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do you remember my frog heart? |
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Thursday, April 29, 2004 ( 10:38:00 PM ) elle's thinking. thinking about christl, and laughing. im sorry christl! because i feel like i made you try, and that sucks of me, though im really glad you had to fall when the coaches were around and not otherwise. because im laughing my head off remembering it, because me and meiying were the only ones laughing like crazy insane last now so freaking insensitive maybe, but what the shit. i laughed til i cried and my stomach ached, because you came out from the boombangcrash so dang fast and grinning like a christl, but an ow-ow-shit-shit-did-wang-see-me-lets-plaster-nice-big-fat-smile-on-face-just-in-case type christl, im sorry because it was hilarious and i was thinking wah not pain ar especially since you hit the fire extinguisher and the wall and the weighing machine amongst who knows what else, so hard that the hook for the fire extinguisher is bent out of shape now, it sounded like you'd have crashed clean through the damn floor like FREAK scary. im so sorry? because you couldnt move your arm after that and we were trying to pry it into consciousness and all of a sudden wang's voice rang out from the other side of the gym and then suddenly MIRACLE! power of wang! oh grief it was priceless, and i feel bad because i should be asking if you're okay, i should be biting my lip and saying im sorry and meaning it, i do, really, but the great majority of me just wants to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. and i think meiying is the only one who sees it like me about how unbearable funny this is, and i am trying i am trying to stop it, thinking what if you need therapy? what if you cant move arm tomorrow? what if you never bend your head again and its my fault? piling on the worst-case-scenarios, but every time i stop laughing it is because i am trying, and my eyes are filled with hysterical tears and i just want to die die die die die. christl i hope you're okay :D:D:D:D:D:DD:D:D you remind me so nicely . ( 8:47:00 PM ) elle's hello you. so very beautiful a sky. the kind of rain that falls on your palms and then everywhere else, rain falling through the glowing beams of head-light, street-lamp. snowing like elsie said. how it hasnt rained for the longest time, not like this, never such a release. ages. gee i keep thinking about that beautiful sky, how i walked thru the track instead of the school, because i wanted to be under it. the swing, with the wind tempermental in your face, the grass is beautiful, everything is beautiful in this light. how my junior thinks im crazy now, how my brother was so determined to be anal. how the good music has dug a hole and buried itself in the ground, shot itself smiling in the foot. christl, backwards flip flying off the trampoline last now, scared, it's like i told her to, but she saved the day again Hee Hee Hee. how these things grate up and down your nerves, how i laughed til i cried, i couldnt help it. babble-tower, carefully caffeinated. who isn't pissed after training in the rain. black and orange and dancers. the poem that i've been assigned, that at first glace i can hardly understand, but that i can, almost clearly, etched out into my mind. like things i might say. seats shuffled, but not me, im the anchor of the class, have been since the beginning of time. because... i pinkie promised. and oh. too much blabber-blabber-blabber. hello you. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, April 28, 2004 ( 6:28:00 PM ) elle's i drank milk today, cool and acrid and the whitest shade of pale. when i tipped it from the carton it ran off and all over my fingers, down the front of my dress. i can't say it, i really can't. i can't say it because of how you are going to react, how things fall into perspective for you. i can't say it, because it feels like i dont have the words to properly describe, because i want to do justice, to myself. can't say it, because it is familiar and it is foreboding, because i cannot tell, whether i want it or not. it fills my lungs and it feels like bursting or the verge of it, i want to ramble and find it out, but i can not, because i dont want you to misunderstand, think i want to be helped. i dont want to be helped. i just need to go on and on, for hours. it is okay because i say it is okay. you remind me so nicely . Monday, April 26, 2004 ( 8:36:00 PM ) elle's i'm back, feeling antisocial, feeling like a kid. i think, i want to go to australia, because the best of my time was spent wandering around the flea market, talking to the hippies who made boxes out of rubbish, beautiful, beautiful things. matchbox twenty, going for five amidst the handfull of rubbish that he must have scooped