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do you remember my frog heart? |
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Sunday, February 29, 2004 ( 11:52:00 PM ) elle's disastrous morning, one more long gone weekend. kevin says, salmonella is ella spawning, huh? michael, there are different worlds, screw off. rediscovered, dawn! you game? you remind me so nicely . Saturday, February 28, 2004 ( 11:14:00 PM ) elle's e p i t h a l a m i u m by Cyril Wong I From a disapassionate view you are merely flesh but my fingers probe razor blades under your skin II In your eyes i should have seen the headlights the imminent accident. Kissing your fingers, i glimspe your palm. A map of roads, revealing then how you were going to escape . you remind me so nicely . ( 6:56:00 PM ) elle's i got an a1 for chinese o's, even though i cried right before getting the result, i don't believe i was, what, worrying for nothing? i can't it happened, i can't believe i cried. i gave myself a star on the arm, i don't want to get into trouble. you're looking like a burn now, you're looking like people when they don't know what to say to me, when they run their fingers over the softest places, trying to keep the straightest face. people like you, you give me the finger with every breath, you're callous and harsh and drunk all the time, but i understand you and you me, you can blow smoke rings into my face while i tell you to please stop smoking. you know? we can never say we don't understand each other, because there's just nothing to understand. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, February 26, 2004 ( 10:00:00 PM ) elle's i asked kevin whether he could imagine himself being gay in the future. i have... the queerest sense of appreciation i've ever come across, but it's been mangled and subdued by the years. i don't like how it's come to conform, how i've started to become a person i cannot live with. sometime's it's queer and i like it, some times words have different meaning to me, these are the times when michelle smirks and calls everything kitch. when today she kept saying that in that tone of voice, i just wanted to tell her to shut up, shut up, aint doing nothing for you. you don't have to watch me, it's not like that, i hate being seen like one of it all, i hate it but i don't want to lash out at you because you're sincerely nice, the nicest of them i know. oh, and another paradox. i have no respect for people who don't dare to tell me off, when some times i know i deserve this. i know i feel a million times different during the moment itself, but i can't stand it some times when you can be so mindlessly alert to me, so conscious and so spectating, you keel over and worship with the spit halfway out of your mouth. as if it is a crime, to want to be your own person. i didnt fully understand the dogma95 thing, but i do want to catch one of the films some time soon. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:00:00 AM ) elle's my vision blurred, when choo spoke of death, i want to be purged off the older me. i've been happier, can't you tell? you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, February 25, 2004 ( 11:08:00 PM ) elle's i liked the dance, i liked the sensation of 2 hours straight. woohoo :) i really hope we can pull this whole thing off well. while i was dancing i thought of you and it made me miss a beat, stumble a move. please don't be there, i don't think i could do this if you were in the room. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:23:00 AM ) elle's it might be said, im not the most conservative person around. i just.. dont believe in it, or something. it doesnt matter what you're showing, for me it's always about something that will shock and provoke and evoke. uh, i wrote a letter to chew, about the formal dinner rules? because... i didnt wanna study chem. these days past kevin comes to talk to me and i'm always too busy. my handwriting has morphed again, my polaroid girl committed suicide in my mind. things i need to do in near future -work out a ss template -memorize chem stuff -busking dance? -learn my back somersault -train for 2.4 things i want to do in near future -ride bike -shop for formal night stuff -bake -drink a smoothie -push a certain junior off a cliff -busking dance i like what choo's been doing for our reflective writing, but i don't know what to put into it, i don't hand up all her work. if you know me at all and what i'm given to spilling at times like that, you would understand why i didnt hand it up. when this time it's not just the idea of handing up a flawed piece of work, it's... what do you want, exactly? while i'm afraid of being too personal, too revealing, too exclusive. while reflective is one of my favourite styles, i'm just too troublesome right now. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, February 22, 2004 ( 10:44:00 PM ) elle's bang. -i found my big daddy cd, after months, after just saying it, it appears like magic. -my library record is clean. muak to Somebody :):):) -Guy On The Bus talked to me about my sketching. he likes my handwriting, i like his radiohead tee and his papery voice; he gave me advice about my spiral staircase and waved to me as the bus pulled away. -one comic, three plays, a cookbook, and lolita. i dont have a dress and i'm distressed, and i'm probably going to make noise about this every day til i get one, anyway. -he looked me full in the face today and said that i'm starting to look like a girl again. he sounds startled, i've been in a good mood, can you tell? some times it's just so sweet of you. id like to to make myself feel better about myself, by looking through you like you look through me, just without my heart jumping in a smile and... you make me feel stupid so often, you know that? you remind me so nicely . ( 12:23:00 AM ) elle's i want my big daddy soundtrack back, it's still my favourite cd, in a silly way. um, i want to bake, too, something warm and apple. rrrrrrrwl. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, February 21, 2004 ( 11:48:00 PM ) elle's i want to hack my spine into a million pieces, i don't know what to do about the computer. i think i might just never grow up, i think i'm just about the only girl who still hasnt done shit about the formal dinner dress. i walked through rj yesterdae, and acj today, i liked the dramafest loads because it made me laugh crazy insane even though i felt so out of place. i realized today its not going to get better, maybe even at all; ive hit the end of my medication two weeks in advance, i dont even remember a time when things went on without it. i want to dance, dance til i sweat, dance til i tire, i can't put down the feeling all over again, i know things are not going to happen. i am stale of mp3s, does any body want to help me? i think i should stop screaming at you, every time i walk through the door. you should know... i hate myself for the way i am to you, when you don't deserve a single bit of it at all. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, February 19, 2004 ( 10:25:00 PM ) elle's walked through nj with mingyue. went insane just because marian told my mother that i wasnt going for training. i... should not have uncovered my wound, should not have acted like a child. i would like to say, these days there's just something about me but i know it's not going to go away. you. hahaha, you make me laugh, in a cruel way, that i want to stop. i figured it all out now, i figured out how bad you guys are for me. my juniors drove me up the wall, but it is zixipoo breaking down silently, violently, in the way she always does. i want to be alone. you remind me so nicely . ( 3:46:00 AM ) elle's i'm newly clean and newly empathetic, someone is whispering behind my ear and i've been sleeping all past evenings to stop myself from coming online. want the taste of apple pie, but i have to wait til the weekend again. ella's on a baking frenzy. i ran today, oh how i've come to suck. i realized i don't have any slack teamates, when that only extends to the trampers, who are all either in com1 or busy topping their class. drove through the old neighbourhood that day, but everything is different, they tore down my old wooden playground and replaced it with many things synthetic. ah poh's plants seem so scrawny now when they used to tower over me, either they have shrunk, or i have grown. perry i passed your house, where are your bouganvillas are gone, with the fire hydrant that i sat at with n once, he in blades, me in my barbie doll skates. do you remember my spray painted bike? the only colours we could procure were brown and silver, i rode around the circus with s and she never knew me at all. she caught my eye from her dilapitated front door but i was out of the neighbourhood by the time she was craning her neck to get a better view. do you know? my houses arent the same anymore, but my neighbour's red driveway still remains, and w's, where we played chess one hot sunny afternoon when he'd broken his arm. there are just so many things you remember from a place you once were part of, you know? i wish i'd stopped to say hi to s, because she's always been nice to me, she used to ride her bike with me in the middle of the night. and how about angeline, who talked in her sleep? and d, who hated me ever since i stepped on her arm, like a, who came over once to get sprayed head to toe with my garden hose. i think about how i meant to keep you and.... just seems such a ludicrious notion, sometimes. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, February 15, 2004 ( 10:48:00 PM ) elle's in a breath! this weekend was grease the musical, with red house cheerleaders dancing in my head and cousins pint-sized yelling surround sound throughout; the camp talk was a little lame, the dress shopping was a little futile, but we had fun in the dressing room with murphey's law and a stupid 605 :) i have a new top that i probably shouldnt have, i have a gash on my index from when i tried to cut off my finger; you know how they say blood is sweet, then metallic? i... still am awed by baz luhrmann's harmoniously flamboyant crafting, still feeling fat from v day chocolates, am yet to do any homework of sorts or finish eating the apple pie (which is GOOD) that i just baked :) i gave muffins for v day, which I MADE MYSELF, and not from instamix too, which xinyi said tasted salty, which mich fong ever so rudely refused, which ma and i stayed up til 2 am to do; i want to go dress shopping again, i want to go to the tiny borders sale and That CD Shop to listen to a lot of music. it's late, i'm sleepy, i'm not to wear pastels ever again. maybe i should come online never again for a long long time, you think? you remind me so nicely . Friday, February 13, 2004 ( 10:30:00 PM ) elle's she writes five poems in a row narration-descritiptives at a rate of fify five there's some accomplishment to putting it down like, tossing sugar cubes into the sea or knotting bellies into sevens and nines here she stands holding her plastic gun you remind me so nicely . Thursday, February 12, 2004 ( 10:15:00 PM ) elle's i'm tired and another defeated junkie, it felt lousy today. i'm starved for weekend. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, February 10, 2004 ( 10:54:00 PM ) elle's elvis calvin and hobbes ding on the phone black black tea (tests tomorrow) (v day on saturday) bouncy-scary trampoline white stripes circus template beatles, softly sketches of feet, my own ear infections and eye infections static electricity no phone til march hello sam hello xinyi hello ding hello liberation humanities scholarship superman girl looking all composed tea, daddy's p-r-o-c-r-a-s-t-i-n-a-t-i-o-n pinkie promise with deline soh in less time that it takes to fall- elvis black tea pale tea cyril wong's poetry and i'm the king of the castle. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:51:00 PM ) elle's he's going away. she said, he said. this my stony oh, while once looking in your eyes would have made me giggle. wrote 9 lines about you today. 9. 9 lines. im falling out while it was once risque, standing up, shaking myself off and dancing in the surf. it still felt odd little, then, but now i know it for sure. guess who gave me another calvin and hobbes comic? :) you remind me so nicely . Monday, February 09, 2004 ( 10:36:00 PM ) elle's i ran into her on the stairs today and she gave me a vacant look, but one that made me want smile and brush my hand against hers. he approached me with a needle, i wound down the windows and yelled maroon five into the neighbourhood. dont you know? i'm your oldest, oldest friend in the whole world. i miss that sometimes, while if i gave it a shot now all i'd get would be maybe, busted knuckles, a bloody nose. the masochist in me still likes a good round now and then. it's been a long time since we've talked like this. i dont want it to go away, but i know one of us will, sooner or later. be back soon, will you? you're too cute, some times. don't forget me where you're going, invite me to your wedding, okay? so i can look at the girl you'll love, so i can tell her to take good care of you all your life :) you remind me so nicely . Sunday, February 08, 2004 ( 9:22:00 PM ) elle's stupid girl. you'd think, all these times would make me into a person a little less weak, yes? it's like, i dont know. maybe nice and everything to do with it gives me rash, you think? you remind me so nicely . ( 5:09:00 PM ) elle's i just feel, a bit too defeated right now, a bit too i know i could have had more self-control. i wish i hadn't done that, but i'd never have been willing to beg. i wasnt all that angry when i walked off, i just wanted to bring myself somewhere so that i wouldnt be able to yell, wouldnt be able to snap, wouldnt be able to break down in front of you. i know you'd never have guessed, but you were about to snap me between your hands, within your glare, writhing and twisted, that's where i stood, by the way. it made me feel better then, you know? full and free and on my own. i liked the illusion that i'd be able to get on by myself. and you. one day, i'll do a you, and then you'll be wondering why the hell you were so fond of me before. i just want you to know that i'm sick of swallowing shit, i just want you to know that i'm angry and venting it on everybody else. right now. and i've kept mine bubbling under. you remind me so nicely . ( 4:52:00 PM ) elle's of course, you're the one in control. just plain upset, in no way tragic or wrong or brutal or terrified. just want a go at you with a knife. you remind me so nicely . Friday, February 06, 2004 ( 11:57:00 PM ) elle's christopher: you use your uniform to store potatoes? hee. HEE! :) you remind me so nicely . ( 11:22:00 PM ) elle's (candy says:) 
Introverted (I) 61.11% Extroverted (E) 38.89% Intuitive (N) 62.5% Sensing (S) 37.5% Feeling (F) 65.71% Thinking (T) 34.29% Perceiving (P) 64.71% Judging (J) 35.29%
