises me? i started thinking about it when michael made a face at the kind of movies i watch, asking for Good Stuff from a few years back, all that i cough up is complicated-female-identity-etc shit told in terms of slyly whispered voices and deadbeat downplayed irony. trading of barbs helps, as does slick camera angles and leads with interesting faces. im not putting down my own taste, i'll leave that up to you. im just saying, surely there's a Complex for this. michelle would be able to tell me, but it would probably be something perverted. sometimes i think, i am such a fucking girl. that's not a good or bad thing, but it's... shocking in terms of being a revelation. and im not the most hostile person that i know, but i come very close. what i like about us is our ability to say, we were stupid once upon a time, in some way or another. more and more i think, the only humanity you see comes docile and cookie cutter, in the form of tear-jerker emails and inspirational one-liners from the inside of hallmark cards. it half makes me sad, half makes me sick, this state of sentimental disrepair. im done saying things now, i go from this to fast asleep. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, September 22, 2004 ( 11:42:00 AM ) elle's hoonie said something about the me in her dream, writing her toilet wall with a suicide note and burning a building down. on the run for it too, sounds like some serious fun. i said it sounds like people's general impression of me, fuck starving crazy. and i should have watched malena instead of titanic, because the fifty-fifty i caught in snatches of it looked far more interesting than over-hyped hollywood gig. im a selfish girl and im ashamed but i know it. if your making me miserable by forcing me to share is going to turn me into a better person, should i or should i not complain? im a gun and im loaded, but i wont kill you because ive always been just so petrified. i said it out loud that day, in chinese, how i want to study arts, how i want to do theatre, how i want to write for the rest of my life. im all geared and ready until they say things just like that, things like: you're hurting everyone around you. if this is the price of the love i've been getting, maybe id rather you take it away. i want to watch a good play too, some time soon. prelims are over but studying starts again soon, what do people do when they're bored? if there were more foreign films on the tube, this would not be my problem. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, September 21, 2004 ( 8:03:00 PM ) elle's choo said i did well for english, and that my second lit essay was good. i dont know what to expect, because i cant tell whether good is good enough for a one, and also because i wonder if choo's just trying to make me feel better after i went to pieces that day. and... the idea that i did well for the second paper just makes it worse, because i keep thinking about how i bombed the first, and how erratic my writing is, and how afraid i am of choosing this path as something to do my entire life. all at once im petrified and exhilirated at the idea of doing this, it's like, the idea of moving the australia, the idea of studying theatre, the idea of bursting out of this small and silly coccoon into a immensely bigger world. and i guess the only one who understood what i was talking about that day when i broke down over lit was lois. and i still feel bad thinking about it, because people were just trying to be nice. but i'm not saying: fluff me. more than misplaced sympathy i need to know, what the hell is wrong with me. i dont want to do this with you. just because im cutting or im insulting, i dont want to do this with you. i know too much of the time it's taken as just something casual or something play, but you take it in a way that i just cant bring myself back on. maybe... maybe this isnt something that you will feel anything at all about, but it's different for me, and i dont ever want to become one of those people who cant bring themselves to say that they're sorry. i have better use for sabretooths and razorblades, so i'll save them for enemies, not for my friends. because of my need, my desire to be completely honest, i find myself always a certain distance from you. i have a tape recorder that i scream into, because nothing does it justice in black and white. im sick of talking about you, and breaking into pieces, and losing my control. im not a girl who likes to tell my problems, it only maybe-happens when someone comes to pry. and. sometimes i have to remind myself that it's not that i dislike you or anything, it's just as simple as an inabiity to see eye to eye. you remind me so nicely . Monday, September 20, 2004 ( 9:54:00 PM ) elle's and i like your voice, the way you sing about being so cold. the way it croons and it comes so close to hurting and it's different, really you're one of the few i can listen to without caring about the song. it's no fun being the only one who doesnt care about physics. hurhur. i think. it's not fair that you open me up so shamelessly, and refuse to let me to pry into your life. why should this be a one-sided affair? just because im willing, or just because i dont care? because in ten years time, you'll just be even more of a stranger, in all honestly i wont care about you. whether you're a darling or a demon, you have made no impact on my life. i want to know more interesting people. im not saying anything about you, if you can just take me simply for a while. jo was interesting and i cant remember the last time i talked to her. i guess ostensibly enough interesting is something that has often been translated into Screwed Up, in my world. less and less though. but i think kevin is interesting. is that why you talk to me, huh, because i might make you feel like you're interesting? you dont have to answer that, hurhur. and studying for history made me think about how similar all the past world dictators were, and studying for them was just reading the same story over and over and over again. except that the police forces were called different things, or at least, in different languages. i get pissed whenever i think about terrorists, or see some other inane event on tv. that day i prayed about the people who have gotten themselves screwed up in this world and how i cant bring myself to believe that they're all necessarily evil, but this whole issue brings me into conflict with myself. i just wish... they could be wiped off the earth just like that, but i guess that's the kind of thinking that brings me a little closer to being one of them. it's just frustrating that a bunch of people so ultimately messed up could wield so much destructive power. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, September 18, 2004 ( 9:09:00 AM ) elle's and what got me out of bed: no doubt and radiohead consecutive on class 95. when does that ever happen? nobody is ever a junkie with me. do you know how frustrating that can be? im good with conclusions, or they're bad with me. i would say i am a person who likes to have interesting things happen, to me and around me, they keep it less than mundane. (and one more thing: i could secretly like that you will never understand me.) if i act insane, it is only because i am irritated, if i act irritated, it's only because i invested. but things could have been worse, or it could have been a bigger deal. and theatrics sometimes feel like hypocriscy to me, but for a good cause i can make myself believe. all my teamates are sixteen! you remind me so nicely . ( 1:07:00 AM ) elle's i scaled my hill like a person drugged or half awake, but the week is over that i never want to look in the face again. the two single things i have missed in the last few: sleep and Good Movies, in no particular order, after which prelims feel another world apart. the idea of being in a band appeals to me, but not if we're not playing the same kind of music. and playing by heart corny cliche of a good movie, slight from beautiful but close to home. will watch anything with angelina jolie, i am smitten in the first five minutes, going something like talking about music/love is like dancing about architecture. im thinking of the outrageous stories i could spin for you, to make this conversation more interesting. if you could show me someone else who would, let me know. you remind me so nicely . Monday, September 13, 2004 ( 8:19:00 PM ) elle's and all of a sudden. so racy to my ears, so undeprecating. so fast and so throttled, so suddenly void of anger. i cant find this, i cant say, take it away. if you have been good for me, it has not been news to myself until now. i need the time to break away. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, September 09, 2004 ( 6:38:00 PM ) elle's no starved weekends, i have been ballooning myself from the outside. china club and happy birthday marmie, i wore a skirt with fong and clawed at myself inside all fifty floors up and down. optimistic! run at six, or Sleep Til Ten, i am still your Communication Girl. i feel so stupid asking questions that i feel i ought long know the answers to, but please? if it's because im dense, i never asked to be so. weekend deflation, because the world conspires to keep me out of school. makeover and trocks was at least a little pure hilarity and a very cute blond (wigged?) lead. excitable! because it has been too long, one more shoe sale, one more good japanese arthouse flick. does anybody want to do anything with me this weekend, because i sure wont feel like studying. and i know a band that doesnt take themselves seriously. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, September 04, 2004 ( 9:41:00 PM ) elle's hello. i desperately want to think better of you, but it's not going to happen by my gluing my eyes shut. nothing merits your self-conviction. you remind me so nicely . ( 11:57:00 AM ) elle's i realize how i might be a hypocritical friend, but you are beyond a point of self-interest. i guess it must have taken something special for you to admit it, but just the same. can't over-look. kevin said something that brought ian up in my esteem. wasting time online i found one of the retarded videos he sent me, with him jumping up and down on my screen. hurhur. tienyew's going europe backpacking! shall practice being jealous now because i probably wont be able to get away for an entire month, and i guess it'd be funny for me to go when i dont know his friend, more or less at all. i want to go somewhere with a beach! somewhere with endless partying and lots to do. and i want to go somewhere else with a lot of art museums, plays to watch and live music around every corner. then another part of me wants to go somewhere where i can be an endless consumer, somewhere where i can leave my brain in my suitcase. hello. but for now, i need a good place to study, somewhere where i dont have to fight for my seat, somewhere where i wont have a bed. somewhere where concentration flows, somewhere pretty and at peace. i've realized, my problem lately has been the caffeine addiction and how i took myself off it for a while. would you rather me fail my prelims, ma, or be one of those people who needs a daily fix to function? i wonder some days if i ought still be thinking about you, because it's only been a few weeks, but then that's long to you, isnt it? you remind me so nicely . Friday, September 03, 2004 ( 4:54:00 PM ) elle's and exams are stupid i think, because i always think, because i cant concentrate ever and i sleep half my day away. i remember what you used to say about me sleeping all the time, i remember what you tried to prescribe. but prove it, prove it to me. because of course i dont believe you're off for real, the way you never believed about me. i will i think, bomb-or-nor-bomb. two ways to go, ma tried to put me off theatre again, trying but not trying, i know what she wants to sell is something that rhymes with follow your dreams. but da collasped onto his bed that day, six months away from retirement. i've been working since i was seventeen, i am old blood. talk to me about business, tell me how to be a professional bum. i know you want me to not have to starve, to not have to scrimp, like my sister does, like i know it must have been like for you, at some point in time. it's a realist's world, where do i belong. why cant we just fall in? you remind me so nicely . |
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