from, maybe a bin? colourful cloth strips that she doesnt have any more of, but she'll be making more this afternoon. other things too, like the street juggler who said the most scathingly witty things, the video with the girls in synchronised swimming, black stockinged and yearning. and far from the consumerism, i just kept thinking what the hell, you never get this kind of aid lib back home. oh yeah, i went to australia, by the way. officially to watch my sister's convocation, which was itself the most boring detail of my four days. gee it sounded so frivolous to my own ears, i dont have much to tell because i hadnt been a tourist there, well, that's a lie, isnt it? i felt... six years too young, because i wore sneakers, hung around with mich's boozing smoking post-college crowd more than anything else. on the backseat of tom's car while we were cruising thru the seats with the windows wound down, how it was maddening, and insane, and sad too, in a lot of ways. the party she took me to, where i grinned at them when they asked whether i was old enough to drink. she said it was more an accessory, to keep them all out of your personal space. i want to stay this young, forever, children waiting for the day when they're allowed to feel good. because sixteen is a funny age, a satuday, versus a sunday. i felt so so rude, too. because they hug and press cheek to cheek in greeting, i tried to think of my parents like that, my father, actually being pleasant. my sister, and her peace doughnut. while her world scared me shitless a lot of the time, she's my darling sister and i'm going to miss her. on the plane home i watched a funky french and hindu movies, til the plane lurched and i prayed for peace, and it was the most all encompassing prayer for a long time. thought about being there in australia, how i would make me. and how naive, and how unfamiliar, and how intrigued at the same time. it's just stylistics, then alternative. outspoken, individualistic, at first i can imagine, and then i can't. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, April 20, 2004 ( 10:59:00 PM ) elle's what did you do this time, Princess? take it, face value, take it. you remind me so nicely . ( 8:54:00 PM ) elle's i am picking mp3s, i am full of track-and-field sand. i dont know whether it will be good to see her, or not. i just said it. said, im packing, running away from home. will you come with me? no really, because i want to spend some time alone, and this is the only time i could do it. i want to wander the streets in any season, but i want to be able to call you up to come and keep me company. do you understand me at all? i guess it's just a matter of the best misfit there is. there it is, i know i can feel like an alien, and it will feel okay. unlike this place, where things just come crashing down. like clouds displaced, the sky a different colour. what i am trying things on for size for, i don't even know. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, April 18, 2004 ( 10:32:00 PM ) elle's the notion that you're somewhere alien and unreachable, that is my entire basis. i concentrate on you, really hard. one by one. it's like a game, but it's real, but it's not. how much it isnt, i would like to tell. i wonder if you think of me at all. you remind me so nicely . ( 8:34:00 PM ) elle's you are all people, i am coming to realize. i used to say the things dawn must say, now. today jeannette said: dogmatic. i want to visit another church. you remind me so nicely . ( 12:37:00 AM ) elle's i liked the scene where they leapt about brandishing torches. wished i had been alone in the theatre, and they were performing to me. screwed up my back somer, did ten rounds and failed to chuai. screwed up my chords too, for yf, and linus had to fill in the intros for me. there's this one chord he plays on that guitar that sounds so incredible good. for ten seconds during rehearsal i felt the kind of rush, while dennis and linus strummed so fervently and i pounded til the whole keyboard shook, it felt like we were really playing. they drowned out all my mistakes, and i drowned out the rest of myself. i want that, by the way. you dont think anymore, you are part of a sound, a chord, a reverb. your friends are all so mistakable, so forgettable. i can't shake that feeling, who knows if i want to. not me. i was so close, you know? you try to leave, but they offer candy. almost almost there. i should have gone down to the ocean with you. i was thinking about it all of a sudden, how i was scared and you were harmless, absolutely. keep thinking about the crashing of the waves, how it felt like the end and the beginning of the world all at the same time. while i stood there i just kept thinking, it's beautiful, so amazingly beautiful, it's beautiful beautiful beautiful. if i hadnt been afraid, so much more. wish id gone down with you, then i wouldnt have been. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, April 14, 2004 ( 10:22:00 PM ) elle's boo. you'll fall off a wall, break your neck, i'll come to see you in the hospital. i'll bring flowers. we'll not know what to say at first, and things will be awkward, but slowly everything will change, and it is almost like old times. we will laugh about inside jokes, touch hands, fingertips. talk about the future, but first you have to fall off your wall. you remind me so nicely . ( 9:25:00 PM ) elle's im sorry, sorry i was never there when you needed me, even if you might say it was all so inconsequential. but if i know you, i know what you do. these days, you are good for these much. im sorry too, that i didnt-dont care about sports day, about the 4x1, because im the pe rep and this is very much so unprescribed, because shuhan wanted to win so bad, because i did try but in my mind i see clare and siyou and trackersX10000000, and i laugh in my mind at the prospect of even being amidst so many spiked feet. but it feels like i should have at least been glum with her, or something. and shaoning sounds like she is going to explode and/or implode, and i feel worried for her, please un-stress yourself, at least some, yes, no, maybe? and shit, because im just ten seconds safe for a 2.4's a, because work is up and midyears are too close for comfort, because im to play for yf again on saturday and my time is up in a puff of smoke. the library felt like heaven today, because this heat stroke melted my chocolate to mush, somebody started singing where is my mind where is my mind where is my mind over and over again, like she were trapped, or buried, in a cage at the bottom of the sea. it is like you, in those shots. you would never have done it if you'd thought it unappetizing. just like her, when her jokes and jests are all cleverly self-praise. and i dont understand why you feel some need to snap at me, you've never been so unquestionable, not really. i didnt write about you after all, i didnt want to be another black bart. for all i dont know anymore, i dont feel the need to be... nevermind. i am other things i know, but i wish you wouldnt do this. and every time i think of coldplay's yellow, i think of khin. yeah, you remember, dont you. i listen to brick a million times, and imagine all the different things you might be. i like songs like that, rolling chords and ambiguity. its the feeling that covers you all over, light the way sleep is light. placebo on herbal tea, guns and roses but only accoustic. i want that kind of lightness, like steph's beautiful hair, the way you'd sail off a board and into the ocean. i really liked that, watching that, flying like that, in the longest time. i dont want to feel like somebody is controlling me. it feels like monday but it's not. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, April 11, 2004 ( 10:48:00 PM ) elle's he was acting cool/ not caring today. which almost worked, except for the involuntary spin of the racket, the little twin that looked like a kid. who cares, not me. you and your rigmarole. hello hypochondriac, how are you? starting pilates. want to vist a furniture dumpyard one of these days, a thief's market, as they say. They, say. i dont think about who decides, exactly. let me pick you apart, just for the fun of if. you're so ever offended, so magnanimously defensive. spasmodic tatter-fire. i sing this song when i think about you. and you, and You. some days you want to hold someone, but they're halfway across the ocean, or seemingly twice as far. you could be on the different poles, on the moon or on mars, for all i know. and this is incredible, but im not obsessed. sheesh to all of you too. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, April 10, 2004 ( 11:49:00 PM ) elle's i. i dont think you're up for it. you. you should know too, it's none of my business, i only talk like i know things. you should know. delia said worship went well. i dont like that piano at all. hai. what am i after. ian writes nice emails, i like replying them. there are things at the esplanade that i want to see, want to be in the theatre studio again. post modernism. i would pay twenty five bucks for two hours of sensation. and i keep thinking.. that wasnt what i meant at all. you know these days i keep thinking about how i used to say, maybe hit me on the head with a baseball bat, every time i start to get like this. was i talking like this? or something else, someone else. i. i dont want to do much more now. i want to sleep, really want to sleep. there's nothing that feels better, these days. not the tram and not lit and not music. not poetry, there's nothing poetic about being asleep, usually. everything is so arduous, you think. ill find out from you, again. tomorrow, goodnight. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, April 08, 2004 ( 9:23:00 PM ) elle's filler: i want to go out tomorrow. i dont want to stay here. i want to watch kill bill finally, a million other things too. i want to train goodgrief, because i learnt my houkong properly today and i dont want to lose it, because wang was in a good mood and made me stand facing the wall thinking over my houkong and the ganjue of it all, because i really want you to stay. i want to learn the nanzhongquan properly, because i dont want to screw up and embarass myself, when she who pons mass dance gets put into the first row. going over the steps with lois makes me think of taekwondo, that i miss finally now, because the belts mean nothing. i want to fight, to feel powerful, to get whacked up too, once in a while. three rounds added up to 13 minutes, when she walked past i could smell the soap and the clean and the everything pristine, pristine white. kristine. that's what the word reminds me of, thought the implications make me laugh without good reason. tomorrow is a Good Friday and i should be thinking about God, i should be more than half-hearted. i don't know how to make myself, when ive come to the suspicion that all doctrine is human and therefore inevitably flawed. i am not the sort who wants to lead and be the one to say things, i am the sort who wants to sit behind the piano looking invisible, though im just oh-so-excited. he said i looked sian, the last time i played, choo said something about how some people just dont like the notion of dramatics when you're talking, i liked that, because its everything i feel and couldnt finger, for the while. i dont like oral, the passages they give you, like something out of primary school compositions, as gail says. i used to wonder if this was lonely, then i think about pam and her endless cats, sy in One Hour Photograph. really, good, show. when marian spoke last now i wanted to listen, but i felt obliged to talk to the rest of the world, because frippery is an acquired taste, but i dont want to give in. it's the same way i dont know them anymore, and its sad, sad sad sad. its my delayed sentiment, its the faraway barricades that i can only see from over my shoulder. maybe. if i walked backwards. passerbys would say, arent you strange, they say that to me all the time. i dont think im strange, i think im eleanor. my name is eleanor, i know i never told you that. i dont want to wonder so much, but its these lengthy and unreal parentheses of time, time that i dont know what to do with, well not really, but time that i would rather pass really, this way. well not really. liz said something that is sticky sticking to my mind, but i can't remember. really can't remember. i want to bake, i want to talk to somebody. somebody who isnt afraid, somebody like that. i want to fly off a swing and into the sky, i wont compromise my wanting to be a maverick. is it just me? please tell me, most of the time, aesthetics get in the way. you should know me, you should know my name. well i promised id do this tonight. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, April 07, 2004 ( 11:07:00 PM ) elle's longest time. please hold me, or go away. i cried during pe before nicole ong had a chance to scold me. to hell with pms, a ten second bad day. she calls me ellie, like someone i used to be. as if i have any idea. i stack my cards up against yours. fuck you, because i've never seen someone so damn proud of being an ahbeng, because she didnt deserve that like so many times people dont deserve the shit that you give them. you're proud of this i know, you recycle jokes and ha-ha-ha. of course i'll buy a voodoo doll with the word asshole on it, and everyone will know who i am talking about. want to drown quietly, while you dream of viscid lakes. im dreaming of sleep, of crawling on my belly to a place far away. goodnight. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, April 06, 2004 ( 11:13:00 PM ) elle's i am sorry that i offended you, i am sorry that you got the entirely wrong idea. sorry sorry sorry, nothing much any more. a man's careful voice on the radio, talking about cutting, talking about burning, with cigarettes, with acid. the link therein, with sexual abuse, alientation and neglect. he says, cutters are apposite about understanding themselves; it's queer but i dont dare laugh, i dont think we all qualify. its like a trend, she used to say, the latest bandwagon, but too the easiest excuse. 