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Saturday, January 31, 2004 ( 1:56:00 AM ) elle's this is ella on caffiene. i swear, i only wanted that latte to wrap my fingers around, while watching the board panels flip, expletives and people going everywhere, it made me feel small and cold and weary. i may be subconsciously stressed/upset, coz i stood under the hot shower for twenty minutes not thinking, because i'm drinking flower tea by the gallon again. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:18:00 AM ) elle's she left in a mess, toeing finely on the last call, i watched the panels on the announcement board dance with their flip flip flip, thinking, soon michelle will be gone, it will go from BOARDING to GATE OPEN to LAST CALL to DEPARTED. this year she kissed us on the cheek, this year it was harder, more tender, sentimental on my part. my farewell to you: my coming home too late to have dinner with you, my warm latte sweet and sickening, my walk down the aisle with kenzo on my fingertips, waving at the glass panel and half-wishing that you'd miss your plane. what you didn't see was my scribbles on a paper all about you on the cold and queasy bus ride home, the thoughts in da's head while we walked back to the car. and i remember all the things i've done with you the past two months, i think to myself no more fighting for the toilet, no more dormitory room mate, no more of your physical presence; your piquant nonchalance and the contagiousness of each other's dazy high. it's been a long time since i've had someone to be that silly around. so while you've left, miche, goodbye and i love you. i want to remember who i am, what my name is, and that i don't have to stand for anything but myself. you remind me so nicely . Friday, January 30, 2004 ( 12:16:00 AM ) elle's stars. stars and rainbows. but nothing flamboyantly spectacular understated dewdropws looks of mundane melancholy you are fading, my girl once you were my star. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:02:00 AM ) elle's No entry found for i thought that we had something. Try looking up each word separately: i thought that we had something For better results, try our search tips. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, January 27, 2004 ( 9:42:00 PM ) elle's maybe for you it is i remember what he said once, i remember how he glared so furiously and impersonally, i'm sorry i'm not like those people who pour their hearts out to gentle aquaintences, right to the point of tears and hysteria, right to the point where someone i never looked in the eye before can suddenly finger my soul inside out. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:34:00 PM ) elle's michelle, i dont want you to go because you are honest to be around and you're not scared of what any one is going to say, because you hug me when i cry and you laugh silly at me and make me feel like it's okay to be small small small- i feel like i've had an actual sibling the last two months and i dont want you to go away. okay? mike is no fun and he doesnt mean what he says when he pretends he doesnt care what people think of him; my brother he fools himself and i hate him i hate what he does to me all the time i hate him, especially now? i hate how smart he thinks he is and how self-satisfied and how you all need to move up to my wavelength he goes on and on, i hate how he doesnt care and i dont love him anymore, michelle do you know how void this household becomes every time you leave? who else would tell me that she'd be willing to help me paint my room, who else would wait for me to start the tape when we're supposed to be watching something together, who else would come talk to me really talk to me, in small pointed sentences that say more than nothing at all- who else understands what that's all about? no one else in this family has old scars running down their arms, no one else in this family believes that stumbling over and breaking down is something that just can't be avoided, sometimes. i've been starved, i'm still like tiny little child, when i involuntarily stick out my lower lip and burst into tears- i just want to stop all my shit and take things steadily. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:21:00 PM ) elle's well fine, be bothered, if you can't feel like you're being yourself any other way. and thank you shaoning for calling and being nice :) you remind me so nicely . Monday, January 26, 2004 ( 10:14:00 PM ) elle's i want to bake a big fudgy chocolately cake, and eat the whole thing in one sitting. you remind me so nicely . ( 10:06:00 PM ) elle's i cover my ears like it'd protect them, i want ma to come back and make me tea. michelle gave me a big hug and let me buy chocolate, the irritable lady at seven eleven peered at me over the rim of her glasses while i tried to look away. what is best about my sister is how she laughs understandingly in times like these, and would let me play music that she hates all the way home. it's early and im drained, there's a test i should be studying for and no energy left in my veins. how i felt when they all looked at me is like that girl strapped to a huge bull's eye, for someone to throw knives at, but i've been there for ages and no one's letting me down. stop breaking down plays in my head, my only hope is that this can be put down to pms or something as simply biological like that. dearie are you okay? i do know how it feels, i'm just saying it sucks. i try to say i'm sorry for making myself misunderstood, but counting down to the weekend from now. i'm just hoping to take the longest rest and wake up never. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:06:00 AM ) elle's if we were some sort of community, i imagine a separate room next to yours, with a doorway in the middle where we could pass through, or an adjoining toilet, some sort of way for you to look into my world and vice versa. i can see mine, done up indian style with elephant cushions and norens and wall paintings, splattered and bohemian and vibrant and intoxicating. do you imagine you'd complain about my burning scent and spices in my room, my melancholically playing my blue guitar in whispers in the middle of the night? yours would be knowledge and intellect and endlessly intriguing know-how, shelves of irony and politics and science that would browse from time to time (but you would actually read, solemnly, and understand). dont you think that i could learn something new every day, living with you? while i revel in my evening time song and dance, my mid morning and early afternoon culture prayers, my hoopla and smoke and all-knowing tarot. what could i be to you? the symbol of new age spiritual frivolity, weeping b-bits and laughing caterpillars, with tropical fish and a large and exotic lizard as pets. have i mentioned? i cleared a large whole in the centre of my room, i don't want my sister to fly off for good. we messed around retarded in the supermarket today, half-asleep and biting, she snaps my straps and laughs her head off. i could never feel any sort of that to my brother, my brother is no fun, and i've taken a sort of liking to the feel of having a sibling, a real sibling. everyone in the world is getting friends-only journals, and i feel cheated some, but not enough to feel anything at all about it. bending over backwards for something as small as this just doesnt seem all that worth it, i'm not all as nice or all as determined as that. i'm thinking of abandoning blogs altogether, thinking of looking up into a real world and never turning back. i dont know, anymore? there's a world beyond this, a world beyond high school, that i'd never actually looked in the eye. i miss those certains about the way back when, but i know that we're just not on the same page any more. i can't say anything, i give up easily but i don't stop wishing, i smile and tell myself that in the end everybody is going to be okay. i've become even more centered and self-focused of late, i want to know people who would do that with me. coincidence? coincidence? we can check them off with strings, i love you but everyone is going away, i'll miss you but i'm not deciding to stay. i hope you find yourself, i hope everyone stays insanely happy not caring what everyone else is going to say. who knows where i'll be headed, but if you ever need me i'll just be being around :) you remind me so nicely . Saturday, January 24, 2004 ( 6:35:00 PM ) elle's my brother, he closes his mind. he bolts it shut, he's unaware. what he does, is stew; stew in his own assertions, stew in his own convinctions. would it be pervereted, to even consider doubting yourself? what's the point? what's the point of trying to show you a point, when you live in a world where things are measured by money, where you're busy believing that everyone else is the same? i don't have to understand you or make you believe or understand me, i live in a world where things are different, where dreams are real, where people feel and arent ashamed of it. and i'd never be visiting you in your world, not once i get out of this family and leave you behind for good. i can just hear you now, brandishing your whatevers and your naivetes and your you don't know anythings. and while i love you, how do i defend you when what they say is true? you remind me so nicely . ( 12:58:00 AM ) elle's it's such a monotonous and insane sound, do yuo think? it sounds like a chase down impersonal grey alley ways, a race against time and a race that will end with someone being shot in the gut. what do you think of... when you write? i only remember once, when we sat in a fast food booth, facing this sprawling window with a view of... a bridge? people, sparse buildings, a little bit of