i'm gonna watch the bluebirds fly over my shoulder i'm gonna watch them pass me by maybe when i'm older what do you think i'd see if i could walk away from here? you remind me so nicely . ( 10:43:00 PM ) elle's enter the halcyon days, i blush at the whole notion of sweet sixteen. the presents i've gotten are smiled over, i know it don't show it, but it's just a tradition. thank you? i'm made happy, really. i realize, i only write when i'm feeling selfish, i don't know how to correct this picture of me in your mind. i wanted to kill my juniors today, and they said that anybody looking at me could tell. traced a star brown like henna on my wrist during my practical, the way kuo barked and made me turn over my arms to let him see it gave me the feeling that he was expecting something more macabre, something so old-school disturbing that as a teacher he'd probably find... what? tired, done and done before. i have some distant memory, something about the school always knowing when we did things. did lizzie go to macdonald's after school today? did somebody run away from home again? does your daughter smoke, cut, show signs of depression? khin said then, somehow the school always knows. i liked my cheap thrill alot, but it was gone after i sweated it out in training. i listen to hurt, but not loud like and all-consuming like it used to be, i'm proud again of how clean my arms have been. today i thought of you and took a second glance. i don't think i'm ever going to talk to you again, am i? you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, February 04, 2004 ( 11:44:00 PM ) elle's you're faded, though, i have to rub my fingertips over your memory to see you clear again. even then, i'm still distracted; dear why don't you see me anymore? you remind me so nicely . ( 11:09:00 PM ) elle's i burnt my palms on wax today, i've kind of forgotten how good it feels; in ways i'd like not to think about, watching my skin swell up red for a while. gail says: something about Girl being Charged with Arson. remember this face, remember my name. all the time it makes me sick; well if you're going to be so sincere about it i can't believe you had me to do with it you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, February 03, 2004 ( 9:51:00 PM ) elle's i want to shift, i want some self discipline. i want the holidays to come too, i want to stop cornifying things, i want to write a good twelve-liner about her hair (the kind i imagine i might never see on anyone else) and the look in her eye. and instead of doing work i'm happy just reading a calvin and hobbes comic, the one that shaoning tricked me into choosing myself. liked the kranji war memorial, because it was like an exceptionally calm patch of pure blue sky, in a disquieting blend of blacks and blues. smith is even placid but sweetly laughable, it's funny, that. i told gail today that the sixth of february is my favourite day in the entire year; don't ask me why, but elvis is in my head, and i never do know what to say to anyone about my birthday. you remind me so nicely . Monday, February 02, 2004 ( 8:28:00 PM ) elle's saw him smirking on the bus. he sat next to me and i had to make a maddening sort of small conversation. school? partying? boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever-you-want? you make me mad sometimes, cal, for no reason at all, i'm always sorry for my nerves after that. i keep saying, i am going to be a nicer person, you know? sometimes i look at you and feel so sorry sorry sorry about myself. but otherwise, nicholas nickleby was a little flawed but good, shaoning and co got me a calvin and hobbes comic for my birthday :) new trampoline! i'm going to go jump on it tomorrow. you remind me so nicely . ( 7:54:00 PM ) elle's you don't feel and you don't care; i've stopped feeling anything good about you, anything other than anger, disgust, complete and all-defying loathe. just so you know, ten years down the road when maybe you'll start realizing what i've felt about you all this while, that i've been keeping score my dear, and it's something i can't help, can't be bothered to help, because you've stopped meaning anything to me at all. i'm sick of the way you preen. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:01:00 PM ) elle's i want you far away from me, i want you to hurt. why is this always my hangover from you? you remind me so nicely . Sunday, February 01, 2004 ( 6:46:00 PM ) elle's liked lost in translation, want to watch it again. i like the way sofia coppola works, there's something about the whole clipped reel feel of it all that made me go home, dig up my virgin suicides, and read it all over again. want to go to the library, take a good course, shop for a formal night dress. want to watch magnolia, and requiem for a dream too. you should know... there's nothing i guard more fiercely than my time alone, some times, a lot of the times. i tried to imagine it being what it looked like but i couldnt, not without laughing, not without feeling like i should be taking a couple of showers and trying to rub you off my skin. when she told me what she did over the phone, the thought just made me sick and self-confused. i am just that sort of pane window kind of girl, sometimes. you remind me so nicely . |
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