9 songs on saturday, a keyboard or a read piano, exactly? all plain, all smooth, i might live if it takes all i've got. it takes all the money i've got, repaying your one dime. i liked how we would have the familiar games of children between us, signals and secret signs that nobody else would understand. i miss being a child, really being a child. there is no one i know more grown then you, now, there is no one i know who has been more singleminded about hitchiking their way out of here. i want to get into b for maths, though i am seen in c, this is something i want to be helped by. talking like this, so often like this, because i hardly ever feel like that, save the past few days, this is another relapse after which i will sound lucid like i cannot imagine, right now. if you have any idea which is the real me, please let me know. i want you to feel tired. these are my watercolours, these are my finger-painting kits. try me, just give me a try. you remind me so nicely . Monday, April 05, 2004 ( 10:11:00 PM ) elle's i feel. really really stupid. not because, just because. i think im disorganized because im forgetful, because im scatterbrained, because once upon a time people called me brainless and i was so offended, these days i just think hey honey where were your thoughts where you just left them? these days... thinking too hard gives me headaches, maths ought come with asprin and ten minute breaks every five. im stupid, and i really believe that, whether or not i am in gep, whether or not i can beat you in class. things like wandering out on the street in pitch night, will kill me, someday, swift as a fender imbued on your backbone. not cardiac arrest, or the generous host of cancers. my brother. doenst understand metaphors. what, who says it will get thrown away? take it, face value, take it. im out of here, with some sort of need for understanding, with my thick, black book, my litre of bubble juice, sweet, wispy like cigarette smoke, acrid like taste butts. emails are easier, mucho so. roll over, play dead, but dont forget to breathe, yes? i am starting from one, working my way down to zed. her bills are crisp, crisp like celery, the fruit juice and the vegetables not all my life. comes Good Friday, bad saturday, a weekend too short. fridays are my favourites, the yawning nothingness ahead. want sleeps, lots of sleeps, tied with a ribbon and all for me ! you remind me so nicely . Sunday, April 04, 2004 ( 11:25:00 PM ) elle's marry me, kermit! you remind me so nicely . ( 11:02:00 PM ) elle's i liked talking like that, slumped down low in or seats on endless bus rides goodness knows where. i like lapses that dont sound painful, uninvited. i like being invited, being accepted, and not, i liked the jelly in the drinks and that one corner of your birthday party that still feels just so lost. stay the weekend, when you dont feel the need to cough out or smile, in these crowds i could some times feel so overwhelmingly sad, so endlessly out of place, when i linger at your elbows like a puppy, a lost trinket that has none of its old flavour and charm. but i would have liked to have been truly invisible, to have dared to linger at the edge of the crowd, watching, waiting. i played my old and frivolous game, today, and it was wicked, to see him there. cheap thrills, chocolate cake, hot showers get me through these kind of days. hi. i would like to know how you play like that. you, or the form at the piano in garbage, the droning and tolling ghost of a sound. you remind me of a homophobe. i know you're scared of me, i know i scare you. it makes me feel better to laugh at you the same way you laugh at me. boy you should know, im scared of you too. im not sad, today, but the entire experience was like a string pulled tight over wide and empty spaces. tomorrow is another vicous cycle, i am tired already, i wont want another shower to take all that smoke out of my hair. sparklers and primary school tricks, i just think about how carefree you are and it is enough to make me jealous already. i don't want to hear it, because i am tired, am different, and don't really care, at the end of the day. when i want in on your world, i promise i will give you a call. something obvious, the way it is done, the only way you would understand. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:05:00 AM ) elle's i felt. very irreverant, on the way home. post-high, post-fun. hannkhee is a fun sort to sit next to during these things and giggle shit with, but christl slid down the bannister with me and presented jean with a/our cactus. fong yells! loud, and embarassingly, and impulsive like anything. i loved mucking it all up, because This Isn't My School, and i can't get into trouble for anything, not even perching myself on the bannister or disrupting their school song, among other things. i like feeling so free and so uninhibited, so very engulfed in Wreckless Abandon. things are made a lot easier when you can laugh at it, you know? when you can laugh at yourself, and take that much from all directions. i want to get there, maybe. some days i look at the kind of person that you are, im jealous for not being like you, while once i was the one who had it all in your eyes. i don't understand these things these days, but nothing really matters anymore. the art exhibit was interesting, tiring, flat the way yearning plains are flat. i prefer the kind of art that jumps out at you, 3d, or moving. maybe, please tell me now, because i think i deserve to know. there is only the first step, and the entire course, run to its end, here, no half-way houses for me. what i can't stand is your fooling a second and the next pretending that this is wholly real. please, tell me which side to cleave to, which person here is being authentic. i really believe that, now. right now, right this very instant. things change with me, so very swiftly, please hold for the next vicious cycle. school is a bore to me, because i don't see eye to eye and i dont see why i ought give myself up, because there is nothing there that i could live for. save gym? he must have been in a good mood today, he never even bothered to yell at me properly. plays, i want to watch. sam turns 21. you remind me so nicely . Thursday, April 01, 2004 ( 11:38:00 PM ) elle's you. i remember you, now, casual and irreverant. i remember b52s downed to dance music, me on the couch with a faceless frame, you behind that panel, watching. would you remember me. i remember you dark dark skin, the kind of skin that has cleaved to the sun, the kind of smile that comes from days of light-heartedness. you, you were so mundanely exciting, such a background actor, it was your silence that caught me, thrilled me, kept me. and it was the way you watched me, far far away from the big names and self-proclaimed pretty boys, with white-milk skin under gucci shirts, shell bracelets and polished shoes, the surfers with no tan. you held my hands, but it was more your witty one liners, your shameless come-ons, your no strings frivolity. you should know, that while i watched him from the corner of my eye, curious for eyecandy, you were the one who made me feel hungry, hungered after. will you stay with me, will you be my love among the fields of barley you can tell the sun in his jealous sky as you lie in fields of gold you remind me so nicely . ( 8:31:00 PM ) elle's i wish school taught us something interesting, something that stretched you or bent you in directions. kevin tells me about these things, i am so endlessly jealous. but hey, don't glance at me like that, don't fall for my pretences like i do my own. this is blood and democracy, this is far from still life. sometime i think you're the one who's crazy, so crazily obsessed with life. and all its pretty laces, all its enchanted castles. you're not allowed to be six years old for your entire life, or are you? is this something that will only apply to you? what weeleng said, was don't be so frustrated lah baby, her maudlin croon, while zixi laced her fingers with mine. its been a long time since i've been so frustrated over cca. there are too many things to remember, jian wang hou and la shou and xi jiao and xiang qi tiao. i haven't properly dared, today, and fuck for crying, fuck for giving it in. fuck for that old man, too, even though i don't get the worst of shit, from him, even though i deserve the things he says. i hate how i am harsh on my juniors, often. i hate how i am a harsh person. all said and done, you will never cease to remind me of her. i looked down the line today and maybe i am starting to forget. it is just those careless notions, when these thoughts trespass into my head. you dont like to be stoned, cold. i didnt think margaret atwood was any good til a quarter into the book. it is this kind of writing style, the one-word descriptions that you take for granted to understand, words as snap shots, sentiment that you pool together between your fingers. in throwing things together, impressive, but often haphazard, ill-concise. but i like it, half-ways around, i hate my awful memory, my back pedalling grasp of the language. while it used to coem so easy before, things have lost their touch and their flow. the entries vocabulary bank slowly fade, because things slip through my mind like grains in a sieve. my mind is going, at sweet sixteen. i don't know what to think of you anymore. you're filled with impulse, with fleeting emotions. it seems, everything is fleeting with you. i don't know what to think, i don't like to think about people any more these days. what there is is what they are going to demand, a softer point of view, a harsher self-absorption. i think you deserve a hug today. i wrap my arms around your leg, it is the only thing in reach, right now. you've always seemed like this, solid, unrelenting. and i want to hear what everybody did, for april fool's day :) you remind me so nicely . |
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