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do you remember my frog heart? |
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Saturday, October 23, 2004 ( 8:48:00 PM ) elle's hello,howcanyoubesosureofwhere iamgoing,howcanyoubesocon vincedthatiwillbetheon etocrash? you remind me so nicely . Friday, October 22, 2004 ( 5:22:00 PM ) elle's it takes, three minutes for me to get the computer on and myself logged in, longer than the time it takes for everything i wanted to say to flow through my mind. i am just frivolous, because you are a good-looker. though it's not love, it means something rj stank, and im 80% sold on hc, hello i have been utterly brainwashed or i am a bona fide Nanyang Girl. somebody stole my shoes! angry-slash-sad, that someone is going to get away with it. ella what do you want to do your entire life? to me, graduation means you cant get into trouble anymore, and a lot of other people getting sentimental. i think grad night might change things, because we're booked solid to have a good time. at the rate at which im not-studying for o's, i might just end up in vj after all. somebody please say things to make me want to study, sit me down with a cane or a gun to my head, it is only when i worry when i do well. complacency settles in, i dont want to get kicked out of hc, if and when i eventually decide to go into it. sometimes i feel, sad and noble, at the idea that my skills are unmarketable. you remind me so nicely . Monday, October 18, 2004 ( 9:15:00 PM ) elle's im shifting, but not yet, should i make you ask me for my new url? hello im graduating, why arent you happy for me? you're like a lost spirit that hasnt been beckoned into the afterworld, you linger with me when i want it or dont, i cant find a will to banish your memory to where it belongs. do you know that feeling, when you feel yourself slipping into a bad dream, and you force yourself to wake up? i was telling shufen about my induced sensations today, sometimes i wonder if there are things that are only particular to me, or at least, only particular to the kind of people who might go looking for them. i know you've never stopped believing that other people thought i was the best thing since sliced bread. i would like to say i can transcend cliques and environment, but i suppose saying something like that is never completely true. sometimes i dont know if im right or wrong to have been thinking that you could have been honest to me. you know i wouldnt given a shit about you if id known from the start that you were going to. whatever. but i dont like you when you're trying to impress. have been listening to white stripes, today's score is: vj 3, rj 0. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, October 16, 2004 ( 7:08:00 PM ) elle's im aching for my shoes to come in. i refuse to wash my schoolies just for five seconds onstage during grad ceremony, or for the three more days of school that i have. saw ol people at the vj open house, i should probably be getting used to this. maro looks like exactly the same person, just a million times less saccharine. lynnette looks exactly the same and like somebody the me of now would actually talk to. ten seconds talking to jocelyn reminds me of primary school floorball, an afternoon of playing with coins on her cold tile floor. and im wondering what itd be like to suddenly find myself in their world again. would it be okay to say, i want to stop digging up the person i used to be, i just want simple relationships and honest people? i wish i werent scared to death of lizards and frogs, because i think they're awful pretty. have discovered a very good reason to go to esplanade to study, all except for productivity. of course ive been psychoed by vj, my choice of a jc might just come down to a incidental coin-toss. i have discovered that you like to sound fun, even if you're not having it. sometimes i feel for you at the same time im thinking how boy im glad i am not you. people who's advice i would like: -ms choo and humanities teachers -anyone who knows anything about vj tsd -people in rj who are intelligent, contrary to common belief this is not a given -anti-schoolers in both schools -someone who knows something about university prospects afther tsd -my sister alot of the time when i say things, you give me this certain look, i have to assure you that im perfectly serious. you remind me so nicely . ( 1:50:00 AM ) elle's xinhui offered to help me start typing my uwc essay today, i am still pleasantly disbelieving that someone can be so nice. after looking at the uwc website i realize how completely textbook the issues that i care about have come out sounding, even though i have done my absolute to be obvious and honest about it. and meiying wants to be a director too, hurhur my junior stole my dream vocation. it's strange because even though i have been largely anti-politics for the greater part of my life, i have been coming to a realization that it is a field that im half-likely to end up in. and i know better than to talk to you when you're all set on thinking like you rule the world. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, October 13, 2004 ( 11:56:00 PM ) elle's stupid cannot study, stupid went shopping but stupid chased all over orchard for the skycaptain poster with success! and had interesting conversation with sweet faced guy over the phone and over counter about said movie poster, hurhur. joliefan! i forsee myself screwing up my olevels, i feel both sheepish and indignant because i have every right to worry my ass off. you remind me so nicely . Tuesday, October 12, 2004 ( 10:35:00 PM ) elle's things i owe people after the o's -hoonie's shanghai photos -evita soundtrack to alina -gradnight photos to everybody i think everybody knows what it is like to feel you are not good or good enough at anything. i miss my silverchair muchlymuchly, i like his face pursed and questioning on the cd jacket in the store, but inversely it looks like their earlier work was disappointment. i am reaching a musical starvation, my mp3 list promises pure frustration. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, October 10, 2004 ( 5:39:00 PM ) elle's system shut-down on me around two-o-clock, graduation is pending but hasnt bowled me over as yet. you know i never talk about how i feel. i need to get out of the house to get my studying done, i need to do my work laced with caffeine and far away from a place to lay my head. ella please stop falling asleep. ran into cuishan at the club, and she said something that struck me as a million times more intelligent than i remember her. im sorry because im so self-convinced and at the same time so self-deprecating, i wish i could just ball up that part of me up and throw it out the window. i want to be able to talk to someone. sometimes i think some things are only apparent to me, and then some, not at all. i think i sleep to get away from thinking, living. i should probably try to be less mean, a lot of the time i say things just for the sake of saying them, a lot of the time i dont know how much the things i say are going to tell people. and then five months down the road they come back to haunt me again, obviously i am my own undoing. would you kill me, at that moment if and when i say to you, i dont care about a humanities scholarship, i dont care about the illustrous rafflesians, i dont care about sudden convenience. i just want to study theatre. would you kill me, for taking one more step towards being a full-fledged idealist, would you kill me, for not being sorry, for being completely irrational, for reeling in everything taken-for-granted? it's not that i dont think about bread and butter issues, there's an internal battle going on within me all the time. but i do care about the humanities scholarship. i ran for half an hour and then gave up, how nice it might be for grad night to be the most pressing issue on my mind. i exchanged numbers with two different people in two different scenarios in the span on 24 hours, is this conspiracy theory, because this is something i hardly do, all those niceties, let's exchange numbers then i'll tell you about it. i am willing to bet money that you arent going to call me back. sometimes i wonder if i am really crazy, or if i just think im crazy, or it i just think that people think im crazy. please dont fluff me, because im feeling alright. i need to find less excuses to stop my work. sometimes i think sticking a needle up my arm might make you a little less complicated. you remind me so nicely . Saturday, October 09, 2004 ( 9:04:00 PM ) elle's i dont keep a guestbook, or a tagboard, because. i dont want people to fluff me, if you were the sort to have something useful to say you would dare to say it to my face. buy me off the net, take me to a rock concert. how fundamentally appropriate we are, linking arms and smiling at the camera, like that. hello. i used to think about you a lot more than i would care to admit, did you ever think of that? probably not, judging by all that silliness in your eyes. does anybody have the kings of convenience cd, want a paperback of skycaptain and the world of tomorrow? two more shows i really want to watch, this day has been wholly and slowly unproductive. hello fury, he says 18 is freaking old. should i be more bothered, about being two years shy of freaking old? would i be appaling if i were to say, it should be harder (than you make it out to be) to make a decision about something you understand nothing about, not completely right to make a judgement, being unable to imagine how it feels like to not be able to think straight? not on all days would you want to be, just another wafer prom-queen. im sorry. are we going to stop talking now, too? i keep thinking about my daddy's self-obsession, my daddy's isolating existence. my daddy, the almanac telling my daddy that i was going to be a loner. i wonder if you were always like that, did my marmie marry that part of you too? and. though i look it less, and feel it less anymore, i guess im still a loner. solitude is my whole life, because i cant remember the last time i had a good conversation. i want the skycaptain poster, up on my wall. tienyew sent me a song called i need some sleep, and it goes: you just gotta let it go, you just gotta let it go. something sweet for my very sweet tooth, a new cd might make me happier. want to dive into your ocean. you remind me so nicely . Wednesday, October 06, 2004 ( 9:19:00 PM ) elle's did i say i was sorry? because that's what i meant, after it all. im sorry, solely for how i have been, everything else comes loaded and bearing skeletons. that's all. you remind me so nicely . ( 8:14:00 PM ) elle's of neurosis i dont know why i go into lapses of being so very much out of whack, i wish i could make it all go away. i am at once, both sorry for being so utterly neurotic, (both sorry and unsorry, because how i do help it, really, if you knew what it felt like?) and then again sorry for having you (or not you) affect me, in some moments i let myself think, why couldnt i have just let you be the petty one? i know you dont deserve this and i dont want to be the one to come around and suffocate you. and. i have to say sorry to every single person who has ever been nice to me, because i have been so. utterly twisted. it has nothing to do with your intention, or how rejected you are, by me. you misunderstand, i am perfectly crazy, it doesnt excuse me or the ungratefulness hello three weeks, floating overhead, cynthia counted them down for me and i have officially begun my panicking. to study physics, to Not Care? to watch motorcycle diaries with CHRISTL! on saturday? to go vj, to go rj? he gives me a sour look, he says he would kill to have my problems, i would like to say to you, maybe just that one, but you're a stranger and you dont deserve (in both ways) my life-story. and six points sounds too perfect, im apologetic because i know i dont deserve it either. i know what depression feels like, and it is. not the same as Doubting Your Own Sanity. i, know the schools of thought for this, i know how grossly this is Catchaphrase Misused, but i am breathing you in the most lucid way possible. i dont want to think about my mind, or form my own opinions, because i feel so acutely the weight of every other viewpoint in the world, i am nothing if not confused. can i say, my mind is reeling, every other second i spend is feeling something conflicting? love-hate-need-independence-cherish-abhor-disgust-stifled. every thing you throw at me i could twist into something morbid, or pessimistic, or beautiful, or unreal, depending on my mood. you misunderstand, i am perfectly lucid and it is that exactly which. scares me to death. thank you, tienyew, because i never thought you would be so nice as to call me, and that's why i keep harping going thank-you-thank-you-thank-you about it. sometimes i just need someone to treat me like i am sane, and the whole world just clicks back into place. i go curl up with my textbook now. you remind me so nicely . Sunday, October 03, 2004 ( 9:59:00 PM ) elle's if i had ever thought i would miss my solitude, this is not how i thought it would have been. im sick of you. something pervasive, something that makes me feel at once stifled and degraded and self-conscious. this kind of sentiment i can do without. if i were here to, make you feel better about yourself. find a girl who can take it, give me. something else. i dream of myself leaping off a building like catwoman, into yet another oblivious night. i want... a freedom nothing can give, a security that will. never run away. you have nothing to do with this, i have spent days with you feeling. obscure, irreverant, irrelevant. im sorry because im so frequently upset and the people who care about me cant help me. ma said to me today, you dont hear voices, do you, you must tell me if you do. i want to meet you. because, because i didnt know they diagnosed you Schizo. i want to meet you because you have been violent, you have been abandoned. nothing is right about this picture. i want to scream in a way my voice will not carry, i want to scratch off this skin and run run away from it, im so tired of this relentless cycle, this once again why-dont-you shiver yourself dry. i am tired of people, and being transparent just so that i can be used. i dont care for privacy, remember? i would be a loner on this continent or the next, feel free to root through my darkest secrets if this price is right. i dont need help i dont need. i need. a good night's of rest, uninterrupted hours alone. i wont take your, on-off-company, your second-fiddle sincerity. how can i complain, how can i complain when im the one who reaches for it? i am so sorry for being ever so neurotic. you remind me so nicely . |
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