river. i remember you looked out and said something about having a camera. i remember.... we sat in silence and wrote for five minutes, and we looked up at the same time. do you remember? i wrote something about the bridge and the people and where they were headed, you wrote four lines about a handful of change that one of us had carelessly piled on the table. remember how i'd been trying to balance one of them on the edge all day? instead of doing my work, i was finding some good reason to talk to you- remember? and after reading about the entire universe that you saw in that handful of change, i looked up at you, watching me, waiting to give me your small, right-biased smile. and maybe, maybe my face was turning red, or maybe i was just beginning to smile, but somehow you did something to change everything i see in you, that day. and of course we write emotively, of course this is the way we've chosen. i'm not winning an arguement here, i am just painting a picture. i am... that biased? that embarassed, now, to talk to you still? i'm only thinking of you right now because summer rain is playing again, and you were the singular most forthright person i have ever known. and you, my dear? while i don't believe you anymore, you sure are beautiful. you remind me so nicely . Friday, January 23, 2004 ( 2:11:00 AM ) elle's i miss... yes i miss zixipoo right now. im sad at the idea that she's not going for competition this year, it worries me to think of what is going to happen this time. i can hear meiying in my head telling me that we're all so collectively mean to weeleng, i dont know what to think what to do. she wrote on her christmas card to me, about how nice it makes her feel to be with us, and i think about how hurt meiying sounded when she told weeleng about how she'd been the nicest to her already. what do i do, keel over and worship? or fight, does fighting ever get you anywhere? hey, to the girl with no name? you've... something. not mellowed-out, because you were nothing before if not hopelessly, relentlessly mellow. but you've changed, the whole i ain't changed but i know i ain't the same thing. do you know that? maybe. why are changes with you so subtle and unspoken, while mine always come crashing over my head so dramatically, out of nowhere and so blinding in their revelation? i knew we were different from the start, but maybe not so much so, huh? it's two, i'm sleeping at three, i'm not going off before i at least finish a piece for social studies. so hi and merry christmas and happy new year and be good to all the people online who i'm not talking to, because i'm here wondering what you're doing up at this hour :) you remind me so nicely . Thursday, January 22, 2004 ( 11:56:00 PM ) elle's my (chinese) new year resolutions include: -to stop borrowing money. which isn't going to happen overnight, but all the same. -to stop leaving things to last minute. there was an insane rush on cny eve that i never want to have to go through again (although cartwheeling down the taka corridor was kind of fun) -to be less obnoxious, and elitist, and disrespectful. drawing on the bus means a pageful of frustration, because scenery changes far too rapidly for me to catch anything at all, let alone render it on paper. so what i am left with are details removed from their host contrivances, lines from a mental picture i will never see again- in short, thighs extracted from all face and frame, knotholes amputated from their mother trees. im blest, id like to say it to my own face and maybe know it for real. lately i'm believing, i might just be the most simple-minded person in the world, how the hell did i get into gep when really i'm just a literal stupid prat? i am seeing why i always get teased in the laughable fashion that reminds me of people like hankhee and then of janice, and im deciding that there are probably worse ways to be. the best part, of course, is how i can say all this without feeling like i am lying or spooning for affection and assurance, without feeling low on myself in any way at all, without feeling that familiar surge of panic depression insecure hysteria then checked that washes in waves over and over and leaves me comatose in ther morning, wanting to lie there all day turning cold. instead i can say this all with half a smile on my face, talking to two different people who love to make me laugh, while turin brakes goes on top volume on the speakers. so hi, this is ella feeling good about herself today, nothing to do with the seemingly neverending hours of relative-bopping and the twelve pieces of banana cake i just ate. got a burn today, gelled my hair in a way that if i gave a shit enough i would have liked to do everyday. what i discovered today was that i have an uncle with a cd collection that i would kill to have, and that im looking more and more like my sister as the years go by. in my mind i can see gary and sean's faces when we all looked at each other and burst out laughing, i am tickled all over again and that was the only good thing about being with them. want to read jeffrey eugenides again soon, do i stay up or do i not? this has been another attempt in vain to start on my homework. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, January 20, 2004 ( 11:22:00 PM ) elle's these days i talk to myself about how i used to think that you were smart. you never amused me when you did before, but at least i gave you that much. i've been feeling simpler for a few days now, and i quite like the whole package deal. there goes my deliberation with taking things out of context. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:46:00 AM ) elle's talked to gail for an hour after maths tuition, im sick from the rain in my shoes and i just know nobody is going to believe me. china club, opulent, communist, overall fascinating, but far from intricate. the view, all the way up there? you can see a dark river and lights all over, you can see the clouds come whoosh and bring everything into a sort of mystical obscurity. while i stood on tiptoe to graze the red chandelier with my fingertips, he walked in on me, smiled and left. i was telling myself, no dearie that's not what im here for now. there was a vintage merc sports in the garage, i ran just the tips of my fingers over the milk white and she laughed one of those grand and luxurious laughs of hers, and told me to ask a boyfriend to buy one for me. jiao ta mai yi ge, ni cai yuan yi jia gei ta. daddy, it was like less retro version of your oldest (that i knew of, anyway), the same colour and faded leather and block radiators? you know, da? if there is anything that i could possibly be an authority on, it would be knowing nothing. hi dearie, i can't write properly these days, and damn it feels good some. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, January 18, 2004 ( 11:37:00 PM ) elle's oh, i went to the market for the first time in a long while. i asked ma if she bought peas in a pod, like she did when i was six, she used to give me one to play with, to peel apart and throw around. it's been what, at least six years? since i was this tiny little thing tottering around the market, since the vegetable sellers and meat sellers and everything sellers would give me biscuits and what not because they thought i was cute? now im taller than most of them even in my flats, im dressed up to the nines and they call out to me, xiao jie, yao mai ma? jaryl do you remember the time we went there to look at the fish? well the frogs that we saw then, the tiny little things twitching about in plastic bags, are probably the same ones i saw today, live and olive green and big as my fists, and bigger (i have small fists). there's something about the market, and my having been there in dress sandals and tight jeans, that makes it all seem so charmingingly far away. he complains that i talk in circles, in a way that he doesnt understand. he pretends to like it and to appreciate, but i can't explain myself to him at all. how do i say it, incongruency? did i tell you that i talked to her, that day? and that she's a beautiful girl, absolutely not, and she makes me smile, but lopsided, and she's far from a darling, but the most simply intriguing person (visually) i've ever met? and i think the shanghai people want to kill me, kill me, kill me. i felt so naive that day, being with them. i am here here in the desert, knownig nothing. i wanted to ask you, lucky honey, what do you do to yourself when you are sad? the way it goes im starting to imagine you have no idea what misery looks like, almost like you were colourblind to it, or something. i feel cheated by you, and harmless in comparison. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:30:00 PM ) elle's many things i want to do soon, yes? i'm not half as frivolous as i put myself out to be, but then again, i am, i am, i am. it's almost unbelievable, how well they get along, when you dont think about her too much, don't worship at her feet. i am supposed to take you seriously, but you know i won't, because you're just so predictable sometimes. let's talk about how i slept the whole day away, shan't we? grace's brother. violin, accompaniment, pure. beautiful, beautiful sound. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, January 17, 2004 ( 11:24:00 PM ) elle's i am not sitting in that quiet room where u think i am, i am not waiting in silence, listening to you bang your fist with my ear to the door, i am not there at all. i am out on the roof, watching the sky, and it is raining. it is a different sky from yours that i have gathered to see, that i crawled out from my window, i swung from ledge to ledge. did you see me there? when there was a flash of movement against your window-pane, did you see me there- did you see me, making my glorious escape? you remind me so nicely . ( 11:23:00 PM ) elle's i love china town during this season, i want to go there again. all the new year lala and... everything. i feel like a different ella again, but it's something that i know will pass and fade. i went to yf today, i looked at my daydreams in the eye and laughed and laughed and laughed. ostentatious? it has been a while, i have been a while, i haven't really been seeing much of my teamates at all. everything just seems so la-la rite now. with a music note at the side, and a fanatic's smile, less-than-sincere, only taking up half my face. kevin's back :) or back online, coz i haven't been seeing him in a while. it all just goes to mean that i'm tired, and dreading the rest of it all, arent you? you remind me so nicely . Thursday, January 15, 2004 ( 1:35:00 AM ) elle's hi, this is ella still up at one-thirty-am, this is ella still doing her over-over-due commonwealth essay, this is ella promising never to let my work fall behind again. yes, i need some sort of tried and true study schedule, i need to pick things up and get to proper work. and here i am, planning to take up drums and guitar, signing up for a whole list of commitments and overtaxing my time, here i am, ladies and gentlemen, fallen over and on my face, in my half witted all-upward climb to acheive something and be a good girl this year. i hope, i hope that tomorrow will be a good day, and one where i might be able to come home after training and just sack off, straightaway. more caffeine? you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, January 14, 2004 ( 10:26:00 PM ) elle's thought-thought about jc, and uni, and what i might be doing for the rest of my life. can't believe khin asked teo about the art lesson (i want i want i want), unfortunate sure that she won't tell me if and when it actually happens. :( he chumilly punched me on the arm that day, a kind of boyish greeting, and i should have smiled back. i've been thinking about you, about people like you, for a long time now, but i don't think you should know. you're just the kind of person i would like to share sweet and mischievous smiles with, also friendly, also casual, also close. wildest love has been playing in my head the entire day, and i hate my commonwealth essay to death. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, January 13, 2004 ( 9:48:00 PM ) elle's am walking asleep; michelle languished on my bed til 2 am and i was grouchy in the morning. we passed a candle from hand to hand, eyes on the flame, mine intent, hers thoughtfully unintrigued. she says, i hope you find what you're looking for, she blows out the flame from the lighter every time i click it. i'm exhausted now, but i am protected. you remind me so nicely . Monday, January 12, 2004 ( 10:04:00 PM ) elle's i found it in the morning, and i am still violently happy. last night i lay in bed trying to collect all the sensations, and they wouldnt come. i want to write a letter, to the address i lost; send him a picture, send him a song. i want pretty stamps, and a child's sticker book. i am only so ambiguous because i know what you will say, and it is not that much of a lost to keep to myself anyway, i'm the sort who's learnt to be hypocritical at times because i just dont care enough about being detailed true. i'll be shifting soon, or not-so-soon, but eventually, but i'll never be able to keep only one blog, because i have issues even against people who i can look in the eye and give the sincerest of smiles. well yes sugar, that's you too, but its not as big an issue as you will take it, because every one has issues against every one, and i'm not silly enough to hate you for things, things like these. it's not even explainable, not even sensational, because it's just the facing of differences, something that's become mundane and prosaic, almost jejune to talk about. i wrote a page of How This Year Has Been So Far, and decided that while i'm not doing enough, i have no idea as to how to start. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, January 11, 2004 ( 3:58:00 PM ) elle's i lost the bangle thing, in yesterday's flurry. i lost it so fast, i'm upset and i'm sorry; i'm sad, dino. after all these years, forget about all the troubled times. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:42:00 AM ) elle's i feel small today, more small and curled in a corner than i've felt for a long time. i feel so sorry, to meiying, becacuse she gives me these looks like she's about to cry, and i feel sad for her. i wouldnt like to be someone who liked me either. my url, it came from the video of patience. i tell him, i love the sound of axl rose's voice. funniest thing, is that liz asked me if im straight today. the only other thing that made me laugh, if only inside, other than grace's sillying around at the pool hall. i almost want to tell my juniors that i hope some day they'll be as close to each other as i am, or was, with my teamates. i'm just being honest here. what plays in my head, is im not in love, the one where they dance in halls nothing like technicolour, and smell like sweet liquor on old linen. what i did today was, get scared by tienyew and company in my own school, play pool and watch clare's band perform at some tiny competition, in a huge air-conditioned auditorium with no reverberation. seven of us squeezed into the backseat, and i watched them go on and on, so hopefully charmed. i'd wanted to take a long trip on an air-conditioned bus today, and sketch all over my book on the way. i'd have played enchanted whispers the whole time, i'd find a seat with a clear cast window. i hate it when people stare at me on the bus, while i'm drawing, or writing, or whatever, but i suppose in the simple doing so i've already asked for it. i screamed at my brother, i burst into tears. there's so much i have to do now, should be doing now, so many promises i have to keep. you remind me so nicely . Friday, January 09, 2004 ( 8:43:00 PM ) elle's i've forgotten how to write, with or without spilling. i keep wondering what im saying, what im saying, what im saying. even when i know how it goes, it just comes with eyes wide open. taken to listening to guns and roses again, really loud, even concentrating, like a full blown orchestra. i feel like- raindrops, sudden and harsh and melodic, on strings that buzz and chime along. just those ten seconds i could crumple and worship. lucky honey, am i beoming just as bad as you? you remind me so nicely . Thursday, January 08, 2004 ( 9:09:00 PM ) elle's the best thing happened to me, somewhere in the middle of the day. i can't talk about it, because i know what you will say and what that will bring about, so instead i'm just going to smile and smile and smile. you should know.... i haven't smiled this way about much else in a long long while. (you are a million times braver than me, i know. some part of me relates you to a child's game, but with a child's innocence and a chid's simplistic naivete; a child's not-knowing-better and a child's blatant honesty. ) my juniors cried like one-by-one dominoes today, meiying tugs my hand and i'm a little sorry that i'm not in charge of her anymore. xinyi left for the floor, sandy cried at the notion that i could get punished for her sake. i sit there and smile, meiying's crying strangely makes me feel like crynig too. i'm happy for everybody, i decided to train really hard from now on, ignoring this stone in my shoe that screams that we're all going to die. i believe in miracles, do you? you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, January 07, 2004 ( 11:26:00 PM ) elle's (here she was today, looking all curved and mischeivous, making my day all over again.) i act like i have a lot of time, don't i? you remind me so nicely . Monday, January 05, 2004 ( 10:56:00 PM ) elle's news/resolutions -save money = less spendthrift -more responsible :-treat my things better -more respectful -a girdle on my tongue -more time studying, less time computer-ing -run+cycle+be healthy -the My Own existences -sleep earlier -clean the room, keep the room. -self-discipline, which it all runs down to, at the end of the day -read intellectual books, not just literature -qT? -be nicer to people: less demanding, more polite -silence. ones that especially stay -be a good girl, and study hard hard hard -church+yf(?) -less of a slob -a little less violence (things aside, include) -talking to kevin -smiling with my eyes more -thinking about people like t (yes they are late; the irony and implications are smacking me in the face) you remind me so nicely . ( 12:32:00 AM ) elle's she asked about my holiday, and all those juicy details, she calls them. who is the doctor, what kind of stranger stays up all night with you to talk about the stars? who is this who you are missing now? who are you talking about, when you say all these kind of things? she adds, are you still straight?, as a sidepoint, even. four times she asks, dino? what kind of name is dino? she laughs at his infamous pickup line: what do you want on your shirt, me? she laughs, or she pretends to laugh, and she is more convincing that she used to be, eight months ago. she calls me up, and laughs maniacally into the receiver, and i am a little lost. (min you have just been a little scary, but i didnt know how to tell you this to your face.) you remind me so nicely . Sunday, January 04, 2004 ( 11:37:00 AM ) elle's i took the silver doggy tag from a pair of levi's jeans, one that looks like it could cost more than the pants themselves, one that i can see my reflection in, clear as day. i'm not feeling bad yet, i'm just dangling the thing on a single finger, watching my stoney expression flicker/disappear as it spins round and round and round. quality never goes out of style, it says. i don't understand, i'm trying so hard to see into something that isnt even there. kuo for chem is a good thing, but the long and painful process i forsee includes clips of him screaming at me, screaming at us, for this pathetic standard. wish i could go to him and ask him for help, because i dont comprehend a thing, and i dont know where to start. i loved the way they reacted to my hair, the opens jaws and the love-it-hate-it look in their eyes. i wanted to laugh and clap my hands when i saw sarabelle's face. do you sometimes feel, that you've got too many people on your hands? you are someone else, i am still right here. you remind me so nicely . ( 2:35:00 AM ) elle's i read her, every day i read her, and every day she sounds exactly the same, and every day she is a fraud. how do you sound like that, exactly the same, no matter what happens to you? while you beckon with some sort of sincerity, at the same time? i imagine that on a day when your keenest of dreams came true, you'd sound exactly like you would on another when every one you loved silmultaneously jumped to their suicide and left you for dead; that is, exactly the way you sound, every single day. what is there left of you, anyway? oh and how i was fooled, by wanting to believe, when at the end of the day, you're as special as the toneless and expressionless everybody i that see. you get old, after a while. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, January 03, 2004 ( 2:11:00 AM ) elle's weicong, if nothing at all, you're always the same. :) zixi gave me soya bean milk today. and i think, how do you get someone so dang sweet? i wish i could fly. take a running jump off the roof, jump upwards instead of down. i saw a kid carrying his sister painfully on his back today, wheeling a bicycle with his both his hands. i sat on the park bench and drew them for a while, when i should have gone up to help. when i eventually did there were only ten metres left to the journey, and the little girl clung to my like a screaming, crying monkey. as she wailed over an injured leg, her brother turned back every second to tell her to shut up, and i thought kid, you've got the loveliest brother in the world. i drew a scooter todaytoo; chugachugachuga, past the 852 window. i want to ride a phantom down a foreign highway some day, fast and free and to nowhere in particular. she dropped her jaw at me today; it was hilarious and it made my day right from the start. you remind me so nicely . Friday, January 02, 2004 ( 2:35:00 AM ) elle's happy new year, this is so Wrong Foot. (this is how i write quick notes:) what i did yesterday was, go for the esplanade countdown (fireworks, unpretty by the standards), cut my hair short enough for me to get into trouble tomorrow (not the purpose, but still), listen to alanis and silverchair for the first time in ages. watched love me if you dare, which was a circus carousel in every single way (playfully nonsensical but prettily so), have been humming la vie en rose ever since. this holiday's been too rapid, and i havent even had time to think about it; not really, not by my standards, and you know my tendency to think things to death. i am looking, looking future-forward, into the day when i can leave this family, and leave everything behind. there are too many confusing things that i dont want to sort out now, but i will some day. i wont say i wont be sad and sentimental about it, but i do want that day to come. michael, i dont want to be like you, anything like you- on your boyish charm and your vibrant mantle- i would rather be me, and not sell out to a dream, and be faced with my own ugliness, at least see my own ugliness, so that i have to deal with it every day. i'd rather write reflectively and celebrate my own colour, my own style, my own fatalistic humanity, than to sit on a party horse as high as yours, thinking im something more than human. that bitch that you see me as, i've learned something about her too, but more importantly, i've learnt something about what the word means to you. you know, the ugliest, cheapest, scummiest kinds of humanity (by what ever definition you can throw at me)? i'm going to celebrate them too. (i dont know what im going to see in 2004, but i keep telling myself i'm going to be a better person in so many ways. ) but for now, it's phantom planet's california, coffee-scrambled nerves for breakfast, my siblings play-fighting in the corridor. there is my having to be up in three hours and a list of letters i have to write. something humming in my head: my lucky honey is a hiaku. i pray for my polaroid girl (whose name fits her no longer) and my frail little superman girl, that they will be okay. you remind me so nicely